a brief(?) conversation with Caroline Kepnes

Read her latest thieves jargon story, Sky Miles

EDY: Hello, this
is very exciting. I think this interview will go really well. We
kind of have a history (I once wrote you a very long rejection letter). I
am not the greatest interviewer, but I feel things will go well with you.
Let's begin by talking about this typewriter you won when you were in middle
school. I was watching this movie today about a lonely guy (the movie was
called The Lonely Guy) who is a writer and who is Steve Martin and who
writes on a typewriter. Imagine life in a typewriter world. How strange?
Please answer this question by talking about all things typewriter
related. Maybe one day when you have a book out your cover can have
flying typewriters on it. If you want I can draw a picture of flying
typewriters.

Caroline
Kepnes: Hello M. Baumer! Yes, that really was a great rejection letter. As I
read it I was like: "Yes! Yes! I too reject this story!" So hello again. This will
be fun. And when you don't like what I say you can reject it! So, typewriters.
Sassy gave me a Smith Corona and it was plastic. I was in high school,
sophomore year. Naturally, computers were all the rage. But as we know
computers died off. So it was lucky that I had a typewriter. But seriously, I
was never much into the typewriter. The noise is distracting, you know? But
then again, the downside of computers is that helped create the whole 'write in
a coffee shop' culture. Can you imagine a coffee shop where everyone was
lugging in typewriters and pounding away? And they wouldn't be able to fake
write and surf the internet for porn. Would be funny. I haven't seen The
Lonely Guy and I will add it to the list. My favorite typewriter movie is Misery. And my favorite conversation about typewriters is from St. Elmo's Fire,
where Andrew McCarthy refers to his as a "battered underwood
typewriter" and Ally Sheedy is like, "...on which you will type your
way to becoming one of the most important writers in America." And shortly
thereafter they do it. Or something like that. See, this is what happens when
you interview a girl. Five seconds in and it's St. Elmo's Fire! Anyway I
was never very good with white out and I type really fast. I would be deaf if we
didn't have computers. Oooh, another great typewriter movie is Frailty. Have
you seen that? It's sick. Flying typewriters would be nice on a book cover. I
would hope that they would have wings. Oh wings. The story I got the typewriter
for was called Angels and Angels and it was about a young girl who dies of an
angel dust overdose. Good times!

I've actually
never seen St. Elmo's Fire. I just watched the intro to the movie
and Emilio Estevez I think goes up to Ally Sheedy, who is a doctor and is like,
"Georgetown 1982, remember me, Woody Allen movies?" and she is like,
"No." And Emilio is like, "Oh, I'm going to be a
lawyer." Then Ally Sheedy is like, "I have to go," and runs and picks up a little black child and says, "Everything is going
to be alright." So, I guess you already knew that. I liked Frailty.
I went to see it in the movie theaters with this girl with the plan of staying
and watching movies all day, but she didn't really like scary movies and we
left early. On the way home we rented Beverly Hills Cop. I only
wanted to see it for the theme music. Remember when Axl Foley sticks
bananas in Judge Reinhold's tailpipe. That was pretty good. I don't
really know why someone would want to name a child Judge. Oh well.
I guess I should continue asking you questions. I was going to do that
thing where you relate people to other people by what movies they were in
together with you (from you 7th Heaven writing credit) and Judge Reinhold, but
I'm not very good at that game. I was around step 20 when I gave
up. I like how 7th Heaven usually has less talented sisters on it (Haylie
Duff and Ashlee Simpson), but then they end up becoming more popular than their
sisters. Speaking of sisters I really like your story "Mmmmm,
Steak!" but I guess that story isn't really about sisters. Maybe you
could write a sequel that takes place in some bizarre universe where Corey and
the main character have not one child, but two children who are both female and
they have squirrel heads and will only eat thin mints...okay, that's probably
not much of a story. I think I've rambled long enough. Your turn to
ramble. If nothing in my rambling interests you then just ramble about
your day or rant about some aspect of your life.

