Fancy Boy

If you only see one concert this year, make sure you see Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.

Okay, say you’ve already seen one concert this year and it was not Bruce Springsteen. Say you are Puerto Rican and you saw something that relates more to your culture. Say you don’t even know who Bruce Springsteen is. What then? Well, I think you have two choices and no they are not causal and don’t involve a noose and an erection. Instead, I think you should, one, buy a dog and, two, name it Bruce Springsteen. That’s it. Nothing super dramatic like killing yourself or getting off at the thought of your own strangulation, nope just a puppy and naming it Bruce Springsteen. To be honest, it’s pretty dumb, but I like the thought of all these Puerto Ricans yelling "Bruce Springsteen" and puppies running to them.

When I saw a few weeks ago that Bruce Springsteen would be taking his traveling freak show of aging rock musicians to Foxboro, Massachusetts, I knew I had to go. I mentally prepared myself for the pain of paying Ticketmaster $233,849 in convenience charges for the privilege of buying tickets to one of the many concerts for which they are the exclusive ticket distributor, and clicked on “buy”.

The day of the concert I borrowed my friend Farooq’s car. Farooq’s car is a piece of crap. It is a Nissan Pathfinder from (I believe) the late eighties which has no shocks. Driving over a manhole cover or a small crack in the road feels about the same as getting punched in the face.

I will punch Fancy Boy in the face the next time I see him just to prove this point. After he is hit I expect him to lie on the ground making steering motions with his arms while saying things like, “Boy, Farooq’s car sucks.”

The drive would normally take about a half an hour, but this car tends to shake at speeds above 65 MPH, so it took a little longer. There is another reason it took a little longer and this is the fact that everyone else in Boston also decided to go see the Bruce Springsteen concert that night.

Except for all the Puerto Ricans who decided earlier in the year that they would see some other concert. It is okay. They now all have puppies named Bruce Springsteen.

The last five or six miles of the drive took over an hour, because Gillette Stadium is strategically placed in the middle of nowhere, so that thousands upon thousands of people must drive a combined hundreds of thousands of miles and then all park in the same place. I was surprised to see that oil futures were not trading higher on Monday due to the excess demand created by the mass exodus out of the city to the Bruce Springsteen concert. When we finally parked we walked about a mile to the stadium, pausing to hide from the lightning storm that immediately descended upon us. In the end, the drive there took over two hours and, after leaving at 6:00 PM, we arrived to our seats at about 8:30. This was actually pretty good timing, as the Boss and his elderly friends started playing at about 8:45.

They band was very good live, as I had been told they would be.

The concert ended after midnight. I really don’t understand what it is that allows the 58-year-old Bruce Springsteen to dance and shout and slide around on his knees for over three hours.

I talked to my grandfather today. He is seventy-five and still cuts trees in the forest for firewood. He says he has no problem moving around once he gets going. He says it’s when he stops that he feels it. By ‘it’ I guess I mean that it takes him a half-hour to stand up if he sits down in a chair. The same goes for Uncle Bob. He cuts wood with my Grampy. He moves around just as well when he’s in the forests, but once he stops he has to use a cane to get around. I am not joking. This is not some kind of bloated truth meant to be funny. My uncle Bob will probably have to get his hip replaced next year. He will probably still cut wood. I believe it is probably similar for Bruce Springsteen. Probably once the concert’s over he immediately sits in a wheelchair and is wheeled to his bed inside a tourjet or whatever they use on tour.

Maybe he is on steroids.

I have no problem with Bruce Springsteen using steroids.

All I know is I am 25 and in pretty good shape and even I was tired by this point, and I was sitting down for about half of those three hours. It took over a half an hour to find our way out of the enormous space station/imperial death star/Gillette Stadium and back to the parking lot. Once there, we sat in a line of cars waiting to leave the parking lot until after 2:00 AM. Not everyone was lining up to leave. Some concert-goers instead sat outside of their cars, drinking and listening to Bruce Springsteen. I thought it would not be a terrible idea to just relax like these people and wait for traffic to un-jam, but I realized that I didn’t really want to be on the road at the same time given how long they had been drinking. By the time we got to leave, traffic was not as bad as it was on the way in and the drive back to Boston was relatively quick and painless (and by painless I mean marred by constant bone-jarring collisions with minor bumps and cracks in the road). I was back home only 10 hours after leaving for the concert.

Driving to an event at Gillette Stadium is a pain in the ass. If you gave me free tickets to the 2008 AFC championship game at Gillette Stadium, I would not go (or at least I would not drive).

