Review: This Will Go Down on Your Permanent Record by Susannah Felts

Once there was a girl and her name was cute Suzy. She liked this kid named Todd. Not the Todd that lived down the street from me when I was six and got hit in the head with a horseshoe. No, this Todd is a pickle daddy. I actually don’t know him. I just know that cute Suzy and Todd (the one without a horseshoe in his face) had this idea about getting pregnant and running around all over Alabama with fat bellies. Todd didn’t get pregnant though or if he did he just put it in a pickle jar in the back of the refrigerator where no one would look until it’s time to move and by then everyone would be in such a rush that they wouldn’t realize they’re throwing away Todd’s baby.

Cute Suzy kept the pregnant belly and it has been an forever giving monster. First, it gave the neighbors a new lawn gnome, then it gave the mailman a lemonade to drink on the Alabama hot day, and after that it gave the world This Will Go Down on Your Permanent Record. The actual child hasn’t come out or maybe it is and it is just hiding in the back of the refrigerator. A thousand mothers are damning me at this point, but do not worry the appliance man showed up a week before and took off the fridge door and laid the rig on its back and made the motor into an electric rocker. Cute Suzy returned the crib she bought to IKEA and used the extra money to pay off her taxes.

Oh yeah, This Will Go Down on Your Permanent Record is a book. You should read it. I give it a hundred stars which is good in terms of review standards, but in relation to the universe isn’t a whole lot, not to knock the book at all. I’m just pointing that out to you.