10,000 games

I went swimming in my girlfriend's grandfather's pool on Sunday. People got wet in different positions and at various locations in time. I was the first to get wet. Eight additional points were awarded to my self-esteem. Pool activities ranged from floating to sinking to breathing underwater by exhaling out your mouth and in through the nose to choking on pool water to coughing. Eventually, I was the only one left in the pool. I floated a little. Then I sank. I was bored. Fans were leaving the stadium. Many complained to the ushers and wondered if they could get a refund. I felt bad for the hardworking fathers who had brought their sons to the game and now their sons were bored and wanted to go home to play videogames. I was a failure. My teammates and opponents were lying together on deckchairs, sunning and dozing. The sport of afternoon swimming at my girlfriend's grandfather's pool was on its last leg. I climbed the waterslide. When I got to the top I acknowledged the fans still watching. Some booed. I didn't care. My girlfriend's grandfather booed the loudest. He said, "You look good, but you could lose some weight in your trunk area." I thanked the old man and slid down the slide. At the bottom I fell in the pool. I was thankful the slide worked correctly. The grandfather was still throwing around racial epithets and cussing. I said, "Don't get all bent out of shape because a little water got out of the pool." He said, "My wife is dead. I miss her very much." I swam to the other end of the pool and got out. Most of the stadium was empty. A few stragglers pointed to the sky. An eagle was circling. Someone on a deck chair said, "Have you seen that video of the eagle eating a mountain goat." I had not at the time. I had only seen the video of the octopus eating the shark. I ran back to the slide. I conquered it. I fell in the pool again. Minor victories were achieved and I didn't drown. I climbed out of the pool again and ran back to the slide. I conquered it again. I continued to conquer it. I would end up conquering it 43 times. Later, standing at my locker with a towel I was asked to comment on my victory, but all I could think of was my girlfriend's grandfather, half deaf, chewing on his tongue, upset because his grandson went in his closet and stole a shirt.

The idea of this game is to get your local deli to give you
that high quality cougar meat. They’ve
got it packed away somewhere, but they always keep it for themselves.

The following approach usually doesn’t work unless there is
a new employee working:

“Do you have any of that cougar meat?”

Sometimes I wear a trucker’s hat and pretend I’m the
delivery man. That only worked
once. It usually fails because I don’t
have the delivery shirt and I never have anything to deliver.

If they give you the cougar meat then you get a point. If they don’t get the cougar meat you don’t
get any points.

One time I knocked off all the packaged bologna from the
shelves and while the deli-man picked it up I rifled through the hidden meats. I did not find the cougar meat though. I only found a ham sandwich before the
deli-man returned and told me to get out of his lunch box. I stole his apple and ran home like the
little piggy that went to market, weee weee weee weeeeeeee.

10,000 days is the name of a music album by the band Tool. When they released the album they didn’t have the listener’s pleasure in mind. No, they were more concerned with posing a riddle to their fans. The riddle was basic, “What would happen if listened to this album every day for 10,000 days.

As of today, January 23^rd 2008, 631 days have passed since the official release of 10,000 days.

Only two people have been up to the test since the day the album was released. The first person is named Rory O’Clark. He lives in Edmonton, but has never seen Tool live. He does have a blog devoted to each member of the band. The other person who’s heard the album every day, and is also the reason Rory O’Clark has never seen Tool live, is Rory’s mother who’s been in a coma for fifteen years since Rory was seventeen. At first he had kept his mother in a government run medical facility, but then found out he could get $7,000 from Canada each year by taking care of his mother himself. Rory barely scrapes by each year. He has no other jobs.

Neither Rory nor his mother know of the riddle Tool posed by the releasing this album. There just isn’t much else to listen to in the house and Rory can’t afford to buy anything new. He does plan to buy the new Tool album whenever it is released. He’s already begun saving up.

One other person made it to 630 consecutive days listening to the album, but they died yesterday of pneumonia.

[Note: One other band (Saga) tried the same thing and posed the same riddle to their fans, but no one listened to the album for than a week.]

game created by Mark Baumer

Parcheesi is the game of Indian kings. Loaners in worn leather coats offer their services and the weak pawns have no choice but to sublet their territory to these lone gunmen. At first, this practice was frowned upon, but the richest kings didn’t care and soon the whole board was a mix of men who considered themselves the last hired gun of the frontier.

This general South Asian board game eventually evolved into a game of battles between bounty hunters and the game became known as the board of vigilantes.

The games violent nature has attracted many followers. It’s grown to the point where some Indians believe that it has replaced cricket and field hockey as the official game in India.

Spokespersons from both sports commented on the growth of this new sport.

Dhyan Chand Jr., son of the captain for the 1936 Olympic team, and assistant vice president of the Indian Field Hockey Association (IFHO), had the following to say, “There really is no need to comment as such humorous notions. Field Hockey, played by the strongest males in the country, has thrived for many years and that will never change.”

