Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
Water for Elephants
by Sara Gruen
by Sara Gruen
reviewed by Gary Guiterrez
Let it be known, before I begin this review, that I have never once even implied that Sara Gruen was incapable of writing in the English language. While many have accused me of laying that charge at Ms. Gruen’s feet, no reader (no matter how diligent) would be able to find a passage from my work that represented such an opinion. However, I must still preface this review of Ms. Gruen’s newest work, Water for Elephants
, with a warning:
Sara is incapable of writing in the English language.
There. That’s right, I said it. Not only does her butchering of the Queen’s language leave one feeling that her native tongue is Finnish, but no essential element of writing, such as narrative, plot or characterization, is present. Maybe I would say that her primary language is Catalonian. Or Ukrainian. Fuck. I’d even be so generous to say German. But not English.
The worst part about this is, I was one of her bigger defenders before Water for Elephants. While her prose needed some tightening, I legitimately believed there were flashes of greatness in her earlier work. Seriously, look at the fourth paragraph in my review of Telelocomototron: “Sara Gruen’s writing represents some of the finest of any author under thirty years old working today. Great things are expected from Ms. Gruen.” See? So anybody who wants to say that I disliked her work in the past can go fuck themselves.
Ok…here’s the deal: I was really really really looking forward to this book. I mean, I thought Telelocomototron was all right, but The Drunken Fanatic is probably my favorite fucking book! I read that piece of shit cover to cover three times in a week. It was so beautiful. It flowed so freely. It was so lyrical in its presentation of Irish Republican Army member Adrian O’Toole, I cried every time I read Chapter 8. Anyone who wants to point out the flaws in that book, I assure you that you won’t find any.
But this is shit. This new book about some dumb kid who runs away to live in the Mumbai Zoo is terrible. Terrible! Who the fuck wants to read about some little punk who’s lazy and wants to live like the Buddha? In fact, I’d go so far as to say that Water for Elephants is the literary equivalent of Plan 9 From Outer Space. Like Ed Wood, Sara Gruen clearly doesn't give a shit about perfection or even editing, since the book appears to have been written in one night. I would be absolutely shocked if Algonquin Books, Gruen’s publisher, has not initiated massive layoffs in response to this book. No respectable printer could get away with putting this drivel on the shelves of bookstores throughout the country.
Fuck this. My publisher requires that my reviews are between 1000 and 1200 words. But I’m getting so angry thinking about what a fucking let-down Sara Gruen is, I can’t bear to think about Water for fucking Elephants. If I’ve clocked in at anything over 500, I’ll be surprised. Fuck you, Jerry. Read this shit yourself if you want it done.
, with a warning:Sara is incapable of writing in the English language.
There. That’s right, I said it. Not only does her butchering of the Queen’s language leave one feeling that her native tongue is Finnish, but no essential element of writing, such as narrative, plot or characterization, is present. Maybe I would say that her primary language is Catalonian. Or Ukrainian. Fuck. I’d even be so generous to say German. But not English.
The worst part about this is, I was one of her bigger defenders before Water for Elephants. While her prose needed some tightening, I legitimately believed there were flashes of greatness in her earlier work. Seriously, look at the fourth paragraph in my review of Telelocomototron: “Sara Gruen’s writing represents some of the finest of any author under thirty years old working today. Great things are expected from Ms. Gruen.” See? So anybody who wants to say that I disliked her work in the past can go fuck themselves.
Ok…here’s the deal: I was really really really looking forward to this book. I mean, I thought Telelocomototron was all right, but The Drunken Fanatic is probably my favorite fucking book! I read that piece of shit cover to cover three times in a week. It was so beautiful. It flowed so freely. It was so lyrical in its presentation of Irish Republican Army member Adrian O’Toole, I cried every time I read Chapter 8. Anyone who wants to point out the flaws in that book, I assure you that you won’t find any.
