mark fidrych's autobiography

My name is Mark Baumer. I am not Mark Fidrych. He is dead. I am not dead. People named Mark shouldn't die. I want to become a senator and pass legislation making it illegal for doctors to let people named Mark die.

When I was little I think I met Mark Fidrych. I think he was naked. I called my Dad to ask him if Mark Fidrych was naked when I met him. My father didn't answer his phone. His voicemail answered the phone, but it did not say, "When my son was ten he met a naked Mark Fidrych." Instead, my father's voicemail said, "Leave a message." I left a message. I said, "Was Mark Fidrych completely naked or was he wearing a towel?" I waited three minutes for an answer, but the voicemail didn't respond.

I think my girlfriend's sister would be mad if I became a senator because she wants to be a doctor and would not want to go to jail because someone named Mark died of a heart attack under her care. If Mark Fidrych had it to do over again he probably would have told the ten-year-old Mark Baumer not to be a senator.

If I met the naked Mark Fidrych again I would say, "Thanks for letting my dad beat you. It meant a lot to him." The naked Mark Fidrych would tell me my father's team lost. I would be confused. My dad just called back and said, "Bernie Carbo hit a homerun off us in the eighth inning." I didn't ask what the final score was. I didn't ask about the naked Mark Fidrych either. I was too embarrassed. Instead, I said, "You struck out Carlton Fisk, right?" My father said, "No, it was Ozzie Virgil." I waited until he hung up to look up Ozzie Virgil on the internet. I am doubtful I will ever know if I saw a naked Mark Fidrych or if I saw Mark Fidrych in a towel. I only know my father's beer league team lost to Mark Fidrych and a bunch of retired Red Sox players who were barnstorming around New England. I also remember a table of food in the locker room after the game. I had gone into get autographs. Mark Fidrych was eating a piece of cheese. He didn't wait for me to ask. He ate the cheese and signed my baseball.