sports

EDY:What is the
Ironman exactly and what does it mean to you?
ZACH EUSTIS (IRONMAN III): The IRONMAN was originally conceived to be a day set
aside from the rigors of our adult lives, where we could play sports all day
like we were kids again, and has turned into the single most physically and
emotionally grueling 24 hours out of a normal calendar year. The IRONMAN
means having sand in your underwear for 11 hours because you dove too hard
during beach volleyball. The IRONMAN means being so winded after basketball
that you can't comprehend competing in another event, let only five. The
IRONMAN means playing that extra game of caged dodgeball just for the hell of
it, even after all the points have been handed out. The IRONMAN means
finishing your tennis match no matter how much hail or lighting surrounds the
court. The IRONMAN means running so hard during football that your feet
are bruised for a month. The IRONMAN means finishing the goddamn slide
portion of the obstacle course no matter how tries it takes. The IRONMAN
means making more than two out of ten free throws in the tie-breaker at the end
of the day. The IRONMAN means eating a burrito and arguing for two hours
over what the mystery event should be. The IRONMAN means wanting to win
roofball so badly that the other competitors start to question if you're taking
it too far. The IRONMAN is giving it your all, win or lose, and still
piling into the Swiftboat at the end of the day with seven of the best people
on earth, and screaming 80's rock songs at the top of your lungs, no matter how
dirty, stinky or bloody you may be.
The IRONMAN is waking up the next morning, unable to move, and beginning the
countdown until the next one.

Beautiful, I have
tears in my eyes...talk about something amongst yourself, maybe about the last
time you cried or the last time you saw your father cry.

The last time I cried... well that's tough. I didn't
take my defeat in roofball particularly well last year, but I don't remember
shedding actual tears over it. It was probably when I looked at the
calendar a few weeks ago and realized we are less than six months (now five?!)
[ed. Note: now one?] away from IRONMAN VI. Also, I got really mad at work
today, but according to my supervisor, since I'm a guy I'm going to sequester
myself away from everyone else and just be angry for awhile. That almost
made me cry.

Talk a little about
IRONMAN II, specifically how you ended up in a tiebreaker and what the end
results were?

Going into the final event, Roofball, of IRONMAN II (at the
time the IRONMAN was a four person extravaganza) Adam had 11 points to my
10. Adam defeated Alex in a tightly contested semifinal while I defeated
an injured Aaron, and then I beat Adam in the Roofball finals, giving me three
points for the event and Adam two, thus tying our overall scores at 13
apiece. It was decided that the tie-breaker should be something we were
on somewhat equal footing at, so we chose free-throws. Our regular
Merriam Park court was taken so we went to the Groveland court, which had some
of the strongest rims I've ever seen. Adam and I waged a war of futility
that saw him make three out of ten free throws to my two, thus granting him the
deciding point and the glory that is the IRONMAN. I reacted poorly,
attempting to run off with the trophy, which was unfortunately all caught on
tape. If you ask Adam maybe he could send you some clips that you could
post along with the interviews.

Talk about your
reaction to being named captain of your IRONMAN team that first year and the
enjoyment you've had the past five years of wielding that title for your team?

The two sweetest words in the English language:
Default. Naturally I was thrilled. The peak of my captainship was
winning IRONMAN III. There are a lot of other fond memories too, such as
pairing with Mark's team and sweeping volleyball to open IRONMAN IV. The
lows have been there too, such as the conclusion to IRONMAN II, the yearly
embarrassment that is the obstacle course, and the time I couldn't finish my
burrito.

How was your love
life after becoming Ironman III?

It was pretty
hard to pay attention to women while having the IRONMAN trophy. There was
one girl who did win me over, but it fizzled. She wasn't over her
ex-boyfriend and I spent more time with the trophy than she was comfortable
with.

What's the deal with
ex-boyfriends? Seriously, there's such a negative stigma associated with
them. I usually kill all my ex girlfriends so I don't have to worry about
anyone calling me the ex-boyfriend...hmmmm
I guess I should probably keep this about IRONMAN...would you agree with the sentiment
that everyone who competes in the IRONMAN is a misogynist?

While I won't
go on record calling everyone who competes in the IRONMAN a misogynist, I will
say that there is a far greater likelihood of the color barrier being broken
before the gender barrier. To quote the IRONMAN I champ: "It's not
called the ironWOMAN."

So we've covered
tears, women, free-throws, sleeping arrangements with and without the trophy,
and obstacle course slides.
Let's talk a little about your time in China and how they contributed to your
IRONMAN abilities. Maybe even speak about the black and blue mark on your
chest when you returned from China.