But this is shit. This new book about some dumb kid who runs away to live in the Mumbai Zoo is terrible. Terrible! Who the fuck wants to read about some little punk who’s lazy and wants to live like the Buddha? In fact, I’d go so far as to say that Water for Elephants is the literary equivalent of Plan 9 From Outer Space. Like Ed Wood, Sara Gruen clearly doesn't give a shit about perfection or even editing, since the book appears to have been written in one night. I would be absolutely shocked if Algonquin Books, Gruen’s publisher, has not initiated massive layoffs in response to this book. No respectable printer could get away with putting this drivel on the shelves of bookstores throughout the country.
Fuck this. My publisher requires that my reviews are between 1000 and 1200 words. But I’m getting so angry thinking about what a fucking let-down Sara Gruen is, I can’t bear to think about Water for fucking Elephants. If I’ve clocked in at anything over 500, I’ll be surprised. Fuck you, Jerry. Read this shit yourself if you want it done.
Gary Guiterrez is a freelance literary critic for the Boise Star-Journal.
Water for Elephants
What makes you such an expert in reviewing Water for Elephants? Your crude language turns me as well as others off. I would never ever read any of your book reviews again. I know they will be littered with the f word. You cannot express yourself without using the f word. Your gutter language turns me and others off. A gentleman you are not.
I agree with that fucking bitch, Lucy...
Why the fuck do you have to fucking swear so much you cock-sucker? Do you fucking think swearing makes your bullshit review any more palatable you fucking piece of shit. Gary, you're one fucked up motherfucker. It's clear from your fucking cunt-ass-shit-dick-penis-poopy-shit-cock-titty review that you didn't even read her fucking book. What is this bullshit? Some kind of fucking joke or something? I don't understand your sense of humor you sick piece of fuck-ass. How is it possibly funny to not read someone's book and then review it anyway making up your own story? That's just fucking lame you dick-balls-diaper-face pee-pee poo-poo head. FUCK!
Zach
Before your vitriol exceeds
Before your vitriol exceeds the bandwidth of everydayyeah.com, allow me to first make public what has been my secret shame for years.
The above review (and many others; I won't say which!) were not, in fact, written by me. Rather, a recently self-aware supercomputer named CRYPTO-VAC was tasked (by me [because I was hung over]) to review Sara Gruen's latest offering to the world of literature. The computer will be duly chastised.
In addition to a penchant for vulgarity, CRYPTO-VAC also enjoys reviewing things which it has little to no knowledge of. This may also account for whatever other aspects of the above review that are in bad taste and are uninformed.
Having confessed to all this, I apologize for nothing. I mean, seriously: if you had a computer who could do your work for you, wouldn't you take advantage of it? I do not regret having a computer which delights in the use of gutter language write my reviews for me. I only regret that you were sharp enough to catch me in the act.
Softball Horror : A mini-Review
Ok this has nothing to do with the book review, but I don't see a place to comment on the linked baseball clip so I am putting it here. If you don't have such a category already, you can file this in your non-original-linked-content-review section.
"Softball Horror"
I thought the editing was a little sloppy in this film, obviously this was made before digital editing was de'riguer, and the dialogue doesn't show any of the spark seen in Tarantino's later works. The violence was fairly well done, though I was confused how rounded bludgeoning weapons like bats could produce the small puncture wounds found on the victims. I suspect that there was a side plot involving lesbian vampires which for some reason ended up on the editing room floor - perhaps it was due to the puritanical ratings boards during the Reagan-infused 80's who would have objected to having underage actors engaged in lesbian vampirism, even if only onscreen. The ending, suprisingly, was a lol-heartwarming tour-de-force of suprise camp, spoiled only by breaking down the 4th wall and having the actors address the audience directly.
All in all, although this film had it's redeeming qualities there aren't really enough of them to let me recommend this to the general moviegoing masses. I am glad Tarantino didn't release this to the public until AFTER he had made his reputation in the film industry or he might never have gotten a chance to direct a full-length hollywood film.