I
am sure that at this very moment you are at a grocery store, psychopathic glow
on, digging through the barrels of $5 VHS tapes or a copy of St. Elmo's Fire,
finally ready to cave in and follow the story through. Pay no mind to the blue
hair giving you a confused look, she doesn't have the fire in her. My thing is
that movies used to be fuller with a lot more going on. Now it's like, will
Kate Hudson have a valentine??!! Tune in for 6 hours and see! Those old movies
are the best for fullness, Magnolia is my favorite new movie that feels
old in that way. And Auntie Mame is my favorite genuine old one. Now
there was one busy woman, that Auntie Mame! Moving on,that sounds like a
terrible date you had, a girl not wanting to see Frailty. What a moron!
Although bananas in the tailpipe are a fine replacement. Eddie Murphy at his
peak. It breaks my heart that he does all that kid stuff now. It's almost worse
than the de-evolution of Michael Jackson. I wrote a story about all this kind
of stuff, where this high school teacher cannot handle how the mighty have
fallen. I don't think it's just nostalgia either, our culture is so nasty now,
too focused on downfalls and comebacks. Moreover, Eddie Murphy, now that man
could wear a pair of jeans. Those jeans in that movie were perfect. And yes
that Beverly Hills Cop music is fantastic. For some reason that music is
the soundtrack in my head to this terrible, unfun day camp I went through at
the local community college. A community college in July is no place for a
child. My first date was a double date, of course, and we went to see Nuns
on the Run. Ah, romance. Okay, since I love seamless transitions I will
address Haylie and Ashlee. I actually don't think they're the less talented
sisters, they're the darker ones and I like that, a little more going on in
those heads, a little less naked vacuuming, you know? I will begin writing part
two of the steak story: alternate universe, alternate ending. I think it was
kind of self destructive of me to kill Corey and Jamie. But I like death.
I have a "novel" (HAHAHAH) that ends with a guy plowing a boat into a
family style restaurant and killing everyone. He has a reason, sure, but there
is also a reason this novel is not sitting on a bookshelf in the $5 bin. I
do like morbid stories, my favorite shorty is Joyce Carol Oates' "Where
are You Going, Where Have You Been?". No death, but the build up to
violence...oh my God, oh my God. There's a nice image at the end where she's
opening the screen door, waking into her doom. It's like the target="_blank">Bruce Sprigsteen
song Thunder Road, where Mary opens the screen door and everything changes but
in a good way. It's the dark side of Thunder Road. I love his lyrics. He's a
great short story writer, that Bruce. And screen doors are great. Screen doors
are so suspenseful, the ones that hesitate and shimmy before they shut. And
because they're transparent even when they're closed they're open. Love em.
INSERT SENSIBLE TRANSITION HERE. Do you know the books The Stupids?
Those books are so amazing. The best one was where the electricity goes out and
The Stupids think they have died and gone to heaven. I love that they assume
they are in heaven and not hell, and that they get very excited by being dead.
And they can't get over the way death is just like life. Those books were deep,
man!

I had only
heard of the movie The Stupids. I just browsed the book online
where they die which made me regret not finding out about them sooner. My
childhood was filled with the usual books tossed at adolescents. Luckily,
I found Calvin and Hobbes in 5th grade. That's probably the most
influential reading I've ever done. I can relate with your sentiment
about movies not having enough in them. I liked Magnolia. I like a
lot going on. I wish it was a little more fast paced. My dream
movie, and I don't think it has been made yet, would have the pace of this justice video with tons of different things going on at
once. It wouldn't necessarily have be violent. Some might say drugs
would have to be involved, but I'd prefer they weren't. Seriously, I
don't think I could take my eyes of something like the video even if it was 90
minutes long. I feel much more comfortable showing you that video after
you said you kind of had a thing for violence.

My
favorite thing about this Justice video is all the close-ups. And the
sweatshirts. And the determined walking. And the music that sounds like knives
stabbing. That is too many favorites. I sound like Julie Andrews and I never
ever ever wanna sound like Julie Andrews. But since I already ruined it, yes.
Close-ups and sweatshirts and stabbing and determined walking are a few of my
faaaaaavorite things! The Stupids are great. I wish the movie was too but I
never saw it because I'm scared it's not very good. The Stupids Die is the name
of the book. But I am quite sure you figured that out by now! My favorite blog
is the L.A. Homicide Blog. http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/homicidereport. It's sad because it's just lists of deaths and that's obviously sad, and even
when they get the murderer and make note, it's sad, because obviously the
murderer had something bad happen, etc. Anyhow it's detached, just the facts,
and it's refreshing when everything out there is so opiniony. And I also like StuffWhitePeopleLike.wordpress.com.
I'm not very white because I don't like camping, the idea of soccer, recycling,
new balance shoes, sushi, standing still at concerts, public radio, organic
food or whole foods. Just give me a piece of pizza and some paper plates, ya
know? I'm sorry did you even ask me about organic food and blogs? Oh dear.
Someone's having too much Diet 7-Up today and losing her mind! But back to the
video, no, I don't think your dream movie has been made yet.

You sent this
to me six minutes ago. I hope to have this question finished in 4
minutes, then you will have gotten a reply in ten minutes. Maybe you will
feel overwhelmed and think I've done nothing, but sit and wait for your reply
so I could reply. I don't know. I don't know what I was saying,
"I don't know" to. Did you hear that the "stuffwhitepeoplelike"
blog got a book deal. I did not bother to check if it was true. You
mentioned you had a novel. Is it finished? If you want I will read
it and do a blurb. I've never written a blurb for an unpublished book,
but I would like to try and do something that has never been done before.
I think the plan is to make a chapbook that is nothing but blurbs of your
book. Then I would get young college age kids to blurb about my blurb
book in little zines they make. Then I would get tiny middle schoolers to
blurb about the little zines by writing blurbs in the bathroom stalls of their
schools. I believe this could be a fantastic idea or it may not happen
the way I plan. It's been thirteen minutes. I kind of failed.