Sharadchandra Govind Rao Pawar, president of Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI), said the following, “I am scared. Those players with pistols are crazy. I heard they never change out of uniform.”

game created by Mark Baumer

Do not be alarmed. No muffins should ever be harmed while playing this game. It is important to note that muffins are technically not considered hurt if they are being consumed by a human or any other mammal besides the bald eagle or lake trout. A friend of mine has argued with me on numerous occasions that neither the bald eagle nor the lake trout is a mammal. I fail to see their point.

So, I was eating a coffee cake muffin and knocking medium sized stones on the top of tall office buildings when one of the tall buildings’ security guards asked what I was doing.

“Well,” I explained, “I am a professional muffin tennis competitor.”

“What’s that?”

“A sport.”

“Never heard of it.”

“Our association hopes to get it in the Olympic Games by year 2017.”

“Well, as long as your training.”

The security guard left and I scored three more points before I finished eating the muffin.

game created by Mark Baumer

The first person to eat a soggy cookie was Melvin Foote. He had accidentally dropped his cookie in a stream he was stepping over during an afternoon nature walk. The cookie was in the water for all of 1.7 seconds. This cataclysmic event took place on July 11^th 1973. The next day his brother, Barry Foote, copied him by dropping a cookie in a bucket of water. He had been jealous of his brother’s popularity after the initial soggy cookie afternoon. Barry claims the cookie was in the water for 2.1 seconds. There were no witnesses. Barry’s actions infuriated his brother Melvin. An argument broke out.

“You know damn well I ate the soggier cookie,” said Melvin.

“I don’t know brother. I believe my cookie was the soggiest,” said Barry.

Thus, one of greatest sibling rivalries in the history of competitive gaming was sparked. By the time they were eating cookies that had been submerged for upwards of twenty minutes they had graduated to milk for taste purposes.

Within a couple of years they were leaving their cookies in the milk overnight. And every time one brother would outdo his counterpart the other brother would be quick to better him. By now they weren’t speaking to each other. They would just scratch their times into the family oak in the front yard.

Then the day came when Melvin ate the cookie that was seven days soggy. He died. The milk spoiled. This made Barry mad as hell.

“If he thinks he’s won just because he’s dead…”

Eight days later Barry was dead too.

[End Notes: Guinness Book of World Records got involved at some point, but not before the two brothers died which is unfortunate because the game has never been the same since their passing. None of the present day competitors use milk.]

game created by Mark Baumer

In the mid-nineties three guys walked into a pizza shop with no intention of buying a pizza. They each carried a head of lettuce. There was a man in his mid-thirties playing Mrs. Pacman. He was on the third level with two lives left. He felt pretty good about himself. He never even saw the three men coming.

Each of the three men took four running steps and then let their lettuce heads fly. The first one broke the screen on the video game. The second throw glanced off the top of the man’s head. He was startled and turned around just in time to see that the third lettuce ball was about to hit him squarely in the head.

The three men hi-fived one another and slapped each other’s asses. Then they left as they tried to decide where to go get a victory beverage.

Since this initial lettuce ball attack there have been a number of attempts to duplicate the three men’s efforts. The three men’s identities remain unknown, but their legend has grown. One copycat is known as the lettuce burger terrorist. He runs into random fast food establishments and throws lettuce balls at the employees. Another is known for throwing heads of lettuce at the caged animals at the Jackson, Kansas zoo. One person was even successful in attempt to hit the daughter of the French ambassador to the United States.

Because of the growing popularity surrounding this game a set of standardized rules are in the process of being drafted. There is no word yet what all the regulations will be, but many are worried that these new rules will take away from the purity of the sport.

game created by Mark Baumer

This game is based completely in theory because I’ve yet to ever find a mouse that has three heads. I guess it would be more logical for a mouse to have a mechanical tail. Anyway, the premise of this game is more of an experiment than anything. Similar to the experiments where a mouse would be given two choices and shocked when it chose one of the two options and not shocked when it chose the other this experiment would shock the mouse when it tried eating using its middle head. What is even more fascinating is that the shocks would come from its own mechanical tail. Now the question is how long will it be before the middle head isn’t allowed to eat and at what point would this upset the center head? Also, what is more likely, the possibility of the other two heads gnawing off the middle head or the three heads working as one to rid themselves of the mechanical tail? A player is rewarded one point for finding a mouse with three heads and another point for attaching a mechanical tail. A third point and subsequent victory is awarded the player if they set up the experiment described above. There have been no winners or attempts to play this game as far as we know. game created by Mark Baumer

Here is an example of why three heads would never work:

Spitting on a pigeon is much more difficult than the average person would guess. First off, a pigeon doesn’t like to be spit on (I doubt anything besides a seal enjoys such behavior). Secondly, it can be quite painful for a pigeon to be spit on.
Things that can happen when a pigeon is spit on:

1. They vomit popcorn even if they haven’t eaten popcorn.
2. They forget how to fly.
3. They become invisible and everything around them appears invisible to them. Basically, they end up in a world of nothing where they don’t even exist because they are invisible.
4. A hawk eats them.

