Freud, Christ, Jerry Falwell, Phyllis Schafly, Liberace:
these important scholars have all contributed to the sanitizing of American
sexual dialogue in the past century. However, such was not always the case.
There was a time in which blue language and descriptions of love affairs were
freely debated and discussed in public correspondence. This was startlingly
true during the Civil War. One example of the openness accorded sexual congress
during this period of time was Mistress Domage.

Mistress Domage was ostensibly a prolific prostitute. She is
referred to in the correspondence of many Union generals that have come down to
us through the tumult of history. In fact, the aura surrounding Mistress Domage
has given rise to a legend that was apparently widespread during the War
Between the States. To wit:

Dearest Ellworth:

I hope you have been taking care of the farm for Mother
like I asked you to when I left for war. You are now the man of the house, so I
trust you will protect Mother and little Elizabeth. The rifle is hanging above
the threshold should any Indians, bears or Egyptians attack.

On a side note, I’ve been seeing this prostitute. The lieutenant
under my command told me that if I “knew” this Mistress Domage in the biblical
sense, my performance on the battlefield would be impeccable. And it was! Son,
if this god-forsaken war continues to the point that you are old enough to
serve, I demand that you have sexual relations with the prostitute I regularly
do the same with.

With Love,

General Armand Bullock

General Bullock was killed a week later at the Battle of
Spork Fiend.

The amount of letters written by officers that contain a
mention of Mistress Domage is staggering. Some pay particular attention to her beauty
(“…an ethereal glow seeps from the glowing orbs I can only assume are her
eyes…”), others focus upon her sweet singing voice (“…like a million
crystalline butterflies praising my enormous member…”) and some simply obsess
about her genitals (“…oh my god her vagina is so awesome!”). What is constant
in these letters is the belief that sleeping with Mistress Domage, she of the
ethereal beauty and awesome vagina will confer some innate talent or blessing
on the battlefield. For example:

Dear Daddy:

I was really scared. How come I’m the youngest soldier I
know? I think I’m nine, but I don’t remember. How come you didn’t have to come
fight? Can I go home now? It’s really scary here!

If it wasn’t for this really nice lady named Misses
Dommaj, I’d be even more scared. But after I took a nap with her, I killed a
lot of people. There was like a battle.

Love,

Timmy

Amazingly, it is only through these letters that we have any
tangible information about Mistress Domage. Undertaking a massive survey of all
the extant information about this mystery woman, Dr. Phelpzer Mkembe of Hoobard
University has constructed a list of facts about her that are either ubiquitous
or rarely contradicted:

-         She
possesses unrivaled beauty.

-         She sings
beautifully.

-         She is
under five feet tall.

-         She weighs
over 300 pounds.

-         She has
webbed feet.

-         Her body
is covered in a fine, silky blue hair.

-         She speaks
only Lebanese.

Dr. Mkembe has concluded, after reviewing vintage news
sources, that Mistress Domage was in fact, Doria El-Hatha, the deformed mutant
daughter of Lebanese diplomat and geneticist Gary Smith. The April 4, 1859 Delaware
Issuance-Daily bears a cover story relating her disappearance and potential
new life with a traveling covered-wagon brothel.

Therefore:

Most Union officers in the Civil War slept with a short,
squat hairy amphibious blue Lebanese mutant. And yet we’re still allowing the
North to take the moral high ground in that war?

Sounds like moral relativism to me.