Three guys sat around a breakfast table and they said very
nice things about each other and it was almost like they had felt a strong love
for one another for a long time even though they didn’t really know each other
very well. One of them was named Dale
and in middle school he was overweight and only wore Nirvana shirts because
Kurt Cobain killed himself when he was in fourth grade and he had just bought Teen Spirit and it was the first album
he had ever owned and it almost made him not want to like another band ever
again, but that didn't last because he got into Bush in seventh grade, which
was kind of a mistake, but it didn't matter because he still liked Nirvana the
best and had thirteen Nirvana shirts that he only wore from fifth grade all the
way to freshmen year of high school when his aunt accidentally bought him that
Offspring shirt and though he didn't really like the band a whole lot the shirt
wasn't faded and he felt pretty cool when he wore it.  And then some kids
in biology threw a glass beaker at him and yelled anarchy and he seemed kind of
intrigued because that was what he was feeling at the moment and two weeks later
he was no longer wearing the Nirvana shirts and was really into Bad Religion
and Nofx even though when he was alone he still listened to Nirvana but he
didn't admit it because his friends were baby punks, well that's not what he
called them, but in general terms they were still children and lived with their
parents and found ideas like anarchy and rebellion interesting and they found
the DIY lifestlye freeing because their whole lives they'd had everything done
for them.  Anyway, the little former Nirvana boy didn't really pick up on
these things, but maybe some professor in college would discuss counter
cultures and he'd remember he was a young punk who used his parent's car on
weekends.  And maybe he wouldn't remember it because by junior year he was
smoking weed and asking his parents for money to go to the movies every weekend
even though he was really going to go to whoever’s parents weren't home.  And
this Nirvana boy's father would be like, "Didn't I give you a twenty just
the other day?  You know I liked it better when you listened to that punk
music and didn't have to go to a movie every weekend."  And so it was
about this time the Nirvana boy, now in his polos and ralph laurens, looks in
his closet for things to sell on ebay and finds the nirvana shirts. He gets $3
for each of them. Then he went out to
eat.

Oh no.  Oh no.  We is stupid.  America dumb face.  Ugh.
 I donut is no information.  Ugh.  The America political message
is in television, but I click click go run at cartoons on boats with fireworks
in the middle of football field full of blonde haired vaginas with black roots
in vroom vroom.  Oh no.  Ugh.  The boom.  There goes the
boom.  America is in the boom dangerzone.  I like the america when
things were best and everyone liked us.

If a man worked in an egg plant every day and his friends worked in they egg
plant they would probably pool their Friday paychecks and talk to some of the
Mexican immigrants at the egg plant and get three bowl packs worth of weed and
each of them would forget about their children more than usual and maybe they
would say things like, "I wish I was a great pianist," but they would
flub the line and it would come out more sophomoric and they would all laugh
and try to explain themselves and laugh more and think, "America is
great," even if they weren't really thinking it and then the weed would
float away from their lungs and they'd act more high then they really were and
pretend they were so stoned they couldn’t remember how to get out of their work
clothes when they got into bed, but the truth was they just wouldn't care.
 And in the night they might have dreams of being Kevin Costner or Judge
Reinhold or someone like that from back when they still went to movies.
 Then the next day at work they would break eggs on each other's knuckles
and laugh and hide the evidence when the management made the rounds because
management was making cutbacks.
At night political ads come on the TV to give America hope and sometimes the
people working at the egg plants would watch one while they make egg soup or
egg roast for dinner.

Political advertisement from talking head #1
"We need to eliminate the nuclear arms build up.  I think we should
shoot them deep into space and then sell the tools to retrieve them to
developing third world countries, but make sure we hold the key and never let
those little Indian countries get out from under our boot.  I am talking
head # 1 and I approve this message."

Political message from talking head #2
"There are problems.  We all see them.  We aren't stupid.
 He is the problem. I am the
solution. You need me to solve this
problem. The only choice is for me to
fix this problem. I am a very
trustworthy person. People like me. I wear a suit like I’ve got a big dick. Look at me, tell me I don’t have a big
dick. Okay, my dick isn’t really
important, but it gets lonely if I don’t give it the right amount of
attention. Hello, big guy. It likes when I talk to it. Anyway, me and my dick can solve the world’s
problems. I am talking head #2 and my
dick approves this message.”

Political message from talking head #independent
"There are millions of crickets and chipmunks in the forest full of an
endless supply of energy.  I think if we caught them all and put them on
running wheels and jumping suits we might be able to harness this energy or
something.  I am talking head #independent and I approve this
message."

Timeframe: the 1990’s
A movie theater has a display of floating monkeys.  The monkeys are disconnected
from the world. They think they are in
space. They don’t believe in earth. The world has ended.  The cardboard they
are made of is starting to dissipate.  They ask each other, "Do you
smell rotting vegetables?"  They agree there is a festering odor.
 They are embarrassed.  They don't want to admit it is them. Their spaceship is made from an old Buick
LeSable.

Time frame: Fifty-billion years ago:
One monkey tried to lease a Buick LeSable.  The car salesman said,
"You have no money monkey."  The monkey rolled its eyes at the
car salesman.  The car salesman did not want to deal this monkey.
 His collar was irritating his neck.  He had been sweating earlier.
 Now it was dry, but clammy.  The car salesman tried to push the
monkey out the door.  The monkey just looked at the man.  The car
salesman put both hands in his pockets, leaned back on his heels, and said,
"So you want to play this game?"  The monkey didn't answer.
 It didn't understand why it was there.  The monkey wasn't actually
trying to lease a Buick LeSable.  It had wandered into the car lot and
rubbed the teal Buick.