A player gets one point for spitting on a pigeon and one point for each separate reaction by the pigeon. For example if you spit on a pigeon and it vomits popcorn and then gets eaten by a hawk then the player is rewarded three points.
A man in the Netherlands is said to have the only known spit in the world which results in a five point player. Though some question how he really knows whether the pigeon turns invisible after its eaten by the pigeon.

This game is very simple. It consists of browsing the local garment and underwear drawers in your neighborhood. Unlike many games where stealth and secrecy are rewarded this game suggests and recommends that players are found in the midst of their transgressions. In fact, players lose points for sneaking into homes when no one is home or where there is little chance to get caught.

Players are rewarded with a single point for meeting each of the following five criteria:

1. Breaking into a house when someone is home.
2. Stealing the underwear and panties of a woman older than sixty.
3. Getting high before the indiscretion.
4. Admitting your wrongdoing on the local TV news.
5. Admitting to TV cameras that you were high (or “stoned stupid”) while stealing the underwear, but refusing to confess to the crime of the panty theft (“I don’t know nothing about no panties”).

Bonus points are rewarded:

1. If your bail is $20,000 or higher.
2. If the misdeed took place within five days of Christmas.
3. If you have a child three years old or younger.

Unfortunately, though it is possible for a person to reach the high score of eight points, they will only be matching the work of Charles Michael Clark. Let us cheer Mr. Michael Clark. He is the greatest champion this game has ever known.

game created by Mark Baumer

A person easily passes hundreds of thousands of cigarette butts in their lifetime. Imagine if a person decided to collect even a quarter of these strewn half tobacco sticks. It would fill a couple garbage sacks. The collector would also probably have dirty fingers if they didn’t use gloves. The lifetime cigarette butt game calls for gloved participants to collect every cigarette butt they come across between the ages of thirty to fifty-three. At age fifty-three the participant, still wearing gloves, must construct a piece of art using their findings. The artwork must be finished by age sixty. Upon the artwork’s completion the collector/artist must then kill themselves. The winner of this game is the deceased artist whose cigarette butt artwork sells for the most money. The current champion is obviously from New York and his artwork, which sold for over three million, resembles a giant hornet’s nest. It is called, “the fisherman’s booty.” The previous champion was an anonymous artists whose work was called “Picasso’s Cereal Dish.” game created by Mark Baumer

If you find an old run down bus in the woods and have been in the midst of midlife crisis worrying about what kind of legacy you’re going to leave behind then it’s safe to say that you may be in need of a five-to-seven year break from whatever you’re doing to begin on your life’s work. The first thing one must do is fix the bus. If this isn’t what you had in mind for following generations to remember you by then you might be a candidate for the drug induced five-to-seven year vacation. Many of the greats prefer LSD. This should allow you to fix the bus without ever worrying that you may be wasting precious time. Of course, drugs may hinder your ability to fix the bus. In some drug related cases the bus never gets fixed. The next step, once the bus is in working condition, is to load it with children. The minimum number seems to be 100. How you go about luring these youngsters on the bus is up to you. Candy doesn’t seem to work as well as it used to. Some have found promising results by offering scratch tickets or offensive t-shirts, but it all depends on the demographic you’re working in. Once the bus is filled you’re ready to drive around the country producing beautiful music. This music is what you’ll be remembered for in history. This music is your legacy. Winners are decided based on a complex point scale. Usually, participants who spend the most time driving the bus the wrong way down one-way streets are the ones who end up as champions of the game. game created by Mark Baumer

The other day my friend John and I went to the forest and we said, “Hello you damn trees.” The trunks didn’t respond so we started to kick them and still nothing happened and we were like, “This isn’t very much different from the time we went to the liquor store and we saw that bum passed out on the sidewalk. Anyway, my foot got tired of kicking pretty quickly. I think John’s foot got tired too. We stopped kicking about the same time. John looked at his watch. I didn’t have a watch so I pretended to watch some birds migrate or maybe they were just molting. I did pick up one of the stray feathers, but I did not sing “Yankee Doodle” when I stuck it in my hat. John had finished looking at his watch at this point. “I think my watch is broken,” he said. “Damn it John,” I said, “I’m not a watch doctor.” I then grabbed the watch off his wrist and threw it in the river. A few seagulls who I had seen earlier dove after the broken watch, but they didn’t get it before it fell in the water and sunk. “That was my watch,” said John. “No shit,” I said. “I’m a little upset.” “You’ll get over it.” “I don’t know. I really liked that watch.” “I’m bored John. Let’s play a game.” “Is this game going to help me get my watch back?” “No.” “Oh.” “Do you still have those Jolly Ranchers?” “Yeah, why?” “Let’s just climb this tree.” We climbed the tree. “Now what?” asked John. “Okay, the rules of the game are that we suck on these Jolly Ranchers and then when someone walks underneath us we drop the candy on their head. “I miss my watch,” said John. game created by Mark Baumer