OK
I am so in if we can get parents of two year olds who have those blogs where they talk about
the books they know their two year olds are one day going to write to blurb. That would
be great. Let's blurb the world. We are the blurb. There can be a charity
concert when the book of blurbs come out! I'm pretty sure that white people
like charity. I am not good with time. How many minutes has it been since I got
this email? Who knows?! It's good news to hear about the stuff white people like
book knowing that the stuff white people like book will be right by the register
at Urban Outfitters one day soon and I will buy it and it will sit unopened on
my coffee table and then go to sit on a bookshelf and get nice and dusty. Good
for them. I was so excited when I started reading it for first time. It was is
so inherently funny. Now they are doing news about white people and I just want
to be like no. Make lists! No news! Surely there is more stuff that white
people like! I can send you the novel but I feel bad. It is a draft. It is
incredibly all over the place. If by finished you mean does it have a beginning
middle and end then no. It has a lot of pages though. When you print it out it
sure looks like a novel!

Yes, send it
over and by the end of the month it will be blurbed. If worse comes to
worse I'll just throw my printed copy in the air and read it however it piles
up. Now, for a serious question, shifting gears a little, have you seen
Ironman? Your thoughts please?

I
have not seen Ironman. It must have some kind of crack in it because everyone who
sees it really loves it. And I am not surprised that it's good because it
involves John Favreau and Robert Downey Jr. ya know? Captains Likable is what
they could have called it. If it was called that I would be going to see it. I
am not going to see anything about super heroes unless I have to. Actually the
super heroes movie I love to death is The Ice Storm. I appreciate that these
movies are fun and it's fun for boys to see boys who can become invisible or
freeze stuff by looking at it or turn into squirrels or what have you but is
not for me. I am pretty sure this answer is boring. I will try and find the
novel. I think there are like 12 different versions of it. Oh and I'm not going
to see the Batman movie either. And I'm not going to see the Fantastic Four
part 65. Did you see Ironman? I am trying to think of the last new movie
I saw. This week I tortured self and watched The Number 23. That was pretty
bad! Last year I saw everything because I was writing a column about movies. I
really liked this movie Starting Out in the Evening with Frank Langella. I
interviewed him at a junket and asked what it was like to slap a girl and he
leaned in and slapped me. Gentle, but it was a slap. But you can't go around
asking people if they saw it because nobody saw it. And they should see it.
It's good. He plays an old guy, a novelist. And he's tired. And is he gonna
finish his book? Best thing is it sounds like pretentious dog doody and it
doesn't have a pretentious moment in it. Neato, right?

Right. I
can't remember what it is I'm saying 'right' to. I watched the trailer
for Starting Out in the Evening. I did that queue thing. One day it
will come. I'm embarrassed to admit I own Fantastic Four 2. I got
it for free to review. I think I said it was pro abortion film.
It's funny that Frank Langella slapped you. That didn't really answer
your question. The best I've done is get Chris Cooper to touch my roommate's
mouse pad. I like Ironman because the 7-11 has Ironman donuts and I
sometimes get one to eat. I also appreciate the fact that it is the year
of Robert Downey Jr. Last year I think was the year of Josh Brolin.
You can either send over the best version of your novel or whatever version you
find first. Now, that your not writing
movie reviews what are you doing?

Oh
Chris Cooper is awesome. What a face he has. What a face! Did you see that
movie he made with Ryan Phillippe? It is a one word title. It was so awesome.
And in American Beauty! And Adaptation! I wish he touched my mouse pad. But I
don't have a mouse pad. Donuts are the best. 7-11 has the best Boston Creme donuts.
Do you spell it like that or c-r-e-a-m? I never know. I see it both ways.
Anyway I am constantly shocked by the quality of 7-11 donuts. When they are
fresh they are unstoppable. We don't have Dunkin Donuts here, you know, so it's
a battle. There is a fancy pants place where donuts are gourmet and that's not
right. The netflix queue thing, my God. I have had the same movies sitting here
since February I think. I can't find two. And the other is Gone Baby Gone and
it's made a home in my dvd player so I can see a little bit when I want. This
is the part of the email where I say oh yes I miss Massachusetts I do so much.
I don't think you should be embarrassed to own the Fantastic Movie. I own Beach
Girls and Open Water 2. Open Water 2 is the best. And the DVD extras. Ahahaha.
You have to see it. Is like instead of talking about how they made the movie
they pitch the movie. My friends and I almost lost it first time we saw. Was
like seeing God, so truly confusingly unbelievable and daunting. Open Water 2: Adrift.
And the movie itself. It gets ragged on and it's just plain great. Last year
was the year of Josh Brolin. He's great don't you think? He was so great in
Grindhouse. And he's cute but I'll shut up about that. I'm writing on a new
show for ABC Family called The Secret Life of the American Teenager. I am happy!