Oh, that’s good to know. I was going to give you 2008 AFC championship game tickets at Gillette Stadium (if they make it…haha if?) for your birthday. Instead, I think I will take a piece of cake, drop it on a piece of paper, eat the cake, lick the piece of paper until most of the crumbs and frosting are gone, and then give you the piece of paper with the words, “donkey ghost shit” written on it with an arrow pointing to the stain the cake left.

EDY: welcome to the review of the foot fist way (the following is a conversationg between everyday yeah, his roommate, and Mr. Thieves Jargon)

Thieves: Do you think this review will make enemies for you the same way the review for that nosebleed book will?

EDY:only if chuck the truck has a blog

Thieves: Maybe Julio has a blog.

Thieves: If "rinky-dink" was your word of the day for yesterday, what would be your word of the day for today?

EDY: ezsleepmatresses.com

fancy boy: ez sound proofing

EDY: ezsoundproof.com

fancy boy: If you only see one movie in 2008, make it The Foot Fist Way

Thieves: What was the main character's name again? Frank something?

EDY: if you only see one movie see batman

mr. simmons

fancy boy : Yea Fred Simmons according to google

Thieves: What do you think Fred Simmons' parents were like?

fancy boy: A lot like him

EDY: mom has a mustache

dad pisses on mother's wedding ring

Thieves: Did he have any siblings you reckon?

fancy boy: Older brothers that picked on him for sure

Maybe even sisters that beat him up

Thieves: Older brothers make sense, because they would have got him into Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee movies.

EDY: all i know is that i don't think i've ever had anything like that happen to me

Thieves: Anything like what?

EDY: that movie

even if i owned a dojo and wasn't an only child

fancy boy: Why do you think his whore wife was carrying Xeroxes of her ass and boobs in a manila folder?

Thieves: Meeeeemories.

fancy boy: SPOILER ALERT

Thieves: Or maybe her pesky office workers were playing a practical joke on her.

EDY: i don't think i know of any other places

maybe in the refrigerator

Thieves: The tell-off at the end might have been the best tell-off I've seen since Clark Griswold drank all the eggnog in Christmas vacation.

I'd like to see a transcript of it, because half of it was missed because of all the laughter in the audience.

fancy boy: truth

EDY: interesting fact about danny mcbride, the man who played mr simmons. he was in superbad. he was a standin at the party at 5th and paysview

Thieves: And the director was his creepy blonde friend, right?

fancy boy: How the hell am I supposed to remember who he was in that movie?

EDY: well not in superbad, but yeah in the foot fist way

fancy boy: ok

In the preview there is a song by Andrew W.K.

why do you think it wasn't in the movie?

EDY: previews in 2008 are better than the actual movies in most cases

if i was a big name director i wouldn't make full lengths anymore

Thieves: I think Andrew WK's brother played Chuck the Truck, I detect a strong familial resemblance.

Where's the market for short-lengths, aside from midget porn?

EDY: i'd just make previews of movies that didn't exist

grindhouse had the right idea

fancy boy: you could review movies that don't exist

EDY: you could call them iphone movies

Thieves: My research has led me to believe that TKD is actually the shittiest of all martial arts except for capoeira.

In terms of street fighting effectiveness.

fancy boy: truth

EDY: you know how in the movie when the guy hits the old woman in the face and then kicks her in the gut?

fancy boy: all the guys at my Jiu Jitsu place made fun of it

SPOILER ALERT

Thieves: He kicked her in the gut? I thought it was a well-placed boot to the face.

EDY: this lady, we'll call her kobe, seemed pretty knowledgable in TKD and probably would still get raped 9 times out of 10 if the ally was somewhere in the NBA finals on ABC in HD

how is that a spoiler alert

they show it in the preview

lets do all kinds of spoiler alerts

Thieves: Did this movie take place in Texas or New Hampshire?

SPOILER ALERT

EDY: do not go see this movie if you are a fan of strong marriages that endure all kinds of bumps in the road anywhere from handjobs to your boss to having sex with a truck man

i don't know what i said there

fancy boy: I don't know where the movie took place but it looked like a really shitty place SPOILER ALERT

EDY: i think i'm still emotionally distraught from losing by eleven points in basketball a half hour ago

fancy boy: SPOILER ALERT

you weren't really trying hard though

I guess neither was I

EDY: i'm not very good when the court is wet

fancy boy: that's weakness

Thieves: Do you think wet workout mats would stop Frank Simmons from putting on a bitchin' demo?

fancy boy: Fred Simmons would punch Mark Baumer in the face and tell him to do better

EDY: yeah, i mean he couldn't even break a simple board when julio kind of held the wood a little wobbly

fancy boy: we all know that was Julio's fault

Q: wouldn't that movie have been perfect for the song "Me and Julio down by the school yard" by Paul Simon?