A common trend in America is the self checkout lines at the supermarket. Though it will eventually mean the demise of half-hearted cashier greetings and browsing tabloid headlines, the self checkout is a great way to save a few pennies in your grocery bill. Now I understand many may frown upon the practice of ringing up avocados as bananas or buying a bag of Danishes and ringing it up as a single donut. You’re allowed your opinion, but I believe it’s the customer’s right to make a few bucks whenever possible. You see, the supermarket cut out the cashier, so they no longer have that added expense. Without getting all economical on you because I barely understand the stuff myself the supermarkets are saving quite a bit of money by getting you to work for them free of charge. Yes, by checking yourself out you are basically do charitable freelance cashier work. I completely understand if you don’t feel likewise. Personally, I like getting compensated for my labor. That is why I ring up watermelons as a heads of lettuce. With this in mind, the self check out turkey heist game is a competition to see how many turkeys a player can self check out under the price of a stick of gum. Players get one point for each turkey they sneak through. A year-long tally is kept and the results are tabulated for thanksgiving. The winner gets a free jar of cranberry sauce and a boatload of savings. game created by Mark Baumer

Occasionally, during flu season, your set of markers, regardless if it is a set of twelve or six, will feel sick. Instead of emitting their usual colors they end up spewing a wide variety of odd substances that one wouldn’t think possible from an ordinary marker. Before we continue let me just say that the sick ugly one-eyed magic marker game is not meant to come off as being prejudice towards one-eyed markers because let’s face it, all markers have only one eye. The adjective ugly isn’t meant to necessary mean that all one-eyed creatures are ugly either. It alludes to their acquired illness which leaves them not quite in their intended state. Sickness has different results for different markers. The red markers instead of making straight lines will only draw lines resembling Richard Nixon’s eyebrows. The blue markers don’t change much in appearance, but will not shut up. When not screaming deliriously they make congested meowing sounds. The green markers can’t help but vomit up anything they eat except seafood which isn’t much better because seafood gives them diarrhea. The orange markers just dry up and won’t write anything. They won’t talk either. The purple markers usually just have the sniffles. The yellow markers are stuck indefinitely in a single sneeze. Once illness hits them they sneeze only once, but that one sneeze often extends for a series of days. The pink marker thinks its gum and tries to chew itself. The brown marker turns pink and tries to chew itself too. The black marker turns white, time travels back to 1960 and sits at the front of the bus. Anyway, it’s obvious these markers are defective at this point and unusable. The problem is most supply stores will not accept returns of sick or ill magic markers. There are usually signs stating this fact at the customer service desks of the major office product stores. The object of the sick ugly one-eyed magic marker game is to either get the store to allow you to exchange your set of markers or give you cash back. If you get cash back you get two points. A simple exchange only rewards you with one point. The missing black marker makes it especially tough considering that if you try and explain how it disappeared into thin air then the store will know you have a set of sick magic markers. Common strategies include: Setting off a fire alarm in the middle of the transaction. Faking a heart attack in the middle of the transaction. Going to the register of the bored, indifferent, high school aged teenager, who is texting on his cell phone in the middle of the transaction. game created by Mark Baumer

This game is a little different than your standard fishing game because you can’t really use worms or flies as bait and expect to catch many quarters. Also, it is next to impossible to catch quarters by fishing in water. Sure, there are fountains and wishing wells full of quarters, but these prove to be tricky to fish out using a pole. The two environments I’ve found that are suitable for quarter fishing are the bank and the McDonalds drive-thru. In the case of fishing at the bank I prefer to use fairly simple bait. A brief note explaining your intention to slay everyone in the place if you’re not reeling in a bag of quarters in the next two minutes always seems to work*. Occasionally, bank employees might think you are joking. They may even laugh. It is moments such as these that I like to carry a second fishing pole to either cast in a second note that reads, “This is no laughing matter,” or cast in something that proves I mean business. Such objects include a squirrel’s head or a human finger. Human fingers are sometimes difficult to procure and often times I am too squeamish to extract the cranium of a squirrel which leaves me with the second note strategy. I’ve also found that it doesn’t hurt to accompany the second note with a slicing-the-throat gesture with my finger. One important tip is to begin running as soon as you know the quarters have been hooked. Worry about reeling in the catch as you make your getaway. The McDonalds drive-thru works much the same way a bank works. Points work on how many gumballs you buy with the quarters. If you get 200 gumballs from the quarters you get 200 points. It is suggested that children under eight not play this game. Children under fourteen are required to have some sort of parental supervision. *Actually, this would never work. This game is based on stupidity and would probably result in jail time for anyone who attempted to play. game created by Mark Baumer