I've gotta
say, competing in the IRONMAN three days after flying back from China is not a
recipe for success. I did a LOT of walking in China, and as a walkathon
has not yet been added to the IRONMAN events, it didn't benefit me very
much. I did get some basketball practice in, as basketball is bigger than
bigfoot over there, but that's about it. As per the black and blue mark,
it was a going away present that managed to last almost as long as that
relationship did.

Please recap your
weekend...

Glorious. There was t-shirt selling, sandwich eating,
Superbad watching, pink sock buying, Settling, basketball, wiffleball, the
balance game on the T, video-taped sleeping, man-snuggling, Trader Joe's, and
last but CERTAINLY not least, Three Guys and a Bench.

IRONMAN CHAMPIONS I,III,IV

Hustling

Three Guys on a Bench (on a bus)

Three Guys on a Bench (in a car)

An interview with Ironman I champion Nick Punto

EDY First off, what is the Ironman exactly and what does it mean to you?

Nick Punto The IRONMAN is the single most important day of the year. On the day of the IRONMAN, I wake up (if I have even been able to sleep the night before) and leave the house thinking only about the challenges that lie ahead, the exhilarating heights and dizzying lows that we all will experience in our quest for ultimate glory. When the events are over and the victor has been crowned, all the contestants can eat and drink and be merry until the time has come to part ways and lay our heads down to rest. Any problems or stress in my life can be forgotten for a day. This is important because I have a lot of important things to worry about on a daily basis.
The IRONMAN is an all-day, 7 event marathon of various sports, both conventional and unconventional. Contestants are awarded points based on their respective finishes in all of the events, and a winner is crowned at the end of the day. Generally, all contestants (4 or 8) ride around in a van listening to Ozzy's IRONMAN and other songs befitting IRONMEN. For 12 hours we sweat and bleed and laugh and cry together. All IRONMEN are brothers for eternity.

EDY Do you think you were a little naive when you won your first and only Ironman, maybe even taking it for granted that it would always be there?

AF Absolutely not. I knew how lucky I was to win that one. It always takes a little bit of luck, I don't think anyone can win an IRONMAN championship without getting some help along the way in some of the team events. I am, however, a little bitter that I didn't get a trophy until the morning of IRONMAN II. I drank out of the trophy at lunch, but had to hand it over to Adam at the end of the day. But I absolutely enjoyed that first win, and savored it for 364 days afterwards. I did not take a single thing for granted.

EDY How was your love life while your reign as champion?

AF Let's see, I won during the summer after my sophomore year of college. Before winning IRONMAN I I had one date with a Colombian girl who worked at the camp I worked at, but I definitely did not seal the deal, and in retrospect, perhaps I could have. Especially if she knew about my champion status. I wish I still was in touch with her because I would like to visit Colombia.

I guess my reign as champion was my Junior year at Wheaton College. I have to say that I did not have anything approaching a love life that year (not that I usually do). In fact, I'm pretty sure that year was the only time in my life that I have actually been rejected. I never realized that before, but maybe there is some curse of the IRONMAN. It will be interesting to hear what the experiences of the other guys were. Come to think of it, I spent part of the following year (after losing the trophy) in a pretty great relationship. And last summer, the only time I have ever been in a relationship while competing in the IRONMAN, I finished quite poorly in what is usually my finest event (the obstacle course) when the championship was on the line.

Well, if romantic success is what I have to sacrifice in order to be champion, then so be it. I would gladly be single for life if I could be IRONMAN for life.

EDY Answer that question I asked you on the way to the supermarket. I forgot what it was.

[note: for those who do not know, Ironman I Nick Punto lives in the everyday yeah house.]

AF I think it was about my favorite event?

EDY oh, okay. Answer that one.

AF My favorite event is the obstacle course because not only do I feel it absolutely captures the spirit of the IRONMAN competition, but I usually finish near the top (last year of course was a complete disaster). The obstacle course requires a combination of speed, agility, strength, endurance, strategy and willingness to humiliate oneself publicly. It is also the only event that rewards 1 minute of effort with up to 3 points. It is absolutely a wild card, because the course is not designed before the beginning of the day. It also tends to be the most hilarious. Obviously the obstacle course is not a "real" sport like basketball or football, but to be honest I really like the movement away from "real" sports, towards events like obstacle course, big base, egg hour, Settlers of Catan, live animal catch, and floor exercise.

