Abraham Lincoln’s Liberation of the Falkland Islands
The incredible wealth of historical
information discovered inside President Kennedy’s underground Boston bunker is
only now being organized and catalogued. Kept safe from the cadre of cyborgs
who posed as the Joint Chief of Staffs in the 1960’s (and who were responsible
for his actual assassination in 1977), it has been the inspiration for
numerous historical accounts only now being released to the public. One of the
more peculiar of these is
Abraham Lincoln’s Liberation of the
Falkland Islands
In August of 1865, the Civil War had
all but ended. A few skirmishes in Montana (where military communication was
difficult) aside, fighting had ceased. President Lincoln, weary from the effort
of maintaining American unity looked with hope towards reconstruction and
peace. However, his calm state of mind was to be short lived.
Passages from Lincoln’s secret diary
(as well as U.S. Army records hidden in the Kennedy bunker by Bobby before his actual assassination in 1991) have been researched and used in the synthesis of
this account. According to these esoteric sources, the President was approached
by three men, “dressed in sparkling military uniforms and wearing the darkest
of eye-glasses,” as he was taking his morning constitutional around the
Washington Mall. August 17, 1865 being before the days of significant Secret
Service protection, the President was accustomed to speaking with the citizenry
of the U.S. on such walks.
The men, overpowering the gangly
President, rendered him unconscious without even exchanging pleasant greetings.
Lincoln awoke in a small metal room, well-furnished but surrounded by pipes and
wires. The confused Head of State immediately left his room and stepped into
what he was soon told was the command center of the USS Antebellum. The
President, marveling at the advanced technology of the room, was soon noticed
by the nuclear submarine’s captain, Guntz Leppard. Captain Leppard escorted a
dazed Lincoln into a briefing room.
After being informed of his location
(the South Atlantic) and the year (1983), Lincoln was told of a situation that
delicately required his assistance. The following is a transcript from
videotape filmed at the time and preserved in the Kennedy bunker.
Leppard: Mr. President, I realize
that this comes as a bit of a shock to you.
Lincoln: Marvelous, Captain! Simply marvelous!
Leppard: Yes…Well, there are some difficult things I must say to you now, Mr.
President. Lincoln: Marvelous! A Negro commander! To think of it!
Leppard: Yes, sir…Mr. President, you are going to be assassinated.
Lincoln: What?
Leppard: I realize this is difficult to hear, but –
Lincoln: And you’ve come to save me?
Leppard: Not…exactly. You see, that might have some unforeseeable effects on the
current timeline. I’m not quite sure what that means, but some very intelligent
scientists have assured me of it.
Lincoln: I’m to be killed? Just as peace was beginning…
Leppard: Yes, Mr. President. But I’m here at the behest of President Reagan –
Lincoln: President Reagan, you say? Good man, is he?
Leppard: Oh, quite. Anyway, he has authorized me to offer you one last chance
to help your country.
Lincoln: I’m sorry. This is a lot to take in…Certainly. Whatever you need.
Leppard: Well, sir, it’s like this: You are a Republican, are you not?
Lincoln: Why, yes! As the sixteenth president, I was the first Republican-
Leppard: Yes, I know. That would make your natural enemy…Democrats.
Lincoln: Well, in a manner of speaking, certainly.
Leppard: Well, in 1939 a world war will begin that will eventually pit a
Democratic president against a political party in Germany-
Lincoln: Prussia?
Leppard: Yeah. Whatever. So, this Roosevelt’s enemy is the Nazi Party, so…
Lincoln: Ah. Say no more.
Leppard: Yes. So you see…the enemy of your enemy is…
Lincoln: My friend?
Leppard: Yes sir!
The situation was soon explained to
The Great Emancipator: Argentina, secret puppet state of the deposed Nazi Party
(and quietly ruled by The Butcher of Auschwitz, Dr. Joseph Mengele), was about
to engage in a bitter confrontation with the United Kingdom over a small chain
of islands in the South Atlantic. Thought nominally allied with Margaret
Thatcher’s government, the United States under President Reagan sought to free
the Falkland Islands from the tyrannical grip of Mrs. Thatcher. If that meant
helping the Nazis: so be it.
President Lincoln asked what he was
to do to help. Captain Leppard explained that he was to undergo training and
lead an elite strike force that would cripple the English forces in a dramatic
beach landing. When the President questioned Captain Leppard about this, noting
that he had no military experience (and was, in fact, a bit of a wimp), the
Captain simply laughed and told him that there was a very capable man who could
make him a force to be reckoned with. At this, an elderly Theodore Roosevelt
entered the room.
First snatched by the U.S. government
from the murky waters of 1919 in 1962 to train Cuban expatriates for the Bay of
Pigs invasion (which, in actuality, was a success), Roosevelt’s experience with
the Rough Riders during the Spanish American War had been invaluable. Now well
over 70 years old (and still the robust physical specimen of his youth thanks
to bionic implantation), Roosevelt had been responsible for numerous successful
American operations overseas in the 1960’s and 70’s.
Roosevelt: President Lincoln! As I
live and breathe! Well? Are you ready to be made into a deadly tool, Bucko?
Lincoln: Roosevelt, eh? Any relation to this other man the Captain has spoken
of?
Roosevelt: Why, yes, though I take no great pleasure in it. A distant cousin.
Good man. Strong principles. A cripple, though.
Lincoln: How awful.
Roosevelt: Oh, yes. Quite useless as a human being. Why, a small child could
incapacitate him!
Leppard: Thank you, Mr. President. Well, President Lincoln: what do you say?
Lincoln: Gentlemen, as much as I’d like to help you, I just don’t think I have
the vigor for it. You must realize that I’m drained! The Civil War! Surely you
have learned of it from your elementary school history classes! Just as surely
as the most salient fact children today know about me is my upbringing in a log
cabin!
Leppard: Mr. President, I thought you might say that. President Roosevelt:
bring in President Reagan.
At this point, Theodore Roosevelt
opened the door to admit Eddie Murphy. The subterfuge the U.S. government had
orchestrated was a success: President Lincoln, so inspired by the sight of an
African-American president, saw all his efforts during the Civil War as a success
and was determined to do one last bit of good for his country. Mr. Murphy, it
is important to note, was paid handsomely for his work (and silence on the
matter) with a role on the hit NBC show Saturday Night Live.
Records of President Lincoln’s training
and subsequent mission are limited. There is a work order in the Kennedy Bunker
authorizing the attachment of a cybernetic arm to a patient, 6’4” tall and
simply referred to as “A.L.” Beyond that, the fate of the 16th President is unknown. His mission a success (and a caveman named Grog the
actual victim of John Wilkes Booth’s bullet in Ford’s Theater), Argentina was
free to continue to create a race of Aryan supermen on the Falkland Islands.
histories collected by Alex Butzbach
