Ben Myers is a British writer. He wrote a book called The Book of Fuck. Zach Forsberg-Lary didn't read this book, but still gave it a harsh review. Mr. Myers thought this was funny so Zach sat down and traded questions with him across the Atlantic.

Zach Forsberg-Lary: Do you forgive me for my review of your work, "The Book of Fuck"? Why or why not? AND If you could choose one unfortunate fate/event to befall me (as Karmic retribution for my picking on you), what would happen to me?

Ben Myers: Of course. Your review made me laugh. And anyway, I've spent ten years writing about music and books and films for various magazines so I can hardly complain when I get a bad review. The fact that you never actually read the book was slightly frustrating. It was a brave move on your part to decimate the characters, the plot and the style of writing; braver still to call me 'fuck-face'.

Good reviews or bad reviews don't bother me much either way, but one thing I have noticed is that the only people who seem to violently hate anything I write come from America. Last year some sci-fi author wrote that he wanted to get on a plane to England to beat with me a lead pipe. I offered to meet him halfway so that we could fight like men, with our tops off and our fists poised. But the lazy fucker couldn't even be bothered to travel to the middle of the Atlantic ocean for a duel. He must have heard that I'm a strong swimmer.

Still. I guess growing up in American must inspire a lot of violence and hate in some people. Even my American friends have many odd 'issues' concerning violence, sex, money etc. Very aggressive attitudes. Once when I was in the US I had a real urge to break a window, but resisted – so I think there must be some truth in my theory.

As for karmic retribution, I'm not a violent fellow, but it would be funny if a small child punched you in the cock.

ZFL: I'll videotape one of my little cousins punching/kicking my loins and send you a copy. I strongly believe in fulfilling the karmic wills of others.

ZFL: You mentioned a Sci-Fi author who wanted a duel. Do you remember the name of the author? Was it George O'Har?

ZFL: I had a professor at Boston College named George O'Har. One of my favorites. The quote you gave sounded like it could have been him. Next question:
What was your first sexual experience like? How old were you? Where were you? What happened? Was it with your friend's grandma? Because mine wasn't.

ZFL: Mine was at a church youth group retreat on the roof of a building during a meteor shower (age 14).
I just noticed on the news that actor Heath Ledger died of a possible drug overdose in a Manhattan apartment. What's your favorite Heath Ledger film, and why? Mine is "Knight's Tale" because the leading lady was bangin' AND there was that part where all the medieval knights and courtiers broke out in a choreographed dance to a modern pop song.

BM: "Because the leading lady was bangin'". Come on Zach, you're embarrassing yourself. Don't you have wrestling training to go to or something?

ZFL: I agree, but also stand by the claim that Shannyn Sossamon [ed. note: nothing wrong with her, especially in Wristcutters: a love story] is "bangin'." But you're right, that's a lame reason to like a movie. I probably prefer Brokeback Mountain too (not to be confused with Brokeback Mountain 2: The Beckoning).
Do you think the apparent similarities (hopes, dreams, fears, humor, values) between people from different parts of the world are a result of cultural globalization? Do you think that the globalization of cultures is a positive or negative result of communication technology? Globalization of trade?

'I'm going to rape you, then slit your throat' ~ 'Could you please direct me to Leicester Square?'

ZFL: Thanks. That should keep me conversationally busy for a while (not to mention help me find my way around London).

BM: 'Appetite For Destruction' by Guns N' Roses. Any song off that will do. I'd take any note from the third bar of the second line of the chorus to 'Mr Brownstone'. I should point out however that everything else after 'Appetite For Destruction' was dog shit, as is most 'rock 'n' roll'.

ZFL: Oh. Silly me, I got that information from www.benmyers.com which links to your myspace page (myspace.com/bigbenmyers ) and discusses at length your book (The Book of Fuck) and your soon-to-be-published book (The Missing Kidney), as well as linking to your band reviews and poetry... But you're right, I must have done shitty research and found the wrong Ben Myers. Anyway, here's the quote I was referring to... on the FRONT PAGE of this other Ben Myers' website (a guy who just happens to have published books and articles with the exact same titles as your own and shares a myspace page with you). Anyway, that Ben Myers said " I also recently started drinking every day again. Then I gave it up again and haven't had a drop since Easter Monday. I'd like to say this choice of date has historical/religious significance but it is actually because I dramatically vomited and can't be bothered with getting fat from beer again." On benmyers.com. So I'd like to ask again, This time a little more clearly and carefully: "What is/was your favorite expensive beer, and what is/was your favorite cheap beer?"