EDY Talk a little about this floor exercise or any of the other games people might not have heard about.
Also, can you talk about your decision to name yourself as team captain for the aaron squad?

[note: a lot of time passed]

EDY answer the damn question... 

AF The floor exercise is exactly what you have seen in the Olympics. Basically, it would just be prancing around and doing gymnastics maybe with some streamers in hand. The only problem is finding an impartial judge, which is why it would be difficult to include figure skating in the winter IRONMAN if that ever happens. As for any other games that others might not have heard about, I recommend checking the "games" section of everydayyeah.com. Some of the potential IRONMAN events are in there. In fact, it would be a good idea to do IRONMAN using only those events found on the website.
Regarding my position as captain, I think I was the natural choice for the Aaron squad considering that I am the only contestant named Aaron. I don't feel the need to defend myself. Who is the captain of the Mark squad? I'll tell you who's NOT captain of the Mark squad. ZACK!

EDY So, is there any last words? How about you ramble on for a 1000 words about all that is Ironman and have it done by the time I get back from clogging the toilet?

AF IRONMAN is, I think, an important institution in all of our lives. We all hope to be doing this in 10, 20 or even 30 years. In fact, my dream is for our children to carry on the tradition long after we are unable to exert ourselves physically. Of course, when I talk about passing the tradition down to our children I am really just talking about strong, athletic, verile sons. Perhaps our daughters can have an IRONWOMAN competition that involves sewing and cooking and whatnot, I could care less about that. I am thinking about our beautiful sons, muscles bulging and dripping with sweat as they hoist that trophy in the air that has been hoisted by so many casual athletes before them. And now that you mention clogging the toilet, I have been thinking that maybe that could be added to the list of events, perhaps a tiebreaker to see who can do the most damage with their lunchtime burrito?

Brendan Dougherty, the young Greek, woke up early. He couldn’t sleep. Though his faith had rewarded him so many times in the past, he still worried that not all would be right.

Summer heat had already begun to sneak upon this magnificent mid-May morning. A neighbor screamed that they hated alliteration, but Brendan just dismissed the cries as gibberish. Somewhere an author sighed. Brendan kicked off his sheets. He wanted to go back to sleep, but knew if he did he’d only lie awake thinking about every moment in which someone had accused him of being too small or not strong enough or just plain worthless. His life was full of detractors quick to point out his limitations and during life’s idle moments he couldn’t help but go over every single one of these, one by one, day by day.

In middle school, Dougherty had been a promising talent. He was two inches taller than any of his other classmates in seventh grade, but like many middle school athletes who dwindle into mediocrity he suffered one of the greatest tragedies an aspiring athlete can experience during their teenage years: he stopped growing.

At the courts a few of the regulars were already there. One of them, a big Italian named Barrow, hit his first five shots of the day. After he made each one he demanded that he be given another chance, shouting for the ball until it was in his hands. Each successful basket also was coupled with a loud scream from the lanky Dago. “Jasonbarrow.com,” he yelled.

The season was still young, and the winter gnomes had been remittent only a few weeks (Forthright school children will tell you they saw these tiny wintry men taking cover in the northern caves of Manitoba), but Barrow was confident with his invincibility in 2007.

“I've decided that I'm not going to lose a basketball game all season,” said Barrow after his first match and he hadn’t yet. His confidence grew with each successive victory. After victory number three he could be heard on the internet telling his friends, “I’m the nicest player around right now.”

Brendan rolled up to the courts a few minutes before ten and the games began. It was two-on-two action for a good hour. The hour ended up being pretty uneventful. Barrow won all three games and began rounding up everyone for a victory meal in his name.

“Yo Barrow,” said Brendan from the shadows of a eucalyptus tree. He was getting his water bottle. He had left it in the shade, and he now used the moment and situation to call from the shadows in a way that was meant to challenge Barrow’s manhood, but came off more like normal conversation.

“What?”

“I can take you.”

There was laughter from the other players.

Brendan ignored the laughter and thought of an interview with Gilbert Arenas he had read.

“So in this commercial,” says Arenas, “I'm gonna throw my shoes into the stands after I've just hit a game winner, and I throw these shoes. Everyone starts to react, and you see everything in slow motion. Everyone's pushing, shoving, doing whatever it takes to try to get to these shoes. People from the 400 level, they're jumping off the ledge, they're missing the pile, hitting nothing but chairs, and you can just see in people's faces like, Ooooh, that hurt. While all this stuff's going on, one of the shoes pops out of the crowd, and a little girl gets it and she takes off. A couple of people see she has it, and they start chasing her, and she's looking back running—and then she gets clotheslined by a kid in a wheelchair. So he picks the shoe up and says—he's gonna have the only line in the commercial—‘They said I couldn't get it. Heh. Impossible is nothing.’ And then he rolls off.”