A brief history. Snowballs and microwaves have never been friends. They never will be. It’s never been personal; it’s more of a conflict in genetics. “I like it hot,” says the Sharp R-305KS 1-Cubic-Foot 1100-Watt. “Ice cream and me are lovers,” says the snowman’s cousin. Regardless of whether genetics mean to or not, the snowball has endured thousands of cruel deaths at the hands of the microwave. Hundreds of treaties and truces have been signed, but the microwave can’t control itself. The peaceful times never last. It never fails. Eventually the microwave will invite the snowball over and then the bloodbaths continue. The movement Snowballs to the Promise Land (STPL, pronounced “stopal”) is an organization set up to assure that snowballs can live and die in peace, that they will no longer have to worry about the terror mongers controlling their lives. They have also worked extensively with the government to get the death penalty implemented nationwide for any device that willingly causes the demise of a snowball or similar iced being. They have also been working on an underground movement to dispose of many of these sick machines. The game These underground movements consist of the people taking the matter into their own hands. There have been enough deaths and the general public isn’t going to stand for it anymore. STPL members have devised a system that allows a quick disposal of these evil mini nuke machines. Basically, microwaves aren’t the brightest form of technology and can easily be tricked with the most basic of costumes. By dressing up as a snowball (even wearing a white shirt is suffice) you can get a microwave’s attention. Once you get the microwave’s attention then you just lead it up on the roof and throw it off. Players get one point for a successful mission. The person with the most points at the end of the year gets a certificate of achievement. game created by Mark Baumer

Players must dress as an endangered bird that is not the national bird or symbol of the United States. Costumes can be as elaborate as using the real feathers plucked from these rare birds or as simple as wearing a t-shirt that says, “I am a(n) (fill in name of endangered bird*). Players must also keep their mouths filled with the spit and wash waste from brushing their teeth. Before competition starts each person is given a capsule of toothpaste which they will use to brush their teeth. Immediate forfeit results if the act of spitting is witnessed. There is a loophole though which saves players from the possibility of accidentally swallowing the dental waste. Nowhere in the rulebook does it prohibit drooling. Players are allowed to let the excess toothpaste wash run out of their mouths. Though players aren’t prohibited from wiping away the drool few do. They feel it is a form of intimidation. The last wardrobe requirement is that players must wear their right shoe on their left foot. Players are not required to wear their left shoe on their right foot, but many do rather than buying two pairs of the same shoe. As for the game, it is very simple. The competition is an endurance test of who can stand blindfolded on the seat of a motorcycle the longest while it travels at the speed of sixty mph. *I would have to say my favorite bird is the Ivory-billed Woodpecker. Some would argue that the bird is not endangered but extinct. I point to reports that one male pecker was seen in Arkansas in 2004 and that alone is enough to give me hope. game created by Mark Baumer

I want to warn you that the following rules are very painful to read and I’d like to apologize for that on behalf of myself. I believe this game is perfect for those self-centered individuals who enjoy only talking about themselves which some have claimed is a fault of mine. I will now tell you the rules because that is what you expect of me. I will begin now, the rules are as follows, if you will continue to follow me. I like the first rule which is that players, on specified competition days, must begin every sentence they speak or write with the first person singular subjective pronoun, or I. I am now going to tell you the consequences of not following this rule, but I will only do it after this camel stops looking at me. I have lied; there is no camel looking at me. I have a brain and that brain tells me that you lose the game if you do not follow the first rule; of course, this isn’t the only thing my brain tells me. I understand that basic intuitive skills will inform you that the winner is the person who can go a whole competition day by following the first rule and you would be right, but there are a few problems apparent to me. I see that it could be a problem if all participating players followed the first rule and no one lost because then everyone would be winners and that doesn’t sit well with me. I am now going to tell you the second rule so don’t run away from me. I open my mouth and words come out and I point at them and ask if they are mine. I am usually happy when this happens to me. I have gotten off track; don’t be mad at me. I will now continue with the second rule which is a player can gain extra points by ending his sentences, both written or spoken, with any first person singular pronoun which you will now be listed here by me. I, me, myself, mine, and my. I like to brag because I am so great in that mind of mine. I will now brag that I have ended each sentence in this paragraph with a first-person singular pronoun such as me, I, and mine, but I have yet to try my. I have told you the second rule, but I have not told you what the rewards are for using words like me and mine. I think it is fair that each sentence that follows the second rule be awarded one bonus point though things may be different if it were up to me. I would change a few things if it were up to me. I would first make myself the reigning king of all games and the best anyone could do is finish second behind me. I would also give ice cream sandwiches to myself. I believe there may be some people worried that the second rule doesn’t eliminate the possibility of having more than one winner; in fact, those people I speak of have to include me. I tell the third rule then which is on the egg pan in front of me. I stop; listen to me. I tell of other things before the third rule comes out of that mouth of mine. I tell you that proper and grammatically correct sentences are not needed to be victorious in the opinion of me. I laugh poop in the textbook with eleven birds on the myself. I bet you never thought that last sentence would count, but it counts, believe me. I finally will tell you the third rule which I saved for last because it is a favorite of mine. I understand the third rule to be the tiebreaker to decided the ultimate champion which is completely fine with me. I tell you the third rule when it comes from that mouth of mine. I tell you that the third rule is between the two competitors who are tied and these players don’t always have to be me. I hope that I always win; it is a goal of mine. I sometimes like to do the third rule when no one is looking or listening to me. I believe the third rule is a competition of who can say “I” the longest using only one breath, so it kind of stretches out like this, “Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…” I have no more to say from that mouth of mine. I lied to everyone listening to me. I am the best; look at me. game created by Mark Baumer