A: yes but the royalties would have cost more than the entire movie's budget

EDY: sorry

fancy boy: Henry before the party or after?

before, Julio wipes the floor with his face

Thieves: SPOILER ALERT

EDY: what's stewing over there mr. digangi?

Thieves: I'm stewing in questions.

For instance, what if the blonde weirdo from Sexual Warrior, also a 5th degree black belt, fought Chuck the Truck, what would that have been like?

fancy boy: I think that would have ended in kissing

EDY: i would like to see a movie of just chuck the truck

fancy boy: http://www.chuckthetruck.com/

Thieves: Link 11 is called "Cab Assy"

fancy boy: and her "work papers"

Thieves: In my book publicity class the other day, the professor said that reviews should not be summaries, but instead, evaluative, essays if you will.

SPOILER ALERT

Which means this movie should be evaluated amongst its peers.

Karate Kid, Kung Fu Hustle, and Napoleon Dynamite.

fancy boy: Star Wars

EDY: I like star wars more

fancy boy: SATC (Sex and the City)

Thieves: What is SATC?

EDY: i actually think it goes kung fu hustle. then napoleon dynamite

and then karate kid

fancy boy: Mark you have seen both movies. In your opinion, who is the bigger whore, the wife in The Foot Fist Way or every single chick in Sex And The City

EDY: i'm just basing it on the previews for thse movies

ive never seen a preview for karate kid

fancy boy: and as a corollary to this line of questioning, how many HJ's occur in the SATC movie?

EDY: i mean its tough because both are not hiding that they are whores

its a class thing

Thieves: Whores come in all classes.

fancy boy: but do they give HJ's in all classes?

Thieves: Do you think those were the actresses actual breasts in the manilla folder?

fancy boy: that's a puzzler

EDY:: no HJs, but i do know that on the TV show once one of the chicks wouldn't sleep with a guy but gave him a HJ

that's a good prank

Thieves: I thought HJ's sort of stopped sometime shortly after college. More an age thing opposed to a class thing.

EDY: that guy must have been the worst

Thieves: But I've never dated a high class girl, so I can't say for sure.

fancy boy: My guess is that they actually give HJ's longer than lower class girls

they prudes anyways

Thieves: How many people in the theater last night got HJ's in the middle of the movie?

EDY: yes those were her actual boobs

no doubt i my mind

those sketch comics before the show surely gave each other HJ afterwards

Thieves: That was my bext line of thought.

fancy boy: It would have been better if they did that in front of us

instead of the sketch comedy

Thieves: The sketch-comedy troupe (SPOILER ALERT) seemed to be a big HJ crew.

Bunch of HJ artsts.

fancy boy: you know what really made the evening though was the music playing in the theatre before the HJ/Sketch comedy group

really good stuff

EDY: if i was doing publicity for the fist foot way i would just hand out photocopies of boobs

nothing written on pages

just boobs photocopied, that's it

Please help promote Foot Fist Way by printing out these photocopied breasts and passing them out in the street.

Thieves: When you post the review of this movie, that should be your feature picture.

Not the actual movie poster.

fancy boy: but where do you get those boobs?

the girls upstairs?

Thieves: Do you have some filthy neighbors?

EDY: target="_blank">

that is them at work

Thieves: I'm reluctant to watch that video at work.

fancy boy: that's the right decision

Thieves: I don't have a privacy screen.

But speaking of work, I should probably go do some.

We should wrap up this review with a ranking system.

EDY: i give this movie a toe

Okay, so this video is kind of lame. It's pretty corny. Oh well. One take and we threw it on the internet. The Strangers is seriously a very scary movie.  And also, don't let this picture tell you anything.  To me this picture kind of looks comical.  It wasn't in anyway.  Still i can't help but laugh at this picture.  Why is the guy wearing a giant baseball cover on his head?

If you only go to one dentist this year, make it Dr. Peyman Beigi of Chestnut Hill Dental Associates. I did, and I can honestly say that I have never felt my mouth more safe in the hands of any other man. I walked into his office on Monday the 28^th of January, 2008 with a prayer, $184 and 32 teeth in need of a little tender loving care. I walked out without those dollars, but with a full set of x-rays, a mouthful of sparkling clean teeth and maybe even a little love connection with his charming assistant who cleaned them. As I left the office, located in suite 300 of the office building at 2001 Beacon Street, I could not help but turn around, salute and whisper “god bless America”.

