Recently, Thieves Jargon editor, Matt DiGangi and I got to check out the new Narnia shit. The next day we had the following conversation about the movie:

Thieves: Do you do fantasy baseball?

EDY: no

you?

Thieves: I do, and I'm considering if I shoudl trade
KRod and Torii Hunter for Juan Pierre and Roy Halladay, but I'm also thinking I
should try to swap out Halladay for Johan Santana.

It's tough.

EDY: maybe try and get a better piece than juan
pierre

Thieves: I need the steals though.

EDY: oh shit

forgot about that

Thieves: The rest of his spare parts are unappealing.

EDY: yeah, i'd do that trade i think

i'm down on krod this year

Thieves: But there would be a big loss of Saves, and
my other closers are Percival (old, and could die at any minute) and Jenks
(good closer, shitty team, few save opportunities.).

KRod is playing for a contract.

Speaking of baseball, do you want to knock this review out
of the park?

EDY: i just think hes overrated and his fastball only
sits at 91-93 when i've seen it. his k/bb rate seems down too

yeah, lets get on this review

Thieves: Four words for you: The Neverending Story.

EDY: so the movie starts out with a birth. At first I
thought they might be doing a Knocked Up reversal and we'd get a
"crowning" in the opening scene

ha, never saw that Neverending Story

similar?

Thieves: A classic.

It's weird and sad and has topless statues that gave me my
first adult moments as a 2nd grader.

EDY: i remember i was going to watch it on taped VHS
at my cousin's house when i was like 11, but the tapes got mixed up and i got
christmas vacation or something

Thieves: I was just talking about Christmas Vacation
at lunch, this lady who bought me soup thought I was a plebian because that's
my favorite Christmas movie.

But did you see how many Italian guys they had in
Caspian?

It's like they're creating a new genre of movie:
The Spaghetti Fantasy.

EDY: haha

Thieves: Which maybe ties in to what you were saying
about feeling the Narnia series is kind of phoning it in.

EDY: the only person i could remember was this archer
who had goat legs and who looked like spicoli. in the scene where they're
attacking the narnia castle everytime they showed the older girl on the ledge
with the archers he was in the back ground giving the most confused looks

yeah, when a lion can just summon Posedion it doesn't
seem fair

Thieves: That was good how they digitally removed all
the minotaur dicks.

So in the great christian web of things, the
Lion is God?

Who is the little brother?

EDY: Elvis? I really don't know much of the bible or
scripture. I once read the first ten pages of the old testament, but that's
about it

do you have a guess?

Thieves: Maybe Onan.

But I need to see more of the whole trilogy
before I can make conclusions.

EDY: remember there are 7 movies

Thieves: I was talking about the trilogy of the Old
Testament, the New Testament, and the book of Mormon.

EDY: oh

I think movie five should just be about what the lion
did over the 1200 years he went missing from narnia

Thieves: Does that ever get addressed?

EDY: i don't think so.

it might have been funny to see him pop up in
transformers and use that as the explanation

Thieves: There should be more movie crossovers.

You gotta give it to the kids in this movie,
though.

I enjoyed how quickly they took up killing other humans.

EDY: if only they had turned canabalistic

Thieves: They never showed the minotaurs eating.

EDY: I think they just eat their own babies

Thieves: So their numbers never increase?

I guess they don't eat meat, since al the
animals talk.

EDY: good point, this movie really should get good
reviews from vegetarians

and if trees are alive and can kill then is it too hard to
believe that wheat and fruit is alive too

Thieves: Here's something I found that clears it all
up:

“If Aslan represented the immaterial Deity in
the same way in which Giant Despair [a character in The Pilgrim's Progress]
represents despair, he would be an allegorical figure. In reality, however, he
is an invention giving an imaginary answer to the question, ‘What might Christ
become like if there really were a world like Narnia, and He chose to be
incarnate and die and rise again in that world as He actually has done in ours?’
This is not allegory at all”

EDY: okay, so i guess there's no way he could have
been in transformers

but that doesn't explain what he was doing in I
am Legend

Thieves: It has something to do with how the badger
and the bad troll were living in Yoda's hut and how they got George Lucas to
play Caspian's professor.

What you're starting to see is the world of film
start to decay.

Portals and wormholes and brain bubbles and the like.

EDY: i think our only hope is that actors actually
start to die when their characters die in the movies:

like this: http://www.whysoserious.com/happytrails/trailer.htm

Thieves: I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel
watching that movie.

EDY: I think its a publicity stunt

i bet he shows up at the premiere

Thieves: That's what I thought when the kid from
Blind Melon died, because they saw how many record Nirvana sold after Cobain
died, but I'm not sure if it worked.

After I was done with this movie, what I really wanted was
some Turkish Delight.

EDY: why?

Thieves: Seeing the name CS Lewis always does that to
me.

EDY: i've never thought of him in terms of food. i
just think of him reading his story to tolkein and tolkein being nice by
saying, "Yeah, I like what you're doing here. Yeah, go ahead write the
sixth and seventh. I think that is a wonderful idea."

Thieves: "Yeah, walking trees, that's a good
one, CS..."

Which one decided to go by their initials first,
CS or JRR?

EDY: i also have a feeling they sometimes would be
sitting around talking about the bible and one of them would say, "Ahhh,
enough already, let's go to that pub where all the midgets hangout and get them
high."

Thieves: What age group was this movie appropriate
for? There was an awful lot of killing.

EDY: yeah i thought about that quite a bit

especially when that guy gets beheaded before
the last battle

Thieves: The cute mouse cuts at least three
defenseless guys' throats.

But there's so many cute animals, this couldn't possibly be
marketed for somebody over the age of 13, right?

EDY: I think because all the weaponry is old and the
killing isn't done with guns that it is okay

kids today probably don't even know what bow and
arrows are

they'll just think it was something made up for the movie.
and the only swords kids ever see are plastic so no worries there

Thieves: Haha, "They're just going to
sleep!"

That girl with the drops that bring people back to life, it
really pays to be her friend, huh?

I didn't see her out there on the battlefield
tending to all the wounded, just her pals.

EDY: yeah, she has that whole bottle and didn't even
leave it with her brother when he went to fight the king

that might have been handy

going back to the land before time, who wins in a
fight, the flying lion or the narnia lion

Thieves: I have to get going, reviewing kids movies
is likely not acceptable workplace behavior, so we should wrap this up.

How does EDY do this, is it a thumbs up/thumbs
down system, stars, or something else?

EDY: i think this turned out as well as it could

i'm not sure

i usually don't focus on that and instead give
away the ending of the movie at the end of reviews

NARNIA WINS

Thieves: NOBODY IMPORTANT DIES

THE LION IS GOD

EDY: haha

perfect

we'll end here

Thieves: Sounds good.

Let's do another one soemtime.

EDY: yeah, ill let you know when the next 7pm view
comes up

have a good one matt

Thieves: Smell ya lter!