I
am going down the street for a nightcap but I will check back later to see
what's next!

No,
I am just too tired for night cap. Anyway, before I sleep let me say Fantastic Four is so not
embarrassing. I hate the phrase "guilty pleasure". What's guilty
pleasure? Well having sex with kittens or children, that would be guilty
pleasure. Where's the guilt in enjoying a super hero movie or a quanit
miniseries featuring Rob Lowe with a nice tan? I love Woody Allen as much as
Cheaper by the Dozen 2. Wooh! Anyway I know film snob stuff has always existed
but don't you think Facebook, MySpace etc make it worse, make everyone so
conscious of the difference between what they like and what they say they like.
Poor us! Poor poor us! And if anything I like stuff that kind of wears itself
on its sleeve. Do you remember that song Rockabye. Oh come on you have to
remember it. Is like a guy with grainy voice talking and then kind if high
pitched wailing everythiiiiing is gonna be all riiiiiiight. Anyway is so
serious! So fun! What's there to feel guilty about, ya know? He put it out
there. Why not grab onto it! Who cares if it's not Radiohead.
Radiohead=Ironman. No need to have to apologize for liking either. Ever. Probably never
will. But that's kind of the thing. I like looking back and giggling. Stuff now
is so cool it's kind of hard to imagine it will be fun to giggle at years from
now. Or maybe I am old fart. Probably that's the ticket. Will now go prepare a
sidecar and readjust the antenna on my tv. I so lie. I don't have the
ingredients to make a sidecar. Heehee.

Okay, I was
going to respond to your first reply by saying that 7-11 donuts are the best
donuts. Seriously, I don't know if dunkin donuts has gotten worse since
you left, but their donuts (the coffee is like candy/crack) are the
worst. Maybe I just never knew there was anything better and now my scope
of things has change since I've discovered 7-11. Your second response brings up an interesting
topic that I've been thinking quite a bit about lately: Getting old. I
don't know whether its because my dad was on myspace for a while (he deleted
his account) and is now on facebook or that I've just begun to realize that I
myself am starting to get out of touch with new technology, but I kind of fear
getting old. Not in a sense that I'm going to die. No, I worry that
at some point my attempts at trying to be cool (as much as we all try not to
try to be cool, deep down it's obvious we all try very hard) will be become
pathetic. It's gotten to a point that I wonder if it isn't best to just
give up whatever it is you do (writing, directing, painting, composing) at age
30 or 40 and completely forget about it. It's kind of harsh, but they say
the peak of your mind is at 25 or 26 so it isn't completely illogical. Then
there's always the David Shields approach, which I kind of take solace in,
which is that nothing matters we're all going to die anyway. Oh, this interview started out with such
life. Remember back then a day ago when we were both excited at the
prospect of wild banter. Now we're just slowly on a path towards
depression. Ha. I can live with it if you can. Just don't
bring up politics. Ehhh.

Oh
thank you I would never in a million years bring up politics. Never. Anyway,
Dunkin Donuts changed something in the receipe. It all started to go to
pot--there's an old people saying for you!--when they started with the syrups.
No, no, no. Don't put syrup in my coffee!!! I really want to know what schmuck
thought that was a good idea. And then they started expanding their menu with
pizza etc. No, no. Donuts, bagels and coolatas are as elaborate as the menu was
meant to be. I don't even want to see chocolate chip cookies on the counter. I
love the ones on the Cape because you go through the drive thru and you order
and you get there and they give you like some onion bagel with strawberry cream
cheee and a pineapple coolatta or whatever and it's like why do they bother
with the whole dance of taking the order? It's so fun! And it never makes
sense, when you ordered like one donut and one coffee. Pineapple is not the
kind of word you just pull out of your imagination. Anyway, in particular with
the Boston Creme going down the tubes, they are smaller and harder. They used
to be doughier. Now they are like little pellets. I mean I still love them
because I don't get to have them whenever I want, but yeah. Dunkin Donuts made
a mistake. Should we start a letter writing campaign to Rachel Ray? It's great
to know that the mind peaks at 26! That was around when I quit New York and
moved in with my parents to be a community theater actress/professional
bridesmaid with a really good tan. I am really happy that I took advantage of
my mind in peak form. Oops. Anyway I agree wtih David guy and you. We are all
going to die. The Stupids have it right.You can jog and eat fish oil capsules
and if it makes you happy great but know that your neighbor could be scarfing
hot dogs and Marlboro Reds and your your neighbor could outlive you. That's why
I don't like people bragging about their behavior. Don't wear a shirt that says
you recycle or don't eat meat. Just do those things if you must and move on.
Live and let live! LOL Let's all move to New Hampshire! Grain alcohol for all!
Anyway the getting older thing is great. I hated 29. I felt sick with all the
awareness that there was a shift coming, a new era. But then you have your
birthday and on it goes. What's your dad doing on Facebook? Like, is he in
groups and is he "twittering? How horrible is that word by the way?
Twittering. Like, thank you word, can you try to be more annoying? No? You
can't? That's okay. You are already annoying enough, word! I am sad because I
was insanely addicted to Scrabble on Facebook and now I feel it fading.Nothing
like an addiction softening, now that's death for you. But hey, at least we're
not talking about politics! And oh my god no, nobody should ever give up
composing or drawling or flamenco dancing or whatever it is they like to do.
Because then then they might start becoming interested in politics and we don't
need another one of those. Shit. I am so eating a donut today.