Timeframe: Ten years into the future.
Two monkeys tried to eat rocks.  They could not swallow them.  The
rocks chipped their teeth.  They didn't like the sound of the rocks on
their molars.  They took the rocks out of their mouths.  There was a
highway on the other side of a wall.  They looked at each other and then
at the rocks in their hands.  One of the two monkeys thought, "This
rock is why my grandmother bought a Buick LeSable."  This monkey did
not understand its thought.  The other monkey had a similar thought,
"This rock drives like a Buick LeSable."  Like the first monkey
it did not understand what it was supposed to mean.  It did have questions
like, "If this was supposed to be a kids movie or an action movie (It
wasn't sure if he was in Space Chimps,
Planet of the Apes, or Eddie) why
are they advertising a car predominantly owned by the elderly?"

Timeframe: Present
Three monkeys wore vee-neck t-shirts.  One of them smoked a cigarette.
 There is no warning for monkeys.  It only says, "May cause
damage to pregnant women."  A monkey is not a pregnant woman.  That
is why this monkey smokes.  The other two monkeys in vee-neck shirts are
eating ice cream cones.  The three of them are trying to go to a nightclub
called robot.  They do not know where it is.  They do not know that
vee-neck shirts are not allowed.  They ask a raincoat salesman if he knows
where the club robot is.  He does not.  He asks them if they want to
buy a raincoat.  They do not.  It is not raining.  As they are
walking away a blimp flies overhead.  It is not dumping milk tonight. That is why no one is buying raincoats.
 The side of it says, "I am a Buick LeSable."

I am an American teen. An American, zit faced, cheerleader-fucking,
homophobic,

weed-smoking-on-the-weekends,

driver-of-my-parents-best-car,

soon-to-be-the-most-famous-artist-in-the-world,

depressed-to-all-hell-about-boys,

depressed-to-all-hell-about-my-girlfriend-making-out-with-the-popular-band-geek-in-the-school-swimming-pool,

depressed-to-all-hell-about-my-father-saying-its-either-scholarship-or-iraq,

depressed-to-all-hell-about-my-dead-retarded-sister-and-about-my-bestfriend-hooking-up-with-my-number-one-crush,

(and when a girl sends a picture of her topless to the boy she likes then I'll
be sure to get my hands on it and send it to the rest of the school), (and when
my negro friend is feeling pretty good about himself I'll call him an overwight
present-day Magic Johnson), (and fuck it if this movie is about me, the American
teen, why even bother showing our stupid fucking teachers I mean all they're
going is preach and try and make it past the editing room because they really
believe they still have a chance to be famous even though they're 40 and the
only chance they'll ever have at fame is if they shoot some kind of mature
video of them testing their students)...yeah, I'm all these things. I'm
the present day entertainment hungry teen. I text message my book reports
to my teachers. If they don't get them it’s not my fault. You live
in America; learn to use a cell phone. And please don't cry if I break up
with you via text message. I'm probably already fucking someone else.
Don't call me. Do I really need to be there when you cry? I'm
going to Notre Dame faggots. My dad went there. I'm going to fuck
at least three football players. My mother told me what sorority to join.
The one that fucks the football players, but is still classy enough to
marry a well-respected, young rich Catholic boy. Mom, you can’t control my life. Dad, I’m not going to Iraq. And girls, I’m horny. I’m very horny. I play video games all day. I dream of being in love. If you don’t find me completely nauseating
then please contact me and I’ll fly you in and we can go to the prom together.

Baghead wasn't always a baghead.  He was Lloyd or
Donald or Akbar or Seth.  There were a range of possibilities, but no one
is quite sure who exactly he was because it was a long time ago. Years and years have passed since he became Baghead. People can’t quite remember his name, but
they're pretty sure it wasn’t Seth. Anything, but Seth.
Before Baghead was Baghead he had a plastic lunchbox with dinosaurs on the
facing.  It came with a matching thermos.  The thermos had a stegosaurus
on it.  Before Baghead was Baghead, he thought he would have been a stegosaurus
if he had been around in the Jurassic era. He felt his head was similar to the stegasaurus. I think Baghead, before he was Baghead, was
tormented because of his small head.  Once he had a kite and it had been
tossed in a river.  Another time he brought his father's paperweight to
school.  A single penny in glass block.  That got tossed in the lake.
 The town was very aqueous. Then
their came the day when they took his lunchbox, filled it with rocks, and threw
it into the ocean. They stripped Baghead
naked and held them down while they did this. After the lunchbox sunk they burned his clothes and went home to dinners
their mothers had cooked.

Baghead, in the few minutes before he became Baghead, jumped
in the water, but forgot he didn’t know how to swim. He wanted to go home. He wanted his kite back. He wanted his father to run his classmates
over in his car.

Baghead found the bag in the trash by the beach. He poked holes and put it on his head. He thought of revenge, but he was weak and
naked. Instead he walked home. People looked and pointed. Baghead waved. They laughed. He felt a little better. People
at the Chinese restaurant ran to the window to look at him. He waved at them too. They laughed. Baghead walked for a long time. He did not know where he was. He
did not go home. A local news crew
wanted to interview him. He said, “They
stole my kite, my father’s paperweight, and my lunch box. They burned my clothes.” Then he waved. People watching laughed. The kids who did this to him saw him on the
news and said, “Hey, there’s that kid, the one…ah…you know, the baghead.”

