Review: Step Brothers

I met a guy who said he wanted to rape Will Ferrell.
Or maybe he didn't. Maybe it was John C Reilly. I’ve never met John C Reilly. Maybe the guy who wants to rape Will Ferrell
was really making an analogy and didn't take in to account people like me who
are unable to understand analogies. I can only understand three things.
Analogy isn't one of these things. Neither is logic, Ferris wheels,
or polyurethane. This is stupid. Will Ferrell didn't have a father
and he wanted to learn how to ice skate, but he only had a mother so she taught
him to figure skate and then all little hockey boys at school called him a fag
and then raped him which is very hypocritical, but they didn't understand hypocrisy
and thought of themselves as being very cool and also they had no teeth.
They liked to tell people they didn’t have teeth because hockey pucks
knocked them out, but it was really because their fathers only let them drink
soda. Will Ferrell's father didn't make him drink anything because he was
dead, but if he had it would have probably been soda because he would have
wanted his son to grow up to be a great hockey player. As it stood Will
Ferrell's mother made him drink milk and tea. He had a full set of teeth.
This may be a reason, on top of being a figure skating sissy, that all
the hockey players raped him. Also, I should note that I do not know what
relation a toothless grin has to not being able to understand hypocrisy or what
drinking soda has to do with playing hockey. I do not quite want to go to
the point of saying that I do not know what I am talking about, but there is a
pretty good chance I don't.
So where does John C Reilly fit in? He was motherless. His father
made him play drums. His mother killed herself at a little cart shop in the
mall. She had been browsing the pillow pets cart and then she pulled out
a gun and fired in a wayward direction. Somehow her head was blown off.
Don't ask me how this was done. I was neither there nor have I ever
attempted such a thing. This was also the day she gave birth to John C
Reilly. Maybe she killed herself in the hospital with a pistol because
she knew it was the only way that John C Reilly would survive. I really
don't want to be ridiculous. I am trying very hard not to be. This
review is really ridiculous. It is more
of a review of another movie Will Ferrell was in called Blades of Glory. I think a
lot of these things happened in that movie as well. I don’t know. I own Blades of Glory. I do not own Step Brothers. It is
unownable at the moment. In two weeks
that might change.

Will Ferrell walked into a house. He said, “I motherfucking own this house.” John C Reilly was hiding in either the
dishwasher, made by Maytag, or in the toaster. He might have been standing in the middle of the living room.

John C Reilly said, “You know Will, I’m tired.”

“Tired of what?”

“This.”

“What do you mean, ‘this’?”

“Like the whole, ‘me and you doing things very unserious’
thing.”

“I know, but I don’t know. Please tell me more.”

“I’m a serious person.”

“You are.”

“I am.”

“You were in a movie with Kevin Fucking Costner.”

“I’m serious.”

“I know. I only spoke
facts in that last sentence.”

“True. I was just
worried once you got swearing you’d stop being serious.”

“Our lives are ridiculous.”

“I know. I don’t have
a mother.”

“She shot herself with a wayward bullet.”

“That makes me sad.”

“Being serious makes me sad.”