Dr. Beigi is not an American. He is something else. I am not really sure what, but he speaks French and Persian, so he might be French and Persian. But most importantly he speaks English, the language that he used to tell me that my teeth were in very good condition and urge me to use fluoride toothpaste and rinse (NOTE: Dr. Beigi’s views on fluoride toothpaste and fluoride rinse are not necessarily the views of EveryDayYeah or the author). English is probably the language he uses to teach Karate in his spare time, although he no doubt accepts French and Persian students as long as they are not terrorists.

sensei Beigi next to the late shihan Enoeda, circa 1982

Does your dentist teach Karate? Is your dentist fluent in 3 languages? Do your semiannual checkups come with happy endings? These are important questions that you must ask yourself next time you get that little reminder in the mail that it is time to come in to get weird tools shoved into your mouth. As for me, I already know the answers to those questions, and I know which Dentist I will choose 6 months from now. Hopefully, you will make the right choice as well.

dentistrical review by 

Fancy Boy

January 30^th was a long time coming. When my roommate came home last fall to tell me that the new construction down the street was going to be a Chipotle restaurant, I thought he was trying to play World Knowledge Quest.

I simply could not believe that I would be that lucky. I have been eating at Chipotle habitually for the last 6-7 years of my life, and never have I lived this close to one of their establishments. But now I live 50 yards away from the most delicious Burritos ever created by the human race, and I intend to take full advantage of the situation.

Today, I was able to take advantage for the first time, and then the 2^nd and the 3^rd times. At the end of the day, I had stood in line for over an hour total in order to receive three free burritos. I would do it again. In fact I will do it again, as I will probably be eating there for dinner tomorrow night, and every other night until the plumbing at 12A Sutherland Road stands up and says “I’ve had enough” (for the record, this has already happened tonight and luckily I was not the culprit so I did not get stuck with the job of mopping up digested burrito off of the bathroom floor).

If you eat only one burrito this year*, make sure you get that burrito from Chipotle. In fact, if you eat only one burrito in your life, it should be a Chipotle burrito, and afterwards you should probably kill yourself because you will never experience a more delicious taste in your entire life. And while you’re killing yourself, the best way would probably be to order 5 more burritos of each variety, Vegetarian, Chicken, Barbacoa, Steak and Carnitas, and eat them in succession until your stomach explodes. That is certainly how I would like to go. But not yet; no, not yet. I have a lot of burritos left to eat in this life.

*If you go to one free burrito day this year make sure it is Chipotle. Q'doba had a free burrito day last year and participants said they could barely suffer through two burritos and would never return to eat at the establishment again.

review by Fancy Boy

Minneapolis, MN (AP) – In a surprise* move, the Minnesota Twins dealt leftie Johan Santana to apartment 12A Sutherland Road in Brighton, MA, in exchange for a little known prospect. The Twins dealt Santana on Monday for Mark Baumer, a former designated hitter for the Wheaton College Lyons (Division III). Baumer played four seasons for the Lyons, highlighted by a 2005 in which he hit .318 with 8 doubles and 9 home runs for an OPS of .952. His production fell off sharply in his senior year of 2006. “Obviously, looking at our run production last year, we needed to do something drastic,” said new Twins general Manager Bill Smith, who has also acquired the elderly Craig Monroe since being named GM after Terry Ryan’s retirement. “The combination of Baumer and Monroe should give us some right-handed power in the middle of the lineup, and some protection for our young lefties.” Those “young lefties” are catcher Joe Mauer and first baseman Justin Morneau, each of whom have already spoken out criticizing the deal. Smith has already had to defend himself after many players and fans pointed out that Monroe hit .219 last season, was designated for assignement in August as a 30-year old, and is severely overpaid. He will now have his work cut out for himself trying to justify the decision to deal a two-time Cy Young Award winner who is arguably the best left-handed pitcher in the world for an out of shape former division III athlete who has never taken a minor league at-bat. On the other hand, Fancy Boy of 12A Sutherland Rd who brokered the deal with Smith is ecstatic. “Johan is going to be a big help in our pickup football games at the park,” he remarked Monday. “He should also fit in nicely with our intramural softball team.” In addition to joining the 12A Sutherland Road boys in their casual athletic ambitions, Santana will take over Baumer’s morning shift at the front desk of Commonwealth Sports Club, maintain the website everydayyeah.com, and date Gabi Goodman of Somerville, MA. The move should also benefit Baumer, who had been unable to produce at 12A Sutherland Road. He should fit nicely into a lineup that received -6 home runs from the DH position last year. If he can match the home run power of Jason Tyner, he will be an upgrade for the Twins, who will save $13 million by dealing Santana. The only remaining question mark is how Fix plans to pay “el Presidente”. When asked, he only responded that “we have a few more deals in the works,” implying that 12A Sutherland Road would move some salary this off-season to make room for Santana’s heavy paycheck. This has fueled speculation that Samson Alva, Fix's other roommate, could be the next to be moved, though Fix declined to comment more specifically. * other surprises: one two three four five

Brighton, MA (AP) – After asking everyone in the room if they wanted to play cards and being roundly refused, two fat chicks decided to play a one-on-one game of “asshole” in the early hours of the morning at a party on Sutherland Road.