Scully quit the FBI.  She wants to broaden her career.  "I want
to be a doctor on ER."
 They don't want her.  She becomes a nun.  Mulder grows a beard.
 It is very cold.  He wishes he knew if aliens grew beards or not.
 He is back and forth on whether a beard is the truth he has been
searching for or not.  Every other month he cuts it off and wakes up the
next morning feeling abducted. Scully
sleeps next to him. She dreams about hot
tubs full of panda bears and it scares her and has her waking in the middle of
the night screaming, “No. No. No.” She remembers the television show Chicago
Hope and thinks she could have gotten on that show if it was still
around. The producers of ER frighten her. She actually can’t watch the show. The last time she watched Anthony Edwards was
raped or something. She watched it with
her mother. “Wait,” Scully thinks, “Do I
have a mother?” Yes, she does. It was very uncomfortable to watch Anthony
Edwards get raped on primetime television. It may have even been the live episode of ER. They did two
performances. One for the east coast and
one for the west coast. Scully remembers
thinking it must be very uncomfortable for Anthony Edwards to get raped twice
on live television. For some reason Scully
is a little annoyed. Thinking of ER gets her upset. She wishes Mulder would stop cutting out
newspaper articles and tacking them on the wall. He wishes she wouldn’t just get in bed and
turn her back to him each night. They
have problems. There is a physic down
the street that Mulder suggests they go to and get married counseling from. “First off,” says Scully, “We’re not married
and second, I heard he molests little boys.” Mulder thinks they should still go. “That has nothing to do with our relationship,” he says, “I think it
would really help.” The other nuns at
the hospital Scully works at make fun of her behind her back. She does not care. She gives them the finger. They cover their mouths. Mulder thinks maybe he would look better without
a beard. He cuts it off. It starts to snow. He believes it might be a sign. He drives off the road. He understands. A dog tries to bite him. Russians shoot the dog and try and attach the
dog head to Mulder’s shoulder. Scully
visits the psychic with a history of touching little boys. He says he sees a man’s body with a dog’s
head. Scully leaves without paying. That night she sleeps alone. She still keeps her back turned to Mulder’s
side of the bed. In her dreams her and
Mulder are in a rowboat.

I met a guy who said he wanted to rape Will Ferrell.
Or maybe he didn't. Maybe it was John C Reilly. I’ve never met John C Reilly. Maybe the guy who wants to rape Will Ferrell
was really making an analogy and didn't take in to account people like me who
are unable to understand analogies. I can only understand three things.
Analogy isn't one of these things. Neither is logic, Ferris wheels,
or polyurethane. This is stupid. Will Ferrell didn't have a father
and he wanted to learn how to ice skate, but he only had a mother so she taught
him to figure skate and then all little hockey boys at school called him a fag
and then raped him which is very hypocritical, but they didn't understand hypocrisy
and thought of themselves as being very cool and also they had no teeth.
They liked to tell people they didn’t have teeth because hockey pucks
knocked them out, but it was really because their fathers only let them drink
soda. Will Ferrell's father didn't make him drink anything because he was
dead, but if he had it would have probably been soda because he would have
wanted his son to grow up to be a great hockey player. As it stood Will
Ferrell's mother made him drink milk and tea. He had a full set of teeth.
This may be a reason, on top of being a figure skating sissy, that all
the hockey players raped him. Also, I should note that I do not know what
relation a toothless grin has to not being able to understand hypocrisy or what
drinking soda has to do with playing hockey. I do not quite want to go to
the point of saying that I do not know what I am talking about, but there is a
pretty good chance I don't.
So where does John C Reilly fit in? He was motherless. His father
made him play drums. His mother killed herself at a little cart shop in the
mall. She had been browsing the pillow pets cart and then she pulled out
a gun and fired in a wayward direction. Somehow her head was blown off.
Don't ask me how this was done. I was neither there nor have I ever
attempted such a thing. This was also the day she gave birth to John C
Reilly. Maybe she killed herself in the hospital with a pistol because
she knew it was the only way that John C Reilly would survive. I really
don't want to be ridiculous. I am trying very hard not to be. This
review is really ridiculous. It is more
of a review of another movie Will Ferrell was in called Blades of Glory. I think a
lot of these things happened in that movie as well. I don’t know. I own Blades of Glory. I do not own Step Brothers. It is
unownable at the moment. In two weeks
that might change.

Will Ferrell walked into a house. He said, “I motherfucking own this house.” John C Reilly was hiding in either the
dishwasher, made by Maytag, or in the toaster. He might have been standing in the middle of the living room.

John C Reilly said, “You know Will, I’m tired.”

“Tired of what?”

“This.”

“What do you mean, ‘this’?”

“Like the whole, ‘me and you doing things very unserious’
thing.”

“I know, but I don’t know. Please tell me more.”

“I’m a serious person.”

“You are.”

“I am.”

“You were in a movie with Kevin Fucking Costner.”

“I’m serious.”

“I know. I only spoke
facts in that last sentence.”

“True. I was just
worried once you got swearing you’d stop being serious.”

“Our lives are ridiculous.”

“I know. I don’t have
a mother.”

“She shot herself with a wayward bullet.”

“That makes me sad.”

“Being serious makes me sad.”

Hellboy 2 left a post it on the refrigerator to remind
himself to wear sunglasses. He did not
want people to know who he was. It was
his birthday. He did not remember. A gilled man gave him an iPod and a birthday
card. Hellboy 2 did not believe in
MP3. He did not understand them. He once believed in Santa Claus. Then one day his father said Santa Claus died. Hellboy 2 cried. That was a long time ago. Still sometimes he would look up in the sky
and wonder. He forgot his sunglasses
when he left the house. George Michael’s
grandfather was very upset. He no longer
lived in the Bluth attic.

Some aliens from Men
in Black II were begging for change. They accidentally ate the entire cast and crew for the show Sex and the City. The set for Godzilla, the one with Mathew Broderick, had been up for
auction. Bidding started at eleven
dollars. Rocksteady and Bebop, from Ninja Turtles II, were looking for work
too. It was not a good time to be job
hunting. The turtles themselves had
filed for bankruptcy. They were living
in Hellboy 2’s guest house.

“Come on guys,” said Hellboy 2, “I can get you a cameo. The audience would go crazy.”

Leonardo said it was beneath them to do cameos.

“We’ll just stick with what we’re doing,” he said. They did birthday parties to pay the bills
and support Michelangelo’s coke habit. Last
birthday party Michelango pissed in the family’s pool and then passed out into
it. The other three were planning an
intervention. Hellboy 2 couldn’t make
it. He was on set. Hellboy 1 said he would be there, but would
probably plan to have something come up. He’s already planned a cruise for that day with the money he got from
DVD sales. Instead, he planned to cater
the intervention with money he got from VHS sales.