game created by Mark Baumer

Before I describe this game I would like to share a little history about the Circus Peanut. It is unclear who invented the Circus Peanut. It’s one of those things like the South Beach diet and the radionuclide that leaves the common man dumbfounded regarding its creation. The Circus Peanut though is one of the few objects on this planet, aside from the moon rock, that people overwhelmingly consider extraterrestrial. A little known fact about the Circus Peanut: At the 1927 premiere of the first talking movie, “The Jazz Singer,” Circus Peanuts were the third best selling candy not made out of chocolate. The Circus Peanut Fishing Game can be played with as few as two players. There is no limit to the number of players that can be involved. The only requirement is to have a fishing pole and a circus peanut on the end of the line. The goal of the game is to catch the best animal. Fish do count, but prove to be tricky. Usually a time is allotted for the capture to take place and then the players get together to show off their catches to a panel of judges. Usually the judges’ panel is made up from moms in the neighborhood. Though they are not required to follow it, these mothers are encouraged to at least allow the spectrum of trappings table to be a guide. According to the guide: Bird is better than insect. Cat is better than bird. Mouse is tied with rooster. Tiger is better than llama. An elephant results in immediate victory. game created by Mark Baumer

The other day I was walking down the street when I came across two young boys arguing over the last piece of pizza. “I deserve this piece of pizza,” said one of them. “No, you don’t,” said the other. “Yes, I do.” The arguing was very intense and carried on like this for at least ten minutes. Finally, one of them found a solution. “There is only one way to settle this,” said one of them. “Yeah?” asked the other. “We’ll have a shooting game.” “What’s that?” “The first person to shoot the other person gets the pizza,” said the taller of the two boys. He then pulled out a musket and shot the other in the head. Two days later the inflicted boy died. The one who shot him had already eaten the slice of pizza. Now, I’m not saying there isn’t ever a time and a place for street violence, but I believe that not every confrontation must end in such bloodshed. Though I commend the one boy for owning a musket in this day and age, I do believe he could have chosen a different way to handle the situation or at least shot the other boy in the leg. Since the clean teeth amendment of the 1942 the toothbrush has been one of this country’s most valuable tools, but I am not about to say that improvements still can’t be made to advance it. Namely, I believe the other end of the toothbrush, the end without the bristles, could use some modification or could at least be put to use and I doubt there is a better activity than sword fighting. I believe sword fighting, if correctly adapted to the streets, could have positive effects leaps and bounds beyond what the war of drugs accomplished. First of all, there would hopefully be less death. And second, with more people carrying their toothbrush, general hygiene would undoubtedly improve. For those who don’t want to give up the senseless violence of the street, proper etiquette of toothbrush dueling does allow the addition of a one inch blade to the end of the toothbrush. Also, it’s important to note that baseball bats are not allowed in duels even if the person claims to use the bat as their toothbrush and can even show the bristles on the bat handle to prove it. game created by Mark Baumer

It isn’t clear whether this is a festive game or a special food dish for the holidays, but I figured even if it is only a dish on the table during the big Hanukah meal it’s still worth reading about. The version of the game I witnessed at a holiday menorah lighting ceremony seemed to allow an unlimited number of players to play as long as they had a bowl or plate of salad. It isn’t exactly obvious either if the person who finds the dreidel in their salad is a winner or a loser. In many ways it is up to the person themselves to determine whether their chosen salad plate leads to enjoyment or embarrassment. Often, the person who finds the dreidel challenges the rest of the party to find them a piece of lettuce suitable to spin the little top upon. Cocky winners of the dreidel search might even claim there isn’t a single piece of lettuce that they can’t spin on. After spinning the dreidel the winner/loser must then do a little dance on the dinner table, being careful not to disturb any of the dinnerware, while singing a Hebrew song translated into Pig Latin. Well, I actually made up the last part about the Pig Latin, but feel free to try. Also, the nature of the dance depends on which symbol the dreidel lands on. When everyone yelled, “Nun,” it meant the player did the dance with no changes to their holiday garb. When everyone yelled, “Hey,” the player took off their shirt and danced bare-chested on the table. When everyone yelled, “Gimel” the player took off both their shirt and pants and danced on the table. When everyone yelled, “Shin,” it meant everyone else had to take off their clothes while the player danced on the table. It seemed this was turn was the most festive of all the dreidel options as all the naked guests began jumping up and down and turning in circles as they sung, “Dreidel, spin, spin, spin…Dreidel, spin, spin, spin…” It is unclear how the dreidel ends up in the salad. game created by Mark Baumer