With this inspiration on his mind it shouldn’t have been a surprise when Brendan got out to a 3-0 lead on Barrow in a game of one-on-one-first-player-to-five-points-with-a-victory-only-recognized-if-a-player-wins-by-two-points-but-if-a-player-isn’t-up-by-two-then-the-game-continues-until-such-a-condition-is-reached.

Barrow was beside himself. “This is more bullshit than blogs devoted to sharing music using rapidshare. I can’t go down. I’m the king of the internet. Thrones don’t fall to peasants. It would be like if the largest torrent music sharing site with a pig mascot got taken out by some deputy at the Columbus, Ohio PD.”

Somewhere a winter gnome laughed and each player got chilled.

And either because Brendan grew a little skittish from opponent’s words or because he had run himself ragged getting those three points, Barrow powered his way back and the lead was erased. After the two exchanged points the score was locked at four and at the very least someone was going to need to get one more point than was originally expected.

“This was extremely aggravating, as I was already dead tired and out of breath,” Brendan would say later, “But I knew he was just as tired and hungry. I can’t be sure, but I believe I heard a whimper from him after he missed his next shot.”

I believe what Brendan heard was Barrow’s wiener dog. Regardless, the rebound came to Brendan and he brought it back to the check line, turned, and fired. It somehow went in. Perfection was slipping from Barrow’s hands; the ultimate underdog story and possibly a heartwarming Disney film were within grasp for Brendan. One point, but he could barely stand. Barrow was in a similar state, his hands on his knees, as he waited for Brendan. Brendan dribbled in place thinking over his options. He had used up everything he had getting the three-point lead at the start: fake left go right, fake right go left, and fake left, fake right, go left. He was all out of fakes.

Then he got a smile on his face. What he did next some would call a fit of insanity. He lobbed the ball a little above Barrow’s head. Barrow caught off guard couldn’t get his hands up in time and the ball grazed off them and bounced behind him. Brendan ran in and grabbed the ball uncontested for an easy layup. As the ball fell through the net, he collapsed, and screaming, “MY GREATEST DAY.”

[Note: It was later determined that Brendan is not Greek.]

Minneapolis, MN (AP) – In a surprise* move, the Minnesota Twins dealt leftie Johan Santana to apartment 12A Sutherland Road in Brighton, MA, in exchange for a little known prospect. The Twins dealt Santana on Monday for Mark Baumer, a former designated hitter for the Wheaton College Lyons (Division III). Baumer played four seasons for the Lyons, highlighted by a 2005 in which he hit .318 with 8 doubles and 9 home runs for an OPS of .952. His production fell off sharply in his senior year of 2006. “Obviously, looking at our run production last year, we needed to do something drastic,” said new Twins general Manager Bill Smith, who has also acquired the elderly Craig Monroe since being named GM after Terry Ryan’s retirement. “The combination of Baumer and Monroe should give us some right-handed power in the middle of the lineup, and some protection for our young lefties.” Those “young lefties” are catcher Joe Mauer and first baseman Justin Morneau, each of whom have already spoken out criticizing the deal. Smith has already had to defend himself after many players and fans pointed out that Monroe hit .219 last season, was designated for assignement in August as a 30-year old, and is severely overpaid. He will now have his work cut out for himself trying to justify the decision to deal a two-time Cy Young Award winner who is arguably the best left-handed pitcher in the world for an out of shape former division III athlete who has never taken a minor league at-bat. On the other hand, Fancy Boy of 12A Sutherland Rd who brokered the deal with Smith is ecstatic. “Johan is going to be a big help in our pickup football games at the park,” he remarked Monday. “He should also fit in nicely with our intramural softball team.” In addition to joining the 12A Sutherland Road boys in their casual athletic ambitions, Santana will take over Baumer’s morning shift at the front desk of Commonwealth Sports Club, maintain the website everydayyeah.com, and date Gabi Goodman of Somerville, MA. The move should also benefit Baumer, who had been unable to produce at 12A Sutherland Road. He should fit nicely into a lineup that received -6 home runs from the DH position last year. If he can match the home run power of Jason Tyner, he will be an upgrade for the Twins, who will save $13 million by dealing Santana. The only remaining question mark is how Fix plans to pay “el Presidente”. When asked, he only responded that “we have a few more deals in the works,” implying that 12A Sutherland Road would move some salary this off-season to make room for Santana’s heavy paycheck. This has fueled speculation that Samson Alva, Fix's other roommate, could be the next to be moved, though Fix declined to comment more specifically. * other surprises: one two three four five

Brighton, MA (AP) – After asking everyone in the room if they wanted to play cards and being roundly refused, two fat chicks decided to play a one-on-one game of “asshole” in the early hours of the morning at a party on Sutherland Road.