“Do you guys want to play asshole?” asked the fatter of the two, directing the question across the room, first at Chris Klinkow, then Mark Baumer, then Fancy Boy and finally Klinkow’s friend Nick. All four took no time in declining the offer.

Both Fancy Boy and Baumer weren't even sure "Asshole" was a real game. Klinkow believed it was but couldn't remember what the rules were.“She’s too fat,” said Nick. “Maybe if I was a lot more drunk I might have played, but really, what is the point? I might as well just stay at home if that’s how I’m going to spend my Saturday night.”

The two girls had looked painfully bored for most of the night. As soon as a Buckcherry song started playing on the host’s iPod, the girls decided to try to do something about that. The game was back and forth, lasting about ten minutes, spanning a Dispatch song, and ending during “Dance, Dance” by Fall Out Boy, at which point the police showed up to ask if the host would turn down the music. “Those are my three favorite songs,” declared the girl in black, who was not quite as fat as her opponent. “I was really in the zone.”

The fatter girl, however, was not in the zone, from her ill-timed attempt at inviting male participation into her game, to the extremely low cut red shirt that she wore to show off her absolutely enormous rack. “She kept leaning over to play her cards, and you couldn’t help but stare down her shirt,” remarked Fancy Boy, “It was like staring into a horse's ass. That sort of cleavage could swallow a man whole.”

Despite wearing such a flattering shirt, the girl in red was completely unable to achieve any positive male attention. “As big as they were, you couldn’t help but notice the rest of her,” said Baumer. “It was obvious by her body language, and the expression on her face, that she didn’t like to look at herself any more than we did.”

“It wasn’t a pretty sight” said another male party attendee. “How am I supposed to think she’s attractive when she obviously knows she isn’t, and shows it. When I saw her, I knew it was time to go home, jerk off and call it a night.”

BRIGHTON, Ma. (AP) – Mark Baumer converted 2 out of 3 attempted lies for a .667 average before scampering from the room and declaring the conversation over, sealing his 2-0 victory against Fancy Boy on opening night of World Knowledge Quest play. The victory did not come easy, as Fancy Boy at first scoffed at the idea that Fuji’s main export was soybeans. Baumer claimed that his recently purchased package of tofu confirmed this “fact”, without bothering to explain whether he was referring to Mount Fuji or the city Fuji, located in Shizuoka, Japan. He took a further risk by suggesting that Fuji’s second leading export was reptiles for dissection in high school biology class. In a bizarre sequence of events, Fancy Boy did not choose to question the validity of these statements beyond his initial skepticism, and even went so far as to make jokes with Baumer about these exports. Fancy Boy also neglected to attempt a single lie during the game. “I didn’t know we were playing”, said a disgruntled Fancy Boy during the post-game press conference. “I was only even peripherally aware of the game’s existence. After Mark’s victory celebration, I couldn’t figure out what was going on. He had to explain to me what game we were playing, and that he had won.” Despite his opponent’s ignorance of the game being played, Baumer lived dangerously, choosing to stretch the Fuji lie and then claim that “scratching your beard gives you cancer”. To his credit, Fancy Boy deflected this attempted lie, but still did not suspect Baumer’s motives. “That’s the tough thing about playing against him” said Fancy Boy. “He says that sort of crap all the time anyways”. Realizing he may be on thin ice, Baumer sprinted from the room, slapping the door jam on the way out and declaring himself the winner. At first he maintained that he had converted 3 lies, before conceding that Fancy Boy probably did not believe the one about scratching his beard. There are also some questions about whether Fancy Boy believed what Baumer had to say about Fuji’s reptile exports. But since Fancy Boy did not even attempt to retaliate with a falsehood of his own, the outcome was not affected by the scoring of the play. The two are also involved in an ongoing game of John Calvin’s Ball, which Fancy Boy currently leads 1,234,567 to -800,514. He took a commanding lead during the game of World Knowledge Quest, when Mark ate a meal that multiplied his point total by -1.