Twittering is a
funny word. It reminds me of Roald Dahl for obvious reasons. I
remember bringing in his revised nursery rhymes to my fourth grade class for
afternoon reading and the teacher beginning to read the first one about
cinderella, but stopping before cinderella's head gets cut off and he calls her
a slut...I definitely had the scrabble addiction for a few weeks and would
spend insane amounts of time on moves until I knew I had made the correct one.
Don't you think there's added pressure for writers in games like that.
Boggle can be that way. Some asshole always seems to say something...how
was the donut? It really is too bad D&D donuts weren't any good
anymore. I could saran wrap one a 100 times and send it over. I
would ask if there was anything you wanted on the east coast, but you can't
really wrap up a lobster or irate drivers. I take it you're probably
working from home on this script. Do you ever have to do the morning
commute in LA?

Where
to begin! Oh I am a driving person now but not on the freeway. I come in at 7
though so it's nice. You can really drive like a maniac around 6:45 in the
morning. And I make mix CDs and figure out which songs get me to drive the most
crazily. It is not the ones you would think that make you abuse gas pedal. Is fun
game. Boggle can indeed bring out the worst in people. But I'll stop there.
This donut in saran wrap thing would be great if the donuts were still worth
it. I actually didn't have a donut. There were crepes at breakfast and those
are donut like, so ya know, I got my fix. Junkie happy. Junkie have cigarette
and sweet cheese filled thing so junkie happy. Roald Dahl, oh do I love him.
The Twits was in my top 5 as a little kid. And The Witches. I love him so much.
And did you read Boy and Going Solo? What a life. I love all the candy store
stuff, even though I don't like candy or candy stores really. Give me donuts
and fatty things, not sugary things. And James and the Giant Peach. I think I
put that book in a short story once. It is such a nice book. His imagination is
so exciting. Your teacher made a dipshit movie. I mean that is best part of it,
slut calling, head off, etc. Now I need to go buy The Twits because lord knows
I don't know where my copy is. Thank you for offering to send the donut. I like
picturing a donut surrounded by 8000 layers of saran wrap. Sounds like an 8th
grade science diorama. Irate drivers too. And more than anything it's the fun
kind of irate. Here it all feels a little too close to potential serious
trauma. Like, you know in Gone Baby Gone when the kid on the bike tells Casey
Affleck to go fuck his mother? That's cute. That's Mass. Here, if the kid said
that the Casey Affleck would probably pull out a gun. Or the kid would pull the
gun. I dunno. I like the spirit of feistiness that stems from bad weather and
Red Sox and one way streets. Can you play Boggle online? I hope not. I pray
not. You eat a donut today?

p.s.
i ate a donut. krispy kreme. boston creme. it was awesome, compact!

Congratulations
on the donut. I haven't eaten one today. Maybe, I'll get one later
tonight. I'll probably get a fountain drink at 7-11 later
on. Though the middle eastern guy working there last night glared at me
when I went in and just took a straw...I was never big on mix cds. I
preferred swerving all over the road while I switched cds in my disc-man. I
don't mess with CDs anymore, but I would listen to tapes. I like leaving
a gap in technology. When we can get the itunes chip in our brains I'll
check out CDs again...I'm kind of curious what makes you submit fiction or
stories to online journals. Screenwriting isn't as fun? Is it like
Fante said being just hack work and not rewarding and just for a
paycheck. Also, say they accept one of your screenplays, do they chop it
up a lot? Oh, and with the 7th Heaven gig, did you have to go and
watch all the old episodes. If so, I'm sure my mother would like to have
a conversation with you.