The Hypothetical Heidi Klum Marriage We live in an unfortunate world. For example, Heidi Klum is a beautiful woman. Everyone knows this. I know this very well. In fact, one day I will marry her. The unfortunate part is that it probably won’t be until we are both in our seventies. I am curious by nature though and I can’t help that my mind wanders. What would happen if I somehow came across her husband in a fish tank and he really was a seal? I can kind of guess what might happen if I came across that same situation and I was carrying a club. Regardless, there are thousands of theoretical questions involving Heidi Klum that I would like answered. 1. How many burritos would I have to eat before Heidi Klum invites me to her child’s birthday? 2. At what time would I have to take a bath if I wanted to guarantee that Heidi Klum will coincidentally sit in the same row as me at the movies? 3. How many pencils do I have to sharpen before Heidi Klum’s dry cleaning is confused with mine? 4. What’s the minimum number of mail order penguins I’d have to purchase with my parent’s credit card before Heidi Klum’s maid confides in me all of Heidi’s domestic secrets in a language other than English and Spanish. 5. How drunk would a person have to get before they thought I was Heidi Klum? 6. How many days would I have to refrain from using the bathroom before Heidi Klum was found blindfolded wearing my high school prom tuxedo in the trunk of my car? Basically, the questions are endless and the possibilities limitless. I hope that now one can truly understand what a great game The Hypothetical Heidi Klum Marriage can be in a group setting or even alone in one’s room. By the way, the answer to the above questions are all three thousand except for question two which is noon.

This game is a more specialized form of World Knowledge Quest. The premise is to convince as many people as possible that you are the illegitimate son of Wayne Newton. A point is awarded anytime a person is convinced. Points are lost if you are caught in your lie either by Wayne Newton himself or by some sort of DNA testing. Victory is not attained unless Wayne Newton recognizes you as one of his illegitimate sons. Victory is also awarded to a player if they reach a million points at which time Mr. Newton himself will have no choice but to recognize the player as one of his own. Players have been known to change hair color, take singing lessons, and get plastic surgery in an effort to achieve victory. In the case of two players meeting no points are lost, but there is a chance to gain five points if one of the two players can convince the other player that they are the illegitimate son of Mr. Newton. Often, these meetings lead to scuffles which possibly could lead to death. In the advent of a death to one to one of the two players, the player who survives is awarded the five points as long as they agree to pay for the fallen participant’s funeral. To satisfy the threats of a variety of feminist coalitions, females are allowed to play the game as well, but are only credited when they convince a person that they are the son of Wayne Newton. No points will be awarded if a female convinces someone that they are the daughter of Wayne Newton.

This game may be a one-time deal. It is a rendition on the stealing-your-coworker’s-lunch-from-the-refrigerator game. Basically, one of my co-workers brought a mid-morning snack of an apple, banana, and granola. These treats are sitting on the desk next to me. My coworker is off doing his morning chores and won’t return for another twenty minutes. The rules of the game are simple: how much of my coworker’s snack can I eat without them noticing anything amiss. Scoring is based on a series of equations that have to do with the amount eaten in relation to the product’s degree of difficulty (i.e. I score more points for eating the banana than the granola; the banana is also worth slightly more than the apple). The final score will either be one or a fraction of one. One is a perfect score and is attainable if all the food is eaten and the coworker is naïve to my involvement in food’s disappearance. Games usually begin with a few pinches of granola lifted from the coworker’s stash. It should also be noted that it is acceptable to replace the eaten foods with a false substance. Thus, it may be a wise move to replace the eaten granola with pencil shavings or an eaten apple with a piece of wax fruit. Substituting my own fruit for one of the coworker’s fruit is illegal though and automatically results in a score of zero. A risky, but usually victorious move that results in a perfect score is to eat the banana, apple, and granola all at once and then set fire to the spot where the food was. It should also be mentioned that there is a loophole I can take that results in an automatic perfect score. If the consumption of the coworker’s food leads to dismissal of my duties in the company then a score of one is automatically awarded to me. Also, eating all the food and then resigning or quitting the job will lead to a perfect score. Also, I do not have to eat the whole banana, peel included, to get a perfect score. As long as all edible parts of the fruit is eaten, within reason, then a perfect score is awarded. game created by Mark Baumer