Hellboy 2 forgot about the post it. George Michael’s grandfather kept calling and
screaming at him. TMZ.com put up a picture
of Hellboy 2 on their website next to a picture of Lindsay Lohan’s younger
sister getting out of a car. She wasn’t
wearing panties. Lindsay Lohan’s mom
took the picture.

Hellboy 2 ended up trying to return the iPod at K-Mart. He was unsuccessful. He threw the iPod off his bedroom wall. It broke. He felt bad. He put what was left
of it on eBay. Brendan Frasier won the
auction for $2000. “I’m so hot right
now,” he said to himself. He sent
Hellboy 2 a message, “Hey, what about getting me into your movie, a cameo at
the end or something. I want to be
2008’s version of the 2008 version of Robert Downey Jr. The
Mummy 3 is my Ironman. Journey
to the Center of the Earth is my Tropic
Thunder. Hellboy 2 will be my Hulk cameo. Thanks for the iPod.”

Hellboy 2 did not respond. He did not send the iPod. Brendan
Fraiser didn’t bother filing a claim against Hellboy 2 and still left a positive
customer rating.

And I’m walking down the street whistling to myself saying, “Hancock…Hancock,
Hancock.” All the bums look at me. Why are they always down by the park looking
at me begging for train fare? Hancock
sits outside the McDonalds. He sings “Rock
‘n Roll McDonalds.” Someone comes out of
the college radio station and says, “Mr. Willis, do you mind if we interview
you for our radio show.” He doesn’t say
anything. He’s tired of coming up with
Will Smith lines for Will Smith. He doesn’t
want to have to start pretending he’s the second coming of Wesley Willis. He lets him die. Your friend should have been there.

Hancock is tired of sitting out front of the McDonalds. He goes in and asks for an application. He forgets he doesn’t know how to read and
write. They say, “Can you flip a burger?” He isn’t sure. They put him on the fry basket. He wears his sunglasses. Some of the customers complain. He reaches into their stomach and takes back
the fries. They fire him on the second
day.

He decides to give the army a try. They stick him in a Jungle. They say, “End the war. Use your special powers.” He is tired of using them. He’d rather hump his way through to
freedom. He gets thrown out of the army
for insubordination.

He calls up his brother Phil. Phil doesn’t answer. Phil is busy. Phil is mortal and envious of Hancock because he just seems to waste
everything he’s given. He’s also jealous
because Hancock is Will Smith and he’s Charlie Murphy.

Hancock returns to McDonalds and throws the kid working the
fry basket through the glass front window. He is kind of sorry. McDonalds
doesn’t give him his job back. He still
shows up each day and wears his own uniform made out of old McDonald
wrappers. Things are looking up.

A robot stood on the day after the apocalypse.

“I am not a robot,” it said.

The robot said hello to a refrigerator. The day before it said hello to a fire
extinguisher, a lighter, a twirling cube thing, a bug, and lots of other
junk. The refrigerator didn’t say
anything. Nothing ever did. A bug kind of scurried, but it couldn’t
really talk. The robot opened the
refrigerator. Someone shouted, “Robots
don’t eat.” A child cried. “We’re all robots,” I thought. The person behind me said, “I hope Indiana
Jones isn’t inside.” Another person
behind me said, “God, that movie was awful.” I reached in my pocket. I prayed
for Etgar Keret’s wrench. Technically it
wasn’t his wrench, but he knew people who had wrenches and hit people in the
face with them. I wanted to be one of
these people.

The robot said, “Excuse me refrigerator. I don’t mean to hurt you, but I would like to
cut you open.” The robot didn’t really
say this, but I think that’s what he implied when he beeped. The robot beeped and the refrigerator offered
up the last plant in the known world.

Everyone groaned, “Not another environmental-save-the-planet
movie.” A black man in the back said,
“Fuck Al Gore.” Everyone laughed. I did not know for sure that it was a black
man who said this. I hope you don’t
think I’m racist. I do not know for sure
if it was a black man who said this. I
made a stereotype and I am not a good person because of it, but I don’t mean to
offend anyone. My logic isn’t always
right. I am not afraid to admit
this. I am wrong a lot. I just thought that black people often yell
things out during movies. They are
usually funny. I wish I had seen The Happening with a theater full of
black people. They would have said
things like, “Don’t go into the forest you stupid white bitch.” Maybe they wouldn’t have said anything. Like I said, I am wrong most of the time. If someone had said this during The Happening while Mark Wahlberg was
onscreen then I would have laughed. I
think Mark Wahlberg would have laughed as well. He has a good sense of humor. His brother is named Donny. I bet he laughs at Donny a lot.

A little boy. He is
no one. “I wish I could fuck Angelina
Jolie,” he thinks. He googles. His google is broken. He searches for “Wesley Gibson.” Nothing comes up. I search for “Wesley Gibson,” and I get a
myspace page where the person has a profile picture of a wet scrawny dog I’d
like to kick over a roof. I want to call
up this little boy and tell him his google is broken. Fix your google and maybe Angelina Jolie will
fuck you.

This
little boy bought an Ikea fuck counter. Not the kind that tracks the number of times you have sex. No, it is the place where his little
girlfriend Annabel has sex with his best friend. It is a kitchen counter they have sex
on. I once had a cat name Annabel. It was afraid of the dog downstairs and it
pooped in my room. Pop goes the carpet.

The
little boy rents a movie, Mr. and Mrs.
Smith. He wants to see Brad Pitt
make toast. He wants to see Angelina
Jolie’s toaster. He hopes Brad likes
toast. Jennifer Aniston tells him when
he leaves the house, “Don’t you fucking dare try and make toast. If I smell toast on you then I’m going to
make toast with Vince Vaughn, and that Mayer boy, and Ben Affleck, and Ben
Stiller, and…”

The
little boy brings the movie home. “Please let me see her toaster,” he thinks. When he gets home he sees the movie is rated
PG-13. He is disappointed. He doesn’t watch the movie and instead checks
to see if his google is fixed. It
isn’t. He wonders if his father who
disappeared when he was seven days old has somehow turned on the safe search.