Yay
for your mom! 7th Heaven was the best. I was a huge fan, wrote about it
for Entertainment Weekly comparing the Camdens to the Osbournes. Lucky for me, the creator Brenda Hampton read the article. And then she read my
stuff and now I'm working on her glorious new show The Secret Life of the
American Teenager premiering July 1 on ABC Family (yee!). Brenda is the
greatest storyteller, I'm so lucky. Did I use the word lucky yet? Everything in
any show or studio or whatever is gonna get changed, but it's not always like
"Home for Purim" is becoming "Home for Thanksgiving". I
write short stories because I like to write short stories. I send em off to
online journals because I think it's the perfect place for short stories. And
it's fun to wait to hear back from editors. And I blame Sassy because,
basically, they gave me that typewriter and hello, positive association. Send
stories to people = typewriters arrive in mail. Cool! But even better, sending
em out makes me move on and make more. That's the same with scripts and
stories. I can't believe the 7-11 guy was irked by your taking a straw. You
know you have to go back every day and take a straw. Just one straw. Is that
shoplifting? I don't know, but you'll know soon. I hate the way at McDonalds
they make you pay for barbecue sauce. I want to shoplift barbecue sauce from
McDonalds. I love mix cds. You can put Buddy Holly next to Janet Jackson and
then Allman Brothers and then Bobby Short and then Pebbles. Is how I wish radio
stations were, just schizo. Homemade CDs will never be mix tapes but you know,
you can skip around easier and they are flat and shiny. Then again. mix tapes
are more meaningful because you really had to make them, setting up the two
tapes, stopping at the right time. Wow, we worked hard. I need CDs for driving.
I get too tunnel visiony when I drive, the tunnel consisting of the road, the
damn phone, the hunt for the lighter, the lighter, the cd selection, the song
selection and the cigarette. Yes, the ultimate woman driver, here I am, all the
nightmares are true. I do think I can drive and talk and sing along to Janet
Jackson and smoke and maybe text and maybe put on lipstick at the same time.
Wooh! Also, I really like sending stories to Thieves Jargon because Matt is so
solid and clear about what he liked and didn't like. And he's not political.
You guys go with your gut and taste buds. They're not the safest, most
traditional stories, thank god. I mean, the first story I sent to Matt was a
molestation love story and he ran it. Go Matt! I am so with you on gaps in technology. I still have my little flip phone.
Every day is like today do I get an iphone? Eh, maybe tomrorow. So wait. Am I
covering it all? I love writing short stories, l love scripts, they're the same
but different. It's all stories, ya know? Just different size jell-o molds that
they go into. How great is Jell-O by the way? It's bright and clear. It
jiggles. You can pump it full of vodka. It can have like no calories if you
want it to. You only need to add water. And it is made of animal hides. Go
Jell-O. How the hell did I get here?

Jello is not a
bad place to end up. Personally, if it's there I'll take it, if it isn't
I won't miss it. The funny thing is I've had five packages of jello just
hanging out in my cupboards for a year completely untouched. I
personally prefer coke cakes. Just take a can of any soft drink and mix
it with any cake mix. Throw it in a pan and bake and you've got a cake…

…Whoops didn't
mean to hit send. I was going to add that maybe I should tell my mom to
watch the osbournes after reading your article. What are your thoughts on
the Kardashians? The Allman Brothers have that song Jessica right?
Ended up going to 7-11 and got some kind of oatmeal sandwich cookie thing from
krispy kreme rather than a donut. To get back for the straw incident I
paid in mostly pennies.

My
mother loves the Kardashians, well in that way that I think she's actually seen
it like twice but was very into it both times. I prefer The Real Housewives of
New York City, as does my mom. There just aren't enough family shows now that
7th Heaven and Six Feet Under and The Sopranos are finished. The Kardashians
are a family, but that Jenner dad is not a dad I want to look
at.Scaryplasticface! Boo! Yes, The Allman Brothers have Jessica and they also
have Melissa and my favorite Whipping Post. I love the blues. We used to have a
great place on the Cape called The Backside Saloon. Isn't that a great name for
a joint? Oh shit, did I just call a bar a 'joint'? Moving on before I use the
word gig or something! Gregg Allman is still alive and probably will be for
like a hundred years, he is fascinating. Pretty much everyone thinks his
brother Duane was more talented, but Duane died young. Not Gregg. I feel like
Gregg Allman could inhale like 30 pounds of heroin and meth and survive. Now
there is a warped superpower for you. I would see that superhero movie:
DRUGMAN. I love his beard and his long hair and crazy eyes and the way he
married Cher for like ten days but then they had a kid anyway and made and
album and split up. Ten days. Love it. I bet he doesn't pay for straws. Oatmeal
sandwich cookie thing? Oh my, is someone on a health kick? Are you genuinely
into oatmeal? Oatmeal and I have a very bad thing where I buy it like twice a
year and it sits there for six months and then I wake up scared in middle of
night that it is full of worms from sitting there in the cabinet and grab it
and run down hall and throw it into trash chute. And at school when it was
someone's birthday and they brought in oatmeal cookies instead of chocolate
ones I always felt it was some kind of a cheat. So I am intrigued when people
choose oatmeal. Do explain, do explain! Good call paying with the pennies.
Pennies or a credit card. Way to annoy. But I think at 7-11 there is a fee of
like $40,000 if you use a credit card. So yeah, pennies. I never knew about
this coke cake recipe. Maybe I will try it! LOL. We are trading recipes!

Oh.
P.S. Throw away those boxes of Jell-O. I bet they have expired and may be chock
full of worms! Don't want worms in your Jell-O!

