Dishrag Moses or the Emperor of Etherea
On the morning of March 11, 1864,
General Lex Hordum was despairing. The Confederacy seemed to have
encircled he and the 17th Mirrored Regiment he commanded, and reinforcements were slow in coming.
The Union, it seemed, was poised to suffer great losses on that
morning. Fortunately for history (though not for Abraham Lincoln’s
skull), the Battle of Giggle’s Creek was a continuation of the Union
dominance that would eventually culminate in the meeting of Lee and
Grant at Appomatax Courthouse. The man who may have been responsible
for this victory: Dishrag Moses.
Born Trammeler Futz in Pittsburgh on
September 12, 1818, Dishrag Moses was the illegitimate son of a wealthy
tricycle manufacturer. Cast out of his father’s house because his
mother was a common whore, Futz found friendship and camaraderie on the
streets among the hobos and bums of the Steel City. As is the tradition
in the hobo community, Dishrag’s first name was taken from what he
happened to be wearing as a hat at the naming ceremony (such a pattern
also followed by Bowler Dust, Neckerchief Malone and Cat Braffles). His
last name came from the Bible (the Hobo Bible, in this case referring
to the Hobo prophet Mustard Moses).
Little is known about Dishrag’s life
before the Civil War. What information has come down to us was
transcribed from the recollections of Porkchop Griffin, who related his
life and community traditions to the New Deal-sponsored Federal
Writer’s Project in 1937. According to Porkchop (aged 174), Dishrag
quickly moved through the Hobo hierarchy due to his sticky fingers and
moist eyelids. However, many believe it was simply his unnaturally
regal bearing which won over the hobos. In any event, Dishrag was
elected (or bit his way) to the title of Emperor of the Hobos. Wearing
a sash (most likely scavenged from the garbage of a theater) bearing
the words “Top Prize Finisher!” at all times and exempt from begging,
Dishrag was carried around his every waking hour by four Hobo footmen. It is
said that his legs withered and atrophied from lack of use, but
according to Porkchop Griffin, “Dishrag! Dishrag, he never lost him the
use of his regal member! Nope! Nope nope nope! Not many lady hobos!
Makes sense! Yes it does! It makes sense! But the whores…they sure
loved him!”
In 1964, unaware that the Civil War
had erupted, Dishrag announced (via a harangue delivered to a
bewildered crowd on a Washington street corner, that he would be
touring his vast empire. He set out south (which, according to Porkchop
“felt natural…like two-pence beans!”) on the backs of his attendants
and was followed by over 200 pilgrims. Using hobo guile and wit to
survive, Dishrag and his coterie arrived at Giggle’s Meadow in North
Carolina on the morning of March 11, 1964. The following is an official
report from General Lex Hordum.
General Grant:
Morning
was damp and cool. No sound from Rebs. Low on food, men instructed to
catch rabbit and preserve rations for next day. Battle a success.
Strange occurrence to report.
Emperor
of Etherea visited camp. Was this planned? Arrived with many men.
Claimed to be from the Ethereal Land and was Emperor. Is this near
Austria? Soldiers crowded around him. Emperor told them to “fear people
that used rope” and “never wash their feet.” Soldiers very inspired. I
also teared up myself. Emperor left shortly before battle. Must
contact!
Recommend: Emperor of Etherea speak nationally to inspire troops.
Where Dishrag traveled next is a mystery. Some
claim that he encountered and was captured by Confederate troops.
Others speculate that he kept marching straight through to South
America, believing it to be his domain. What is painfully clear is that
without his help, we’d all be speaking German right now.
