aphorisms

"A sixth finger is like having a butt that plays 8-tracks."

"Rumblefish only swim during earthquakes."

"Never judge a book by the number of sinks it knows"

-Mark Baumer

"There are two lessons one must learn in life-respect all that you come in contact with-and don't hang out with Robert Downey Jr. too much"

-Zach Forsberg-Lary

Sometimes a man forgets where he puts his hat. The clouds laugh and in blows a storm.

-Mark Baumer

Not even a 1000 elks in a room full of computers could make a blog

-Mark Baumer

"If someone gives you two muffins as a present perhaps you should eat them and poop them out later like a good boy and not try to make them into earmuffs..."

-Mark Baumer

"A man can never hide from himself..."

-Zach Forsberg-Lary

"...but I believe ostriches can and perphaps so can elephants."

-Mark Baumer

Yesterday's aphorism about the rock, paper, scissors was stupid and made no sense. -Mark Baumer

Never trust a man who has a tattoo on his forehead that reads, "I only play rock," but who likes to play scissors when he is drunk. -Mark Baumer

A pot of boiled watches will never tell time, not even once a day.
-Alex Butzbach

Connoisseurs of zebra meat or those with curious tastes are advised to get their fill in the coming days because scientists believe that the striped being, due to their evolution path, is susceptible to bouts of lunacy where they believe they can fly. -Mark Baumer

A group of people with Parkinson's who are walking down the street together looks a little bit like a game of electric football.
-Terrance Doyle

I once had a professor that said Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn were gay and that Mark Twain was vital in bringing prostitution to America during his days as a riverboat captain on the Mississippi. The professor later told me in private that there is no good explanation to why owls hoot at night. -Mark Baumer

To be socially proficient, one must have the ability to decode three languages: non-verbal gestures, facial expressions, and Pig Latin.
-Alex Butzbach

Not even a 100 whales can replace the loss of a dead child which makes me wonder why they are fighting our wars -Mark Baumer

If confronted by a police officer who asks if you were at a certain place at a certain time, always tell him that you weren’t... especially if you were. -Zach Forsberg-Lary

To mistake a mutant for a cyborg is to deny oneself the benefits of technology.
-Alex Butzbach

Never smoke a cigar while swimming the backstroke. It might get wet. -Zach Forsberg-Lary

Don't eat pears. I think they are the worst fruit. -Mark Baumer

A single man can easily make dinner for one, but often has to worry that cookies and ice cream don’t give him sexy thighs. The male thigh is one of culture’s most undervalued subjects of beauty. -Mark Baumer

Sometimes white people feel uncomfortable while talking to people of color. Not because white people are racists, but because they’re afraid of appearing racist. - Zach Forsberg-Lary

Even if guilty, a criminal's greatest asset is his or her innocence. Once jaded by a life of crime, one is a criminal no more.
-Alex Butzbach

Trains are like prairie dogs: they move quickly and prefer tunnels.
-Alex Butzbach

If you ever wake up and realize you’ve somehow become a successful and attractive millionaire while you were asleep, never fall asleep again, just in case. -Zach Forsberg-Lary

Just as one should not attempt to write sonnets until they are as good as Byron's, one should never attempt to make war until one's wars are as good as Stalin's. That guy was fucking brutal.
-Alex butzbach

If you’re ever watching a race between a snail and a turtle, try not to predict who will win. Instead ask yourself who organized the race, where you heard about it, and why you’re watching it.
-Zach Forsberg Lary

One must try and eat [all the pages in] a book before they can honestly claim they don’t like reading. [note: the same can be said for poetry, one must try and eat at least one anthology in their lifetime before they cry foul on the subject of poetry] -Mark Baumer