He gets
hungry. He goes across the street to the
store. He can’t decide on whether or not
to get yogurt. This scene gets cut from
the movie. I made it up. Yogurt contemplation isn’t anything people
want to see. He gets pills instead. The movie audience likes pills. “Eat them all,” we say. Become an addict so we can feel better about
ourselves.

This is
the grocery store that Angelina Jolie shops at. She left her African babies in the car. We never find out if they die. We
don’t find out if she looks at the magazines with her on the cover. The little boy looks at them. He sees one that says Angelina left her
African babies in the car while she shopped. “She would never do that,” he thinks.

Angelina
walks up behind him, “You’re the greatest assassin in the world besides your
father, but he’s dead so I guess you’re the best. I knew him, you know. Before he died. Did I mention that he died last week? Oh, I don’t think I did. I should probably let you know. Also, there’s another assassin whose just as
good as you and he wants to kill you. He’s right over there looking at the canned vegetables.”

Angelina
shoots an old man holding a can of corn. It falls to the ground. The
little boy shits himself and mumbles, “My google is broken.” She kisses him even though he’s a mess, but
she doesn’t show him her toaster. She
never shows her toaster, not even to Brad.

I wore my batman shirt. It had a pizza grease stain on it, but before
I could run to the bathroom the lights dimmed and opening credits were
rolling. At first, for a brief second I
thought they got Phil Donahue on camera without a shirt on and with his chest
painted green, but then I realized Phil Donahue has no rage in his life. He tells his neighbors, “I just got back from
vacation. Would you like to see my
photos?” None of them do, but how can
you say no to Phil Donahue. He gets out
his big studio mic if you say no and says, “What was that? I didn’t quite here you.” “Okay Phil,” you say, “Show me your pictures,
but make it quick I have to mow the lawn.”

No, this thing onscreen was
something else. It really is a green beast,
but it is no monster. When it was young
living in Radiation, Oklahoma it wanted to be a western cowboy movie star. You could see it in his eyes. It yearned to be something more than just a little
deaf boy named Louis, but that’s all anyone ever told him he could be. “You can’t hear Louis. You don’t even know what I’m saying. How can you be anything more than a little
deaf boy?” But Louis did know what they
were saying. So Louis stayed in his room
most of his childhood and screamed until he turned green. Some have suspected that maybe Anne Sullivan,
Helen Keller’s teacher, was hired at one point, but no one can be sure. It seems unlikely. He was a green baby. His family was poor. She did not work with green babies. Besides, she died in 1936.

In kindergarten he got hearing aids
and on the second day he threw a few kids on the roof and kicked a few into the
side of a bus after they laughed at his “I want to be a cowboy when I grow up”
essay and made fun of the way he spoke. Many legal problems resulted. Laws were passed restricting green children
from attending public school. He spent
the rest of his youth tending to the family donkey.

Then when Louis was seventeen he
ran away and for a while his family just assumed he was asleep in the barn and had
his hearing aids out, but he was on his way to Hollywood where he intended to
be a cowboy. When he got there all the
cowboy jobs were filled so he boarded a boat and became a sailor. He was a very adequate sailor at that and before
long Stanford was offering him a scholarship to row for the crew team. He didn’t know what they were saying, but
signed the papers because they were in front of him. And at that they stuck him on a tiny little
boat. It didn’t take very long before he
broke the oars. The Stanford Crew team
lost the championship. They didn’t
invite him to the end of the year banquet. He didn’t get to eat cake. They
kicked him out of school because he lost his scholarship. There were still no cowboy jobs. He began to drink and smoke. He smoked so much he started to look grey
when he got mad. He stopped eating his
vegetables. His brother called. The jolly one. The one that is always hanging out with those
elves that make cookies. The one that
has been rumored to molest little boys. He didn’t want to talk to his brother. He didn’t need a pep talk from him. The jolly one left a message, but Louis didn’t call back. Instead, he regretted his past. “I should have never gone to college,” he
thought. He wanted to be a western cowboy. They should have given him a horse. He didn’t belong in a boat. He falls asleep regretting his entire life. In the night a dog barks. It wakes him up. He thinks it’s his alarm. He hits the clock and it breaks.

Before I get into the talk of whether M. Night is the best director
going right now I'd like to comment on a few things that I wrote down
in the first ten minutes of the movie. They were:
1. I hate clouds
2. Will's dog
3. David?
4. It's the trees.

1.
Alright, I don't know if I actually hate clouds or not, but the opening
credits were all done with this footage of a cloudy sky going from day
to night. It reminded me of a screensaver or some made for tv movie
which is kind of what M. Night makes. I'm not knocking it, but the
dude just uses techniques you see pop up in movies on lifetime.

2. So, the first thing you see in this movie is a crowded park
scene with joggers and walkers. One of them is running with a beagle.
My roommate, who I saw the movie with, leaned over and said, "Will's
dog?" when this extra with the dog ran across the screen. He was
talking about his friend Will who just got a dog. The dog doesn't have
a name other than Willow, but he'd rather name it something else only
he hasn't decided what. I actually met Will's dog hours before the
movie.

3. In the previews you see bodies falling off the roof. It's a
construction site. The second body to fall is named David. After the
crewmen on the ground finish laughing at the joke about a guy with the
name "Wendy" tattooed on his dick and a guy with "Welcome to Jamaica
have a nice stay" the first body falls. The workers all run over and
are like, "Oh shit that's Bill." Then the second body falls and
they're like, "David? David fell too." Then they look up and everyone
is falling.