Should
never have brought up Gregg Allman because now cannot stop babbling. Okay I
love I'm No Angel also cuz he is has like 10 kids by 10 different women and
it's like hey Greggy, nobody accused you of being an angel! And he gets married
all the time. I like that spirit. He goes with it. But the idea of this guy
with massive drug hiccups and babies all over and a devilish smile singing about
not being an angel is just fantastic. Fantastic! Thanks for telling us, Gregg!
It reminds me of that scene in Dumb and Dumber--one of greatest movies ever
made--where the cop tells Jeff Daniels to "Pull over" and Jeff
Daniels looks down at his chest and looks back at the cop and is like
"It's a cardigan but thanks for noticing!" Yes, thanks for noticing,
Gregg Allman!

Oh
an P.P.S. The Secret Life of the American Teenager premiering on
July 1 on ABC Family (heehee). Your mom will love it and probably develop
a crush on John Schneider. And you will get a kick out of the high school guys,
they're so high school, the way they go about their business, they're not like
TV high school guys and girls, they act like real ones. And as you know Matt
DiGangi has a crush on Molly Ringwald and she is in it and she's Molly
Ringwald! I wish it was July, like, now. Is hard to talk about it because I
want to go on about this scene and that scene but no no, can't ruin anything.
But scene for scene it's just fun. So. Damn. True. And it's got a lovely
timeless feel to it that makes me happy. And yet it's really timely. Magic, ya
know? Magic like Gregg Allman's voice and beard. Oh oh. I didn't mean to go
back to him. How did that happen! Wink, wink.

Yeah, the
oatmeal cookies don't exactly sound as appetizing as a boston creme, but my
options were limited. There were only a few choices (a couple plain
donuts and one last glazed donut that seemed to have been sitting there all
day). The oatmeal cookie sandwich was filled with a ridiculous amount of
frosting. I do agree that oatmeal raisin cookies on a birthday does feel
like cheating. It also doesn't feel right that a jello can expire.
I refuse to throw it out ever.
I think Molly Ringwald is the perfect lady for Matt. I feel like he might
have something for older red headed women. Maybe you could write an
episode where there is a subplot of Molly becoming involved with a small time
literary publisher on the east coast. Oh, and then maybe she could also
fall for Gregg Allman and there would be that love triangle going on.
Your idea for DRUGMAN is decent, but I'd be afraid he'd just be made a stoner
hippy and say, "Far Out," and other shitty things. I think it
would be better if he was into the hard stuff and his power, along with flying,
was that he had an extrememely high tolerance for the stuff. Too bad your
show is ABC Family because then you could have created DRUGMAN as a small
character in the show and then taken him into a spin off of his own. One
of my favorite shows...okay, something strange just happened. I couldn't
remember what the name of this tv show was I used to like to watch old reruns
of on USA in the morning. All I could remember was the main character had
this really cool locker with a secret room attached. So I went to a 90's
tv show page hoping something would catch my attention, but none of the names
did. So then I decided to just click randomly and hope a picture or a
show description would give me the answer and the first link I click on was
"Parker Lewis" which happened to be the show I was looking for.
I love when stuff like that happens. I don't know what it is, but I like
it. Anyway, sorry to get off on this tangent. Did you ever watch
this show, "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" I feel like I was in middle
school when the reruns appeared. This also might have been the summer
when we somehow got free HBO (it was a little fuzzy) and I watched Black Sheep
at least 40 times.

Omigod
forgive me if I sound like Eric Cartman but DRUGMAN is NOT a hippie. Oh no. He
is a hard ass. He has a past. He can open bottles with his knuckles. He is a
nutcase. He is a knucklecase! He has a super high tolerance, super human
tolernace. He is not some hippie rolling a joint on a futon in a dorm in
Vermont beneath one of those terrible smelly tarps. No, no, no. It's my bad
about your oatmeal cookies. I neglected to factor in the frosting and frosting
is everything. Please don't wind up in the hospital over internal injuries
caused by expired Jell-O. I would feel so bad. Molly is spoken for. Matt's
aware. It's all good. I do remember Parker Lewis Can't Lose. Corin Nemec really
won me over with the MOTW I Know My First Name is Steven. Parker was a little
too cool. A little too pointy or something. Also that was around the time New
Kids on the Block came up, and once they came along, forget it. No use for
Parker. No use for anything. My parents got pretty scared at one point. Must be
so horrible you have this daughter and she is normal and stuff and then
suddenly she is a Block Head with posters of Joey McIntyre on her wall. Bad
daughter! Bad! Back to Parker. I like the talking locker if there in fact was a
talking locker. I like when inanimate objects talk. Even if it's not out loud.
Wilson in Castaway is one of the most well developed, interesting characters
ever, you know? I mean I believe that he exists and has moods and feelings and
stuff. Oh when you look at a still thing and it appears to have an expression.
That is such a joy. I really, really love that. Now somehow I can't peg Black
Sheep. But that is the best feeling, watching a movie over and over again. I am
so repetitive. I probably repeated myself like 80 times today already and it's
not even that late in day! Is Black Sheep Chris Farley? I could look on imdb
but is more fun this way. I love that Chris Farley. I love when he had the
dance off with Patrck Swayze. That was heaven. Stale donuts are hell. The
worst. DRUGMAN does not do stale donuts.

