Dear Bernie #6
Dear Bernie,
I got accepted to a university. You probably don't know what that means. I'm not going to tell you. Ignorance is a good life. I envy you. Last night I had a dream where I was already at the university and all these writers were talking about themselves and asking each other if they had written the review that was due. James Franco kind of showed up and said, "Spiderman killed my dad," and all the other writers thought he was a genius and then James Franco said, 'I'm not writing that review, but if I do then I do." And I think he did. I was the only one who didn't write anything, but it was okay because the classes were at the beach and weren’t that great. Then the beach drifted out to sea and I woke up. James Franco was not in my bed. Do you remember that time James Franco came to your birthday party? I bet you're shaking your head ‘yes.’ You’re kind of an idiot. You don't even know who James Franco is. You probably think he’s the cookies you knocked off the table and ate a few years ago at the family Christmas. To be honest, we’ve never had a birthday party for you which is why you’ve never met James Franco. You’re probably shaking your head ‘no,’ and thinking, ‘I had a birthday yesterday.’ I love your retarded brain. A birthday is not something you eat out of a bowl every morning when you wake up. I think you are confusing birthdays with breakfast. I feel kind of bad that we’ve never thrown you a birthday party. Let’s blame Dad for that one. I think Mom tried to throw you a birthday party once, but Dad said, “We don’t even know when Bernie was born,” and that was that. Our family has been pretty awful to you. You might want to think about suing dad. I’ll help you pick out a lawyer if you give me half your settlement. Actually, you probably shouldn’t sue Dad. Dad knows how to use the internet. I am not sure if Mom knows. If I still lived at home then maybe we could sue Dad. I know how to use the internet. There should be at least one person in the house who knows how to use the internet. When you had your stroke Dad used the internet to make you better. If it had been up to Mom she probably would have brought you to a taxidermist and had you stuffed. You’d be in the living room on wheels right now if it wasn’t for Dad. Don’t sue Dad.
-Mark
Bernie's Birthday Party
Bernie takes offense that you say he hasn't had a birthday party. He says that he had one last year. In people year's he was celebrating his 74th year. So it took an awful long time for him to have a party! He also says that you were invited but you choose not to attend. He doesn't know why you didn't come but you didn't. He was very disappointed that you didn't come and bring him a present. He still has not received your present and this year he is celebrating his 83rd birthday. He doesn't know why he added 9 years onto his life in one year but he has. His doctor's office has a machine that you punch in how old you are and it will tell you what you are in people years. Bernie thinks people are strange! Bernie said to tell you he will be by the mailbox waiting for his birthday present to arrive.