4. Sometime in the next couple minutes there is a shot of some rustling trees. That's why I think they did it.

Anyway,
as for the movie overall, it was a laugh fest. Really, I'm being
serious. M. Night has almost perfected the genre of "Is he serious,
he's making a joke right, he can't be serious, I think he really is
trying to be serious, oh that's funny he doesn't know that we don't
think he is serious" movies.
If this movie was made ten years ago with a limited budget by an
unknown director it would be a cult favorite in the same way Ed Wood
has become a cult hero.

EDY: welcome to
the review of the foot fist way (the following is a conversationg between everyday yeah, his roommate, and Mr. Thieves Jargon)

Thieves: Do you think this review will make enemies
for you the same way the review for that nosebleed book will?

EDY:only if chuck
the truck has a blog

Thieves: Maybe Julio has a blog.

Thieves: If "rinky-dink" was your word of
the day for yesterday, what would be your word of the day for today?

EDY: ezsleepmatresses.com

aaron.fix: ez sound proofing

EDY: ezsoundproof.com

aaron.fix: If you only see one movie in 2008, make it
The Foot Fist Way

Thieves: What was the main character's name again?
Frank something?

EDY: if you only
see one movie see batman

mr. simmons

aaron.fix: Yea Fred Simmons according to google

Thieves: What do you think Fred Simmons' parents
were like?

aaron.fix: A lot like him

EDY: mom has a
mustache

dad pisses on mother's wedding ring

Thieves: Did he have any siblings you reckon?

aaron.fix: Older brothers that picked on him for sure

Maybe even sisters that beat him up

Thieves: Older brothers make sense, because they
would have got him into Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee movies.

EDY: all i know is
that i don't think i've ever had anything like that happen to me

Thieves: Anything like what?

EDY: that movie

even if i owned a dojo and wasn't an
only child

aaron.fix: Why do you think his whore wife was
carrying Xeroxes of her ass and boobs in a manila folder?

Thieves: Meeeeemories.

aaron.fix: SPOILER ALERT

Thieves: Or maybe her pesky office workers were
playing a practical joke on her.

EDY: i don't think
i know of any other places

maybe in the refrigerator

Thieves: The tell-off at the end might have been the
best tell-off I've seen since Clark Griswold drank all the eggnog in Christmas vacation.

I'd like to see a transcript of it, because
half of it was missed because of all the laughter in the audience.

aaron.fix: truth

EDY: interesting
fact about danny mcbride, the man who played mr simmons. he was in superbad. he
was a standin at the party at 5th and paysview

Thieves: And the director was his creepy blonde
friend, right?

aaron.fix: How the hell am I supposed to remember who
he was in that movie?

EDY: well not in
superbad, but yeah in the foot fist way

aaron.fix: ok

In the preview there is a song by
Andrew W.K.

why do you think it wasn't in the movie?

EDY: previews in
2008 are better than the actual movies in most cases

if i was a big name director i
wouldn't make full lengths anymore

Thieves: I think
Andrew WK's brother played Chuck the Truck, I detect a strong familial
resemblance.

Where's the market for short-lengths, aside
from midget porn?

EDY: i'd just make
previews of movies that didn't exist

grindhouse had the right idea

aaron.fix: you could review movies that don't exist

EDY: you could
call them iphone movies

Thieves: My research has led me to believe that TKD
is actually the shittiest of all martial arts except for capoeira.

In terms of street fighting
effectiveness.

aaron.fix: truth

EDY: you know how
in the movie when the guy hits the old woman in the face and then kicks her in
the gut?

aaron.fix: all the guys at my Jiu Jitsu place made fun
of it

SPOILER ALERT

Thieves: He kicked her in the gut? I thought it was
a well-placed boot to the face.

EDY: this lady,
we'll call her kobe, seemed pretty knowledgable in TKD and probably would still
get raped 9 times out of 10 if the ally was somewhere in the NBA finals on ABC
in HD

how is that a spoiler alert

they show it in the preview

lets do all kinds of spoiler alerts

Thieves: Did this movie take place in Texas or New
Hampshire?

SPOILER ALERT

EDY: do not go see
this movie if you are a fan of strong marriages that endure all kinds of bumps
in the road anywhere from handjobs to your boss to having sex with a truck man

i don't know what i said there

aaron.fix: I don't know where the movie took place but
it looked like a really shitty place SPOILER ALERT

EDY: i think i'm
still emotionally distraught from losing by eleven points in basketball a half
hour ago

aaron.fix: SPOILER ALERT

you weren't really trying hard though

I guess neither was I

EDY: i'm not very
good when the court is wet

aaron.fix: that's weakness

Thieves: Do you think wet workout mats would stop
Frank Simmons from putting on a bitchin' demo?

aaron.fix: Fred Simmons would punch Mark Baumer in the
face and tell him to do better

EDY: yeah, i mean
he couldn't even break a simple board when julio kind of held the wood a little
wobbly

aaron.fix: we all know that was Julio's fault

Q: wouldn't that movie have been perfect for
the song "Me and Julio down by the school yard" by Paul Simon?

A: yes but the royalties would have
cost more than the entire movie's budget

EDY: sorry

aaron.fix: Henry before the party or after?

before, Julio wipes the floor with his face

Thieves: SPOILER ALERT

EDY: what's
stewing over there mr. digangi?

Thieves: I'm stewing in questions.

For instance, what if the blonde
weirdo from Sexual Warrior, also a 5th degree black belt, fought Chuck the
Truck, what would that have been like?

aaron.fix: I think that would have ended in kissing

EDY: i would like
to see a movie of just chuck the truck

aaron.fix: http://www.chuckthetruck.com/

Thieves: Link 11 is called "Cab Assy"

aaron.fix: and her
"work papers"

Thieves: In my book
publicity class the other day, the professor said that reviews should not be
summaries, but instead, evaluative, essays if you will.

SPOILER ALERT

Which means this movie should be
evaluated amongst its peers.

Karate Kid, Kung Fu Hustle, and Napoleon
Dynamite.

aaron.fix: Star Wars

EDY: I like star
wars more

aaron.fix: SATC (Sex and
the City)

Thieves: What is SATC?

