fake music: volume one: issue one

You
should be, in a word, embarrassed if you have not yet heard of any of
these bands: October Dave and the Silicon Werewolf Masks, The Peaking
Beaks, Shaq Attack, Soup Kitchen, Paternity Case: Mine or Yours?,
Philadelphia Keno Vendor: Wallabee Neck, The Detroit Muck Rake, and
Slim Barry and his Manufactured Beatbox.

These
bands, all of which hail from unique locations from across our United
States of America, have all, in their own inimitable ways, slapped the
popular music industry in the face with a fresh slab of t-bone and have
blazed their own trail down a path of experimentation and unbridled
uncertainty.

Each band is resourceful and many employ unconventional instrumentation in their quests for fusion supremacy.

How
would one categorize this rock revolution, you ask? Take Sigue Sigue
Sputnik's hypothetical seed, split it into a million separate swimmers
and fertilize, in a test tube, the eggs of a thousand and one ancient
queens.

Take
that spawn and expose he or she, from birth, to the musical styling of
the earliest techno drones, the hottest hip hop beats, the best of the
Beach Boys, the worst of the 80's, the top 100 songs of the 90's, the
sound of helicopter blades and the smell of rotting meat.

Do
that and maybe, just maybe you'll achieve the brilliance of these
trendsetters. But I assure you that, regardless of my use of the word
in the previous sentence, these bands are not trend but the future.

So, like Dylan once said of
the arrival of the Mighty Quinn, everybody take a dose, relax, and spin
these records till the needle needs sharpening or till it tears through
the vinyl and ruins the record, in which case you will need to go buy
the record again, thus further supporting these wonderful bands.