“Do you guys want to play asshole?” asked the fatter of the two, directing the question across the room, first at Chris Klinkow, then Mark Baumer, then Fancy Boy and finally Klinkow’s friend Nick. All four took no time in declining the offer.

Both Fancy Boy and Baumer weren't even sure "Asshole" was a real game. Klinkow believed it was but couldn't remember what the rules were.“She’s too fat,” said Nick. “Maybe if I was a lot more drunk I might have played, but really, what is the point? I might as well just stay at home if that’s how I’m going to spend my Saturday night.”

The two girls had looked painfully bored for most of the night. As soon as a Buckcherry song started playing on the host’s iPod, the girls decided to try to do something about that. The game was back and forth, lasting about ten minutes, spanning a Dispatch song, and ending during “Dance, Dance” by Fall Out Boy, at which point the police showed up to ask if the host would turn down the music. “Those are my three favorite songs,” declared the girl in black, who was not quite as fat as her opponent. “I was really in the zone.”

The fatter girl, however, was not in the zone, from her ill-timed attempt at inviting male participation into her game, to the extremely low cut red shirt that she wore to show off her absolutely enormous rack. “She kept leaning over to play her cards, and you couldn’t help but stare down her shirt,” remarked Fancy Boy, “It was like staring into a horse's ass. That sort of cleavage could swallow a man whole.”

Despite wearing such a flattering shirt, the girl in red was completely unable to achieve any positive male attention. “As big as they were, you couldn’t help but notice the rest of her,” said Baumer. “It was obvious by her body language, and the expression on her face, that she didn’t like to look at herself any more than we did.”

“It wasn’t a pretty sight” said another male party attendee. “How am I supposed to think she’s attractive when she obviously knows she isn’t, and shows it. When I saw her, I knew it was time to go home, jerk off and call it a night.”

BRIGHTON, Ma. (AP) – Mark Baumer converted 2 out of 3 attempted lies for a .667 average before scampering from the room and declaring the conversation over, sealing his 2-0 victory against Fancy Boy on opening night of World Knowledge Quest play. The victory did not come easy, as Fancy Boy at first scoffed at the idea that Fuji’s main export was soybeans. Baumer claimed that his recently purchased package of tofu confirmed this “fact”, without bothering to explain whether he was referring to Mount Fuji or the city Fuji, located in Shizuoka, Japan. He took a further risk by suggesting that Fuji’s second leading export was reptiles for dissection in high school biology class. In a bizarre sequence of events, Fancy Boy did not choose to question the validity of these statements beyond his initial skepticism, and even went so far as to make jokes with Baumer about these exports. Fancy Boy also neglected to attempt a single lie during the game. “I didn’t know we were playing”, said a disgruntled Fancy Boy during the post-game press conference. “I was only even peripherally aware of the game’s existence. After Mark’s victory celebration, I couldn’t figure out what was going on. He had to explain to me what game we were playing, and that he had won.” Despite his opponent’s ignorance of the game being played, Baumer lived dangerously, choosing to stretch the Fuji lie and then claim that “scratching your beard gives you cancer”. To his credit, Fancy Boy deflected this attempted lie, but still did not suspect Baumer’s motives. “That’s the tough thing about playing against him” said Fancy Boy. “He says that sort of crap all the time anyways”. Realizing he may be on thin ice, Baumer sprinted from the room, slapping the door jam on the way out and declaring himself the winner. At first he maintained that he had converted 3 lies, before conceding that Fancy Boy probably did not believe the one about scratching his beard. There are also some questions about whether Fancy Boy believed what Baumer had to say about Fuji’s reptile exports. But since Fancy Boy did not even attempt to retaliate with a falsehood of his own, the outcome was not affected by the scoring of the play. The two are also involved in an ongoing game of John Calvin’s Ball, which Fancy Boy currently leads 1,234,567 to -800,514. He took a commanding lead during the game of World Knowledge Quest, when Mark ate a meal that multiplied his point total by -1.