EDY: i actually think it goes kung fu hustle.
then napoleon dynamite

and then karate kid

aaron.fix: Mark you have
seen both movies. In your opinion, who is the bigger whore, the wife in The
Foot Fist Way or every single chick in Sex And The City

EDY: i'm just basing it on the previews for thse
movies

ive never seen a preview for karate kid

aaron.fix: and as a corollary to this line of
questioning, how many HJ's occur in the SATC movie?

EDY: i mean its
tough because both are not hiding that they are whores

its a class thing

Thieves: Whores come in all classes.

aaron.fix: but do they
give HJ's in all classes?

Thieves: Do you think
those were the actresses actual breasts in the manilla folder?

aaron.fix: that's a
puzzler

EDY:: no HJs, but
i do know that on the TV show once one of the chicks wouldn't sleep with a guy
but gave him a HJ

that's a good prank

Thieves: I thought
HJ's sort of stopped sometime shortly after college. More an age thing opposed
to a class thing.

EDY: that guy must
have been the worst

Thieves: But I've
never dated a high class girl, so I can't say for sure.

aaron.fix: My guess is
that they actually give HJ's longer than lower class girls

they prudes anyways

Thieves: How many
people in the theater last night got HJ's in the middle of the movie?

EDY: yes those were her actual boobs

no doubt i my mind

those sketch comics before the show surely
gave each other HJ afterwards

Thieves: That was my
bext line of thought.

aaron.fix: It would have been better if they did that
in front of us

instead of the sketch comedy

Thieves: The
sketch-comedy troupe (SPOILER ALERT) seemed to be a big HJ crew.

Bunch of HJ artsts.

aaron.fix: you know what
really made the evening though was the music playing in the theatre before the
HJ/Sketch comedy group

really good stuff

EDY: if i was
doing publicity for the fist foot way i would just hand out photocopies of
boobs

nothing written on pages

just boobs photocopied, that's it

Please help promote Foot Fist Way by printing out these photocopied breasts and passing them out in the street.

Thieves: When you post the review of this movie,
that should be your feature picture.

Not the actual movie poster.

aaron.fix: but where do
you get those boobs?

the girls upstairs?

Thieves: Do you have some filthy neighbors?

EDY: target="_blank">

that is them at work

Thieves: I'm reluctant
to watch that video at work.

aaron.fix: that's the right decision

Thieves: I don't have
a privacy screen.

But speaking of work, I should probably go do
some.

We should wrap up this review with a ranking
system.

EDY: i give this movie a toe

Okay, so this video is kind of lame. It's pretty corny. Oh well. One take and we threw it on the internet. The Strangers is seriously a very scary movie.  And also, don't let this picture tell you anything.  To me this picture kind of looks comical.  It wasn't in anyway.  Still i can't help but laugh at this picture.  Why is the guy wearing a giant baseball cover on his head?

This is a good movie. I wish I was this kid when I was growing up. I like Rambo movies. Do you? Here are my favorite Rambo movies in order:

Rambo

Part III

First Blood

First Blood pt 2

Here is the rest of my review:

Baby Mama was a pretty good movie. It has Tina Fey. Even though women aren't really funny sometimes you will find yourself laughing. Maybe she is really a man or maybe she has a really funny neighbor and is good at doing an impression of him. Anyway, as good as Baby Mama was it could still stand to have included a few more scenes like the ones below:

Okay, so in my search for drama I came across this video. I'm sorry to anyone who actually watches it. I don't know why they had to go and ruin youtube like that. I'm not sure if I can ever go back.

Note: this review was inspired by Kurt Vonnegut’s Breakfast of Champions or more
specifically, Kilgore Trout’s Now it Can
Be Told.

This movie is about the robots that made Walter care. Walter is human who works at college. He doesn’t really do anything. Then two immigrant robots move into his house
and things happen and Walter begins to care. Unlike Dwayne Hoover Walter doesn’t try and kill all the robots in the
world around him. Maybe he doesn’t know
they’re robots. Maybe he would try and
destroy them all, like Dwayne Hoover did, if he found out he was the only
living person and everyone else in the world was a robot designed to get a
reaction out of him. Instead of
destroying all these robots he plays a drum. One of the illegal immigrant robots taught him to play the drum. Most robots are bad teachers. Walter had one robot piano teacher that only
wanted to buy his piano so he could eat it. Walter isn’t a very good teacher either. There was a very small scene in the movie that was kind of funny.

A robot student tried to turn in his paper late. This robot is very lazy and probably spent
the weekend drinking robot alcohol. Maybe he didn’t. This robot said
he had to go to a funeral or something. Maybe this is true. I now realize
this story isn’t very funny. I will stop
telling it.

In the end, the robot that teaches Walter to play drums gets
sent back to the factory he came from so it can be disassembled.

Walter keeps playing the drum.

Flawless is a movie starring Demi Moore. It's about Diamonds. I went to see it with my friend Duygu Tigli. She is from Turkey. The video below is Duygu's review.  There is a part where the audio is a little shotty and you can't hear what Duygu is saying.  I think she is suggesting that because the movie is a little boring it's a good idea to bring a snack to eat.

this is stupid, i love
you is a publication put together by Brandon Scott Gorrell and Chelsea
Martin. I have never met either of these
people in person. One day I hope to
crash their wedding and say, “Hello, I am from the future. I am your child.” They will probably say, “How did we make you?” I will begin to tell them how sex works and
they will stop and say, “No, how did we make such an odd person? How did we make a creature that looks like an
unkempt Jeff Bridges hatched from an ostrich egg?” I will not have an answer for them. Instead, I will admit the truth and steal
some cake. Maybe I will eat it there and
they won’t bother me or maybe I will run and they will chase me. The story ends happily ever after. I don’t believe we were at that point yet
though. I wanted to talk about their
wedding night and how everyone threw Oreos at them as they rode off on their little
motorbike. Maybe it would just be me who throws Oreos. Anyway, when they
finally reach that spot of romantic togetherness I hope to jump out of the
closet again and say, “I am someone’s child, but I am not from the future.”