BM: -No Response-

ZFL: My Guess: Disney's High School Musical 2

ZFL: Would you like a few serious-type questions next?

BM: Preferably yes. I'm starting to feel like I'm dying a little bit.

ZFL: Okay... Well then... Harumph... Ahem... How/when did you start writing? Is writing your only source of income? Do you make more/less/equal money than/to that which you believe you deserve? What are the pros and cons (as you experience them) of being a professional writer?

BM: I started writing at the age of four, using a pen and paper. Writing is all I do. Writing is my only source of income. Income is low, but anyone who writes for money is a fool. In fact, most people are fools anyway. I know I am., But I’d definitely be an even bigger fool if I got a – and I can barely even say this word – a job.

BM: It’s called The Missing Kidney. On the surface it is a book about the time I awoke in hospital to find that one of my kidneys had been removed. But as I wrote the story, it swiftly became an attempt to shoe-horn every single thought of every waking moment during one summer into a book. It’s about celebrating the minutiae of life, about finding heaven in a speck of dirt, hell in a car-horn. So a nice piece of fish I had for my tea shares equally billing with the subject of love; tarmac is considered as deeply as life itself. It is an attempt to find meaning within everything, a map of a self-created universe where signs and symbols take on deeper significance. Ultimately though the most potent symbol of all is that of a missing kidney, which comes to represent an irretrievable past, a childhood you can never return to, a vision of a disappearing Britain.

That wasn’t very succinct was it? It’s out in the UK in 2008 through Social Disease.

ZFL: Succinct enough for me. Thanks.

BM: I’ve just read some Bulgakov. He’s always inspiring. As is Richard Brautigan, who I keep returning to. I’ve read some Michel Houellebecq for the first time; decent, but not as smutty as people had me believe. I’ve read ‘Everyday’ by Lee Rourke. I’ve also just read Pete Doherty’s journals, which I found far more interesting than most have given him credit for. I don’t know how famous he is in the US, but in the UK he’s a tabloid fixture. I like books about bare knuckle gypsy boxers, as I like a bit of a box myself. I’m about to start reading a lovely books about trees. And I like books about poaching pheasants from dusky woodlands, but only ones that were written in 1950s, either by peasants or aristocrats, bit no-one in between. I have a three. I have ‘a collection’. I’m pretty much an expert.

BM: As people I like Billy Childish, Paddy Considine, Adelle Stripe, Serj Tankian and some huge school girl I just saw spitting on a passing bus. It look liked an oyster shot from a bazooka.

BM: Henry Miller seemed a nice chap. He has a lot to answer for. And Ol’ Dirty Bastard. What a life he lived. Richard Brautigan again. I’d like to have a conversation with Jim Jones too. What a horrible person. If he offered me a cup of Kool Aid I’d say “No thanks Jim, I’m OK.” I can’t think of anyone else who is dead. Mozart? Let’s go for Mozart.

BM: Claudius, spelled the Greek way – CLAVDIVS. And also an old English name, Ethelred. There’s not enough Ethelred’s around these days.

ZFL: Your favorite poem by Charles Bukowski? I only ask because we share a common interest (in addition to getting evicted from our respective flats and spending weeks at a time writing novels under the influence of illicit substances).

BM: Oh, I don’t know, I haven’t read much Bukowski recently. I’ll tell you the ones I don’t like though – all these dodgy posthumous collections they keep putting out. There’s a reason some of these works weren’t published in his lifetime – because they were never meant to be. Because they were gash. I think I’m in the minority of people who possibly prefer his prose to his poetry. I’m not sure I write ‘under the influence of drugs’, it’s more like I’ve previously taken drugs under the influence of writing, the most intoxicating thing of all. Anyway, as of this month I’m officially straight edge, which means I can only listen to Minor Threat and Negative Approach from now on.

ZFL: Congratulations on the "straight-edge" change/attempt. And upon re-inspection, I believe that the impression that you wrote "The Book of Fuck" while on drugs came from a random review I found somewhere online. You never said anything to give me that impression.

BM: Nope.

BM: You should listen to Gay For Johnny Depp from NYC because they signal the death of America as we know it. They are the last days of Rome in all its carnal glory told via the medium of electricity.

BM: Handily, I can answer these final questions in one word. And that word is: kedgeree.

Interview by Zach Forsberg-Lary