I remember in
second grade when all the girls loved New Kids on the Block and all the boys
loved the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Coming Out of Their Shells music
tape. We used to fight over which one was played in the tape recorder at
break time. A few years later TMNT3 and I got that soundtrack and really
got into that song Tarzan Boy by Baltimora and which incidentally was the same
band playing when I drove to prom except it was a song Chinese Restaurant.
Holy Shit...I was just looking back over this mammoth interview. Lots to
live up to for future TJ weekly interviews.
The jello remains, the potatoes in the bottom cupboard from a three months ago
were remembered and tossed. I'm curious, any special memories from your
brown days. Also, as a writer do you get to hang out with Molly Ringwald
ever? I guess this would be the time to drop names of all the big
celebrities you've been in the same room with. Are you kind of
desensitized to all that now after working in the entertainment industry for a
couple of years?

Wow.
We talk. A lot. I am kind of blushing and going oh, so this is why on that
stupid facebook function where you compare people I am deemed talkative. I bet
you are too. This is a lot of words. I hope that's okay. I get so stream of
conscious and can't stop typing to save my life! Especially when you are
bringing up stuff like donuts and Kardashians and straw stealing. So instead of
keeping it short here I go again, but not on my own since you're reading. Ha!
Hello Whitesnake, how you been?! As a writer I get to hang out primarily with
other writers which is amazing. So, yes, Matt can relax. It's not like I'm
throwing back Zimas with Molly Ringwald all day. There is no Zima. And there is
a show to be made so it's a good thing there is no Zima or we would all be
hammmaaahhhed! But July 1, seriously. Actors, crew, writers, everyone is so
great, the show is great. And then again July 8. And then again...you get it.
As far as celebrity stuff let me see. Come on brain, drop names already. Okay,
I hung out with George Clooney in a bar once for a looong time and that was
fun. And I was a gossip reporter at the time so it was cool of him to talk as
he did, totally, 100000% off the record. I like people that can see beyond your
job, whatever your job is. And in doing gossip stuff, I had lots of 12 second
conversations with people, met them, but meeting someone is not knowing them
you know? So right now I will say Kurt Russell is awesome and so is Martin
Landau--we smoked cigarettes and talked about Crimes and Misdemeanors, that was
heaven! And if you asked me this tomorrow, I would probably say all different names,
like Chevy Chase, who was so funny and deadpan just like you would want him to
be and said when I asked him why there aren't more women director,
"Because women aren't as funny as men. Everyone knows that." Ha! But
that is a whole other subject, one you are soooo good with here. Hello review
of Baby Mama, that was hysterical. Okay, thinking about celebrity interactions
makes me want to think about something else, like how bizarre to be in 2nd
grade when New Kids and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were up. See, I would
never think of those two things as part of the same moment since I am older and
so only knew of the turtles through my cousins who were into them. Timing is
everything. God, it is, dammit. I don't know this band Baltimora but will put
it on my list with Black Sheep and the other movie you mentioned. Good that you
tossed the potatoes. God, that sounds like a sexual innuendo. I get really
stubborn and stupid about new music, I gotta say. I didn't know Justice was a
band--or a deejay?--till after I watched the video. But now I like Justice. So
it's a new thing and I like it and I won't have to get that scrunched up face
when someone brings it up. Thank you, M. Baumer! (I like that as a name. M.
Baumer. It sounds so foreign! Like you're a spy or something.) Tossed the
potatoes actually sounds like code for killing obese people. Hmm. I'm not
desensitized. I don' think I can be desensitized. I scare really easily, like
really really easily. I am hyper sensitive. Senses are awesome. The one thing I
am jaded about is LA night clubs, so it's a good thing I am not a 21 year old
whore! I love to dance, east coast absolutely has west coast beat when it comes
to dancing. Dancing in New York and Cape Cod bars is the best thing in the
world. It's so casual and spontaneous and really dancy when you dance in a bar,
like in Footloose when they cross the state line, or Dirty Dancing when dancing
is just, you know, what they do so why not be good at it? Dancing here so often
looks like posing. And posing is being still and conscious which is the
opposite of dancing, dancing being limber and loose, so it's kind of silly.
Wait. Did I have a point? I dunno but now I wanna dance! In a bar, not a club!
But it doesn't matter cuz I wanna go to work tomorrow. Want to go to work. Not
have to. Now there's a fun phrase. Maybe that can be DRUGMAN's catchphrase: I
want to go to work. Yee! Is this really it? Well Gregg Allman allmighty, this
was fun. Thank you, thank you, M. Baumer. Now please go toss that Jell-O! Ick.
That can't be the last thing I say. The last thing I say will instead be the
last thing I say.