Dear Bernie #1

01/30/08

Dear Bernie,

I heard you’ve been sick. I’m sorry. I hope you get better. You shouldn’t have eaten all that cat poop when you were younger or that cake this summer at the barbeque when no one was looking. Still, it’s no fun being sick. I imagine you didn’t know quite was happening when you kept falling over and the left side of your face was paralyzed and food fell out of your mouth when you tried to eat it because you couldn’t feel half your mouth. I’m glad you’re doing better. Dad said he takes you outside and does exercises with you every morning which is good, but I hope he doesn’t just sit there giving you orders. Nothing against the old man, but I’m sure he could use the exercise as well. He did say you’re not falling down as much and that you can climb up stairs again. If you weren’t ill I’d laugh at the thought of you falling down the stairs, sitting at the bottom, all confused, asking yourself, “That wasn’t right, was it?” I’m sorry. I just chuckled a little bit. You reminded me of this movie I watched recently where this guy got a spell put on him and his ears and fingers starting falling off and people started calling him ‘dropsy’. At least you got your ears right, even if you are half deaf. But honestly, you really shouldn’t be embarrassed about having to be carried up and down the stairs. You have it pretty good. Many American Presidents haven’t had it as good as you. Did you know ten American presidents have had strokes? Woodrow Wilson’s wife didn’t even take care of him when he had his. Instead, she said, “Feminism bitches,” and tried running the country herself. And don’t worry about dying. Most of the ones who died were unhealthy. One of them, Chester Arthur, was fat and had kidney problems and of course Franklin Delano Roosevelt smoked, didn’t really have legs, and had to deal with Truman breathing down his neck pressuring him to drop some bombs on Japan. You should be fortunate that you don’t smoke, have functional kidneys, aren’t fat, have four legs, and don’t know what ‘Japan’ is. I don’t think you would like Japan. I’m pretty sure they like kitties more than doggies. I don’t know though. Maybe you would like it. In the back of my head I don’t picture them having stairs and instead have escalators, but I’m probably wrong. Anyway, I hope you’re doing well. I’m going to make it a point to try and write you a couple times each week. Take it easy dropsy.

-Mark