I will also give them their wedding present at this
point. A copy of a publication called this is fun, let’s eat cake.

Here are a few glimpses at what TIFLEC will have to offer
the reader.

Songs of songs of songs found rewritten the sun rose:

Happy sunrise on your head…Wishes for enjoyable wagon rides in the park even if it rains or birds shit all
over the sidewalk…I’m on your brain while creepy airplanes bring you to worlds
with different kinds of ant hills…subtracting one out of the bundle of numbers I
gathered from a calendar store the day you left…letting my inkstained fingers
play piano on some old college ruled pages from my institution days…there’s a
seat in the old café where you used to pray on the last day of the week…sometimes
I put it in the microwave so it doesn’t get cold and the owner of the café tells
me not to do it again…when you return I will say, “Hello, it is so nice to meet
you again. It is a pleasant day. What is your name? I have forgotten….” And you can make up
stories about how nice it was where you went and how you made thousands of
friends…my head makes good medicine...It smiles that you are on creepy airplane
coming home…

Letters to first grade teachers:

Hello, you are probably old and don’t remember teaching me
the alphabet. You are the first person I
called, “Mother” who wasn’t my mother. I
accidentally called you “Mother” one day when we were gluing construction paper
shapes on top of one another. No one
except you noticed. I still started
crying. You took me in the corner and
wiped away me tears and licked your fingers. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. It doesn’t seem that wrong to me now…

Ode to my toothbrush

I keep you in my back pocket most of the day. When I’m nervous I put you in my mouth and
chew on the plastic and the bristles. I’m
not better than a little cookie that ran away from home and ate the treasure
map of a mediocre pirate and then got eaten by the mediocre pirate’s bald parrot…

The end

I have yet to read this
is stupid, i love you. You can order
it here. I will have a full review when
I get my copy.
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I was
inspired by Run Fat Boy Run. It made me want to run a marathon. In fact, that’s what I intended to do the
next morning. I woke up at sunrise and
did some naked yawning. Then I put on
some sweatpants and my best footwear. Unfortunately, my best pair of shoes happened to be a pair of
loafers. I didn’t have any sneakers that
still fit me. That is a lie. I had a pair of old sneakers I used to use
when mowing the lawn, but I don’t think it really mattered what I wore. From the start this quest was drawn with bad
idea pens and colored in with failure markers.

The
first block I was on a good pace. I
think it calculated out to eight minute miles. By the third block cramps ate my body and it was all I could do not to
throw myself into oncoming traffic. A
nice man with a shopping cart full of empty cans agreed to wheel me home as
long as I let him have all my recyclables.

The
worst was when I took off my socks though.

As for
the movie Run Fat Bo, Run, I liked Shawn of the Dead and Hot Fuzz better.

I don’t know a lot. So it doesn’t surprise me that I don’t know who Ryan Seacrest is. I don’t know who Dave Housley is either, but
this seems a little more acceptable because no one’s ever told me Dave Housley
is famous. I do know who Phil Housley
is. My dad said he once saw Phil Housley
at the grocery store buying cereal. My
dad watched him picked up a box of Shredded Wheat. Our family’s been eating it ever since. I don’t really like Phil Housley as a result. I would have much rather my dad had seen
Chris Chelios buying cereal. I bet he
eats Frosted Flakes.

As for Dave Housley I bet he eats Cheerios in the morning.

And then he goes over to this Ryan Seacrest’s house and mows
his lawn. While mowing his lawn Dave
sees Ryan Seacrest eat something stupid like waffles. Some days he’ll come out on the front porch
and say, “Hey Dave, great job. Keep it
up buddy.” Whenever this happens Dave
stops what he is doing and goes out back to piss in Ryan Seacrest’s pool.

Other times he goes into Ryan Seacrest’s woodshed and writes
little poems. These poems or short
stories have been collected into a book. I bet you don’t even need me to tell you the title of this book. I bet you already know what it is.

Snow Angels stars
Sam Rockwell, Kate Beckinsale and Michael Angarano. Things happen to all of them. Things involving guns happen to only two of
them. Sam used to be Kate’s
husband. Michael meets a girl and gives her a pencil. Sam and Kate had a kid. Then they didn't. Something happened to it. If they kept it on a leash then maybe things would have been different, but it was a child not a puppy. Kate was sleeping with Amy Sedaris’ husband
which I thought was Will Arnett, but I was confused and got Amy Sedaris mixed
up with Amy Poehler. Besides Amy Sedaris
name was Barb in the movie so even if she was married to Will Arnett in real
life she probably wouldn’t be married to him in this movie. In this movie her husband is this guy named
Nate. Nate has a mustache...

Here's an interview with the director (beware of the black man's theme song for Snow Angels at the end of the video. It's very bad and embarrassing):

This isn’t actually a review of CJ7. I was on my way to go
review this movie when my roommate challenged me to a basketball game. Unfortunately, I live in a house where anytime
someone challenges someone else the rule is that the challenged person has to
stop everything they’re doing and accept that challenge. If you don’t accept a challenge the other
person basically holds claim to your manhood until you win it back which doesn’t
sound that bad except that the only way to win back one’s manhood is by either
not going to sleep for a week (168 hours), jumping off the roof of a five story
building, or cooking a week’s worth of meals for the one who holds your manhood
(each meal is up to them to decide).

So, it was off to the basketball courts instead of seeing a
movie I was actually look quite forward to seeing. I’ve been waiting for this movie ever since I
saw Shaolin Soccer, but it was not
meant to be.

In the end I won the basketball game and was happy we
played. It felt good to run around and
keep a firm grasp of my manhood. I think
the score was something like 87-75.

And don’t worry; I plan to get my roommate back for making
me miss this game. Next time he has a
big test I will challenge him to a basketball game and surely take control of
his manhood.