Not a single American game carries quite the same sense of anticipation and terror as Monkeyball. There have been a few Russian games played amongst the country’s intelligentsia that inspire similar feelings, but these games involve a series of rules and strategies that can’t be described in a single setting. Instead, these Russian sports must be learned and developed over a lifetime. Monkeyball is a simple game. The odd thing though, is that it doesn’t necessarily need monkeys or balls to be successful. Many people have confused it with a game that goes by another name that can be best described as kickball using a monkey instead of a rubber sphere. The most important aspect is the setting of the game. All lights must be turned off. This mostly prohibits the game from being played outdoors in the daylight or even in a room with windows during daylight hours unless of course you tape up the windows to obstruct light from getting in. The best scenario for a day game is for the playing field to be in a windowless room. Most contests of Monkeyball take place at night. With the lights off, it makes for a very favorable setting, conducive for the highest level of play. This game should not be played with young children who already show signs of being afraid of the dark. In 1983, the first game of Monkeyball was played. Many historians claim this initial contest took place in a dark theatre, but there has been a recent movement amongst historians whose new findings seem to prove the first game was played in a dark maternity ward of the hospital when one of the newborns began chanting monkey noises for no reason. One of the most enjoyable parts of Monkeyball can be the act of turning out the lights if one person in the room doesn’t want to play the game. Unlike most sports, Monkeyball is not an audience friendly contest. In fact, audiences are prohibited from watching, mostly because it is impossible to watch this game. Also, anyone in or on the playing field during Monkeyball automatically becomes a part of the game. In a particular violent contest that took place last April in a room full of men ranging from high school teenagers to middle aged thirty-somethings three fingers were broken, six stitches were needed, and two lamps were unsalvageable. One of the younger players turned the lights out which resulted in the first light being knocked off the lamp stand. Two of the fingers were broken as men tried to flee the room and lock themselves in the closet. The stitches and the other broken lamp were the result of someone answering the pleas of another player who was repeatedly yelling, “Someone shut me up. Someone shut me up. Someone shut me up…” game created by Mark Baumer

Egg Hour is a five event game mostly used to break ties in Iron Man competitions. Most Iron Man competitions involve some combination of running, biking, and swimming. Creative minds don’t always want to be limited to such restrictions and an Iron Man competition can many times consist of a variety of different grueling activities besides biking, running, and swimming. Event one: Raw egg drinking contest (limit five eggs) one point for each egg swallowed. Vomiting is allowed only after egg hour is over. Participants lose all points for vomiting during egg hour. Event two: An egg tapping (double elimination) tournament. This has long been the official sport of Easter. For those families who are numb to such tradition, egg tapping involves colored hardboiled eggs. Each contestant chooses one of these colorful eggs and matches up against the chosen eggs of the other contestants. One person taps the other. The egg that loses, and is cracked, goes to the loser’s bracket and uses the one remaining un-cracked end of their egg against other once broken eggs. The winners move on and match up against each other. Tapping continues until all but one egg has been cracked twice. This none or once cracked champion egg is crowned and its owner is awarded one point. Event three: Egg toss with partner, use fresh egg. Teams are out when egg is broken. Teammates are chosen randomly out of the crowd. After every successful throw and catch each team member takes a step back. Points awarded on basic winner scale (Winner gets a point. Loser gets no points) Event four: You have a choice to either compete in egg roll, egg race, or egg tackle. Egg roll is where you have a fresh egg on the ground and have to roll it from one location to another location without breaking it. If the egg is broken then you are disqualified. If all contestants eggs are broken then the winner is the person whose egg broke first. This makes the game much more strategic. There have been some matches where witty contestants break their egg at the sound of the opening gun because they know the terrain will result in broken eggs for all contestants. Egg race is the game where a fresh egg is placed on a spoon which is held with the mouth. All participants start at same place and race to agreed location. First to finish wins or if all persons drop their eggs and they break. The winner is the person who first dropped their egg. Egg tackle is basically egg race, but contestants are encouraged to try and knock each other’s eggs on the ground. All participants start in any place within agreed upon area. A whistle is blown. Winner is last person to drop egg. Tackle is not restricted in any of the games listed under event four. Points awarded on basic winner scale (Winner gets a point. The loser doesn’t). Event five: The blind folded egg toss. Contestants stand in agreed upon area with blindfolds on. They each toss egg in air one at a time. If egg hits a person one point is awarded to tosser. Direct hits on the head equals a total of three points for the tosser. If you hit yourself then you lose points. Each contestant throws ten eggs. If more than two people are competing then the person who is hit the most with egg tosses gets two points added to their event five total. The winner of egg hour will be the person who has accumulated the most points. If events are not finished by the end of one hour the winner is the person who has most points at the time the egg hour ends. In case of a tie with more than one person accumulating the most points there will be a sudden-death overtime. Sudden death is a egg hunt. All eggs brought to the egg hour intended for use in the egg hour are off limit in the egg hunt. Egg hunt sudden death requires the persons involved in a tie finding any egg not involved in egg hour and bringing it back to the egg hour location. No area, or type of egg, is off limits. They can be from people's houses, restaurants, a bird's nest, a child's Easter basket, a convenience store, etc... The winner of the egg hour is awarded one point towards their tally in the quest to become ironman champion. The losers are awarded nothing. game created Mark Baumer

This game, if played correctly, will yield players a vast reserve of overly-formatted but textually-unified notes on the goings-on of their daily lives. The point of Inauthentic Scholasticism is to transform all casual writing, be it notes to roommates or e-mails to customer support professionals into the format of a scholarly paper. Any format can be used, though games should be standardized within a group of players. MLA and APA are just two examples. Consistency of style is more important than the merits of one format